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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DH has given up on our marriage?

14 replies

somanymiles · 13/05/2013 05:13

Nothing for Mother's Day (we are in Canada so it was for today), not even a card. When I asked him why he said that I was not his mother. However our DS is 2 years old and I don't think he can manage to make a card himself. I always get him something for Father's Day, even before he had a son my other children made him a Happy Step Dad card and got him a gift. Thursday was our fifth wedding anniversary - no card, no gift. I got him some (expensive!) cheese knives and cheese (because he loves it) and a card. At 4 pm he said "I meant to get you something and I forgot" and we went together to the local shop where I picked out some earrings and paid for them myself. He said he was thinking about splitting up with me 5 days before Christmas but it all blew over. I am left thinking he is only staying for DS's sake. But frankly he could make a bit of an effort regardless. I am really fed up. Is it not that big a deal? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I being high maintenance? AIBU?

OP posts:

KingRollo · 13/05/2013 05:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

somanymiles · 13/05/2013 05:24

He finds it really hard being a StepDad, despite my kids being really great. I think that's why he wanted to split up. TBH I think he has some kind of personality disorder - can't cope with stress at all. Yes, it was a horrible Christmas, but we made up, I thought... but now this? That's what I don't get.

OP posts:

Numberlock · 13/05/2013 05:26

Is he having an affair?

Thumbwitch · 13/05/2013 05:27

I don't think you really "made up" - I think he just decided it was too much hassle to actually leave you at that time. His continuing lack of care for you shows that.

So yes - I would agree that there is a reasonable chance he's not as invested in your marriage as you would like him to be, or as you deserve he should be.

Have a word and find out if he's still "thinking of splitting up" with you. At least find out where you stand and then you can start making decisions/plans from there.

Toadinthehole · 13/05/2013 05:28

Not buying a gift for Mothers' Day isn't a big deal IMHO. I think it's all a commercial invention anyway.

Not getting anything for the anniversary is worse, but even so..

But saying he was thinking of splitting up????

Were you having a raging row at the time?

Original poster

somanymiles · 13/05/2013 05:36

He is not having an affair. LOL! Barely leaves the house.

Toad so maybe I am over-reacting to the no pressies thing?

Christmas row is water under the bridge, but of course I am still smarting from it. (Yes, we did have a raging row.)

Thumb he is staying, not splitting up, but yes, I don;t think he is invested in our marriage, more that he doesn't want to leave his DS. Perhaps I need to lower my expectations a bit given that.

OP posts:

Kiwiinkits · 13/05/2013 05:45

Don't think lack of a mother's day gift is a biggy, tbh. I know for a fact that my DH loves me and would die in a ditch for his family, but does he buy me a gift or flowers, despite the lack of some very strong hints from me? No way, he just doesn't work like that. A bit high maintenance, I think.
If you really want to know if he's invested in your marriage, tell him that you love him and you want to go out for dinner next week sometime to talk about your marriage and your plans for the future. His response to that should tell you all you need to know.

Numberlock · 13/05/2013 06:34

What reason was given for wanting to split up?

scaevola · 13/05/2013 06:37

If you are still smarting from it, it's not "water under the bridge".

Jinty64 · 13/05/2013 06:39

My dh would not get me anything for Mother's Day and we don't do anniversaries. He doesn't normally put much effort into birthdays either so I don't think that's a big deal.

The other bit is. I would show him the door and ask him to shut it behind him on his way out.

Inertia · 13/05/2013 06:49

I think the fact that he told you he wanted to split up is the biggest clue that he is not invested in the marriage. The failure to bother with Mothers' Day / anniversary are added evidence that he doesn't care .

I would start contingency planning if I were you - sorry, it really doesn't sound good.

MammaTJ · 13/05/2013 06:55

Perhaps I need to lower my expectations a bit given that

That is one of the most heart wrenching sentences I have read on here.

Do not lower your expectations. You deserve better that staying together for you child. You all do. You, your DH and your children.

Ask him what he is planning. If it is staying together for your DS, then that is not good enough. Make plans yourself.

Thumbwitch · 13/05/2013 07:02

My DH is a bit shit with present giving. But even he managed to produce a card from my 2 boys, plus a box of chocolate, plus cooking dinner. It's taken a few years to get him to understand that it matters to me, as his own mother never received anything much (her DH "didn't do" presents etc. either, so neither of her sons bother their arses much) but as he DOES now understand that it matters to me, he puts some effort in.

If you think that you need to lower your expectations, then your marriage is doomed from both sides, I think. You are doomed to be eternally disappointed because the more you lower your expectations, the more he is likely to undercut even those, IMO.

Do consider your options, for your own sake.

marriedinwhiteagain · 13/05/2013 07:17

Actually and a bit different from everyone else he must hAve thought a lot of you to have takenn on you and your older children. It sounds as though things for some reasonn have been very hard for him and may be it wasn't you he wanted to split from but the pressure of the circumstances. Can you get some help or relationship counselling?

The prenent stuff can be hurtful. My DH never saw his father give a gift or a tokn and this is something he has had to learn over the years and was something I had to deal with, learn to forgive and get him to put it right so his own children learnt to do things the more "normal" way.

Good luck and sorry you are hurting

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