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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not know how to explain dds 3 grandads?

38 replies

muddyprints · 13/05/2013 14:24

dd1 is 5, intelligent, overthinks things and is a real worrier giving herself nightmares over things all the time.
the dds have 2 nans and 3 granddads, dps dad, my dad and my stepdad, they see them all weekly and call them granddad surname.
dd1 has presumed (and I have let her) that my mom and stepdad are my parents, she also knows my dad is my dad and has the same surname as me.
she sometimes asks me about when I was little in stepdads house and I have distracted her.
im scared to tell her that my mom and dad divorced and mom remarried as I know she will then question why and then worry that me and her dad will split up and it will be a million questions.

OP posts:

Original poster

muddyprints · 16/05/2013 14:37

you are all right and I have started the process slowly, my dad visited and I commented that my dad was here and we would have to go to his house soon and see my old house where I grew up, dd1 had presumed I grew up at stepdads. not going to avoid this anymore as it is normal.

OP posts:

FullOfChoc · 16/05/2013 14:44

I think you are overthinking this. Just tell her calmly without any fuss. She will have friends who's parents will split up and this is just a normal part of life.

My children have 2 nans and 2 grandads on my side and they have always understood that my mum and dad are married to other people. Happily it's just extra people to love them. My step father was crap when I was growing up but amazingly he's a really good grandad - who would have known?

Did you have a tricky childhood? Do you think this is affecting how you feel about this situation?

Flowe · 16/05/2013 14:47

OP remember also that children of that age often refer to all male adults as a "Dad" regardless of whether they have kids/are related etc.

I've recently had to explain to my 5 yr old why his older brother has a different surname. I just told him in a straight forward manner how I used to be married to X (who he knows as his brother regularly stays with them)and his surname is X, hence his brother's name is X. His response..."so he has 2 Dads?"...my answer yes!

Whole conversation done in a matter of 10 mins and everyone happy and calm.

zlist · 16/05/2013 14:47

I agree - just tell her the truth (maybe with the aid of a simple family tree).
My family is quite complex (my dad has been married 4 times and widowed 3 times amongst other things). DH's family are very traditional (all had two children in most recent generations and no divorces or early deaths). DS accepted them both equally and didn't start worrying that I would die young either (my mum died age 41 and I am now 40).
DS always called my step mother his nanny but has always know that she is not my biological mother or his biological grandmother.

TheFallenNinja · 16/05/2013 15:15

Just tell her the truth. Nothing to be gained by hiding stuff

GlassofRose · 16/05/2013 15:21

Tell her the truth.
I was a child with "three granddads" and one of those granddads was married three times and was still in touch with his second wife. So I was in a funny old family where my mum had 1 brother, 2 half brothers and 5 step brothers. We sound like something off a daytime chat show but I'm pretty sure It didn't harm a inquisitive me to know the truth. When I asked why they married so often she said "our family like wedding cake".

ratspeaker · 16/05/2013 16:23

My DCs grew up with 3 grannys and 3 grandads. never bothered them in the slightest,they just accepted that was the way it was.
They also accepted one lot of grandparents lived together, others lived alone and others were in a relationship but didn't live together all the time, only sometimes.

CloudsAndTrees · 16/05/2013 16:29

Just tell her the truth and be honest when she asks questions. If you are matter of fact about it, it will be a non issue to her. If she sees you are stressed about talking to her about the details or if she feels you are hiding something, then she is much more likely to worry.

IneedAyoniNickname · 16/05/2013 17:03

My dc have
Grandma and Grandpa (my Mum and step dad)
Nana and Grandad (my dad and step mum)
Great Grandad (my Grandad, they had Great Grandma up until 09 and still talk about her)
Great Nannie and Den (my Nannie and her OH)
Grandad (their Dad's dad)
Gran and Harry (their Dads mum and her husband)

They know which of them are whose parents, and also where my siblings and step siblings fit in. Eg that Auntie C is Grandpa's daughter and she lives with her own mum when she's not at uni.

They've always taken it in their stride, which I think has helped them understand their newly blended family with their dad.

Prior to our split, they never worried that me and their dad would split because our parents had, and ds1 is a massive worrier normally.

NotTreadingGrapes · 16/05/2013 17:05

I've got step-parents and sisters, and half nieces and feck knows what all over the shop.

It never crossed my mind to think about it at all!

ephemeralfairy · 16/05/2013 17:10

I only had one grandad.....

KitCat26 · 16/05/2013 17:27

Well done op. So long as you explain it as fact and without drama your DD will be fine.

I had a complicated set of grandparents on one side. Grandma, Granddad and great grandma who was grandma's step mother and Granddad's aunty!

marcopront · 16/05/2013 18:27

My DD has three grandmas, two of whom are dead. My DD is named after my Mum and my Step Mum coincidentally had the same name as me. So she has Grandma her name and Grandma my name, she does get confused.

Her Dad's Mum is known by a completely different name but she rarely sees her.

To confuse matters more she sees a lot of my sister's parents in law and they are another set of grandparents.

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