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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder wtf I would do if he is serious?

17 replies

CocacolaMum · 11/05/2013 18:05

Before I start - my periods are all over the place at the moment so I am possibly being a hormonal wreck..

with that in mind.

My OH and I have been together for 12 years. We got hitched last summer.
Our relationship has always been a little erm tempestuous. We are both moody gits but he takes anti-social to a whole new level but he is

We have been ok of late (bedroom issues which are my fault - to put it bluntly I had a miscarriage 18mnths ago which went badly, I haemorreghed (sp!?) and landed up in hospital and now I am petrified of getting pg again so do not want sex) and have a family holiday/honeymoon planned for July to celebrate our anniversary, he has a great job so moneys not an issue, kids are in the schools I wanted them to go to etc.. so, aside from me possibly needing to speak to someone about my fear of pregnancy..all good.

We were at the garden centre this morning and he made a remark as follows "only a few months until august, can get a divorce then since we have been married a year.." erm, what? Why would you say something like that - even if you do have the social skills of Sheldon cooper and I am not exaggerating when I say that's what he is like. I know we really aren't a lovey dovey sort of a couple but still, I found it a bit cutting that the thought would even enter into his head!! AND that he wouldn't notice how upset I was.

Anyway. I have been a moody arsehole ever since and busying myself around the house so we haven't spoken about because tbh I really don't think he meant it... but what if he did? I have no job, we have a joint mortgage which I could never afford to pay since he brings in the £££ and 2 children who would obviously need to be provided for.. So. Just for "fun";

AIBU to be in a marriage I would hope would last forever but now be panicking that I am a liiittle bit too dependent on this happening??

OP posts:

b4bunnies · 11/05/2013 18:07

oh dear. i would imagine it was just a silly remark, but check with him later, just in case.

ArtemisatBrauron · 11/05/2013 18:07

YANBU - if my husband said that to me I would be very upset! You need to try to get him to open up about what he said and talk about it.

Also, as far as I know you can get a divorce any time after marrying, there's no time limit! I think you may have to be separated for a certain time before the divorce comes through though.

wonderingsoul · 11/05/2013 18:19

you have to wait a year if youv been married for less then a year, other wise its called an allmoment (SP)

my money is on he knew that little fact, and was trying to make a poor taste joke, an ill thought out one though.

i would have words with him tonight, you need to tell him that it upset you. itd upset me to, joke or no joke.

HollyBerryBush · 11/05/2013 18:21

Annulment. And you cant just apply for one, you have to prove the marriage was invalid.

Do you think it was a throwaway comment OP? I frequently tell DH I could have committed three murders and be out on bail for the length of time I've been married to him

thebody · 11/05/2013 18:23

What led up to this remark? Surely it was a joke?

Original poster

CocacolaMum · 11/05/2013 18:23

I think it probably was - I have been a bit of a shit wife of late with one thing or another but am pretty sure neither of us would let the other off so easily as to get a divorce

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 11/05/2013 18:25

Is he thinking along the lines of annulment vs divorce, and the time issues involved? If he's as Sheldon-esque as you say that minutiae of detail may be interesting to him while not realising its impact on someone else.

That said I would never make myself wholly dependent on another person, could you look into getting a job or something so you're not financially dependent on him?

Original poster

CocacolaMum · 11/05/2013 18:25

I dunno why he said it - I cannot even remember what we were talking about beforehand.. something about when you can plant certain plants outside.. I wasn't paying attention - tbh I could happily sell off the garden to the highest bidder.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 11/05/2013 18:28

thank you holly.. annulment.
now iv seen it, i know it, my brain just went dead and no matter what i typed didnt look right,, then when i repeated it the word started sounding funny so i had no hope.

but yes, annulment is what i meant.

MammaTJ · 11/05/2013 18:28

I think you need to ask him if he meant it and tell him how upset you were. Come on, you haven't managed to be with him for this long without being able to have that kind of conversation with him, surely.

TheCrackFox · 11/05/2013 18:29

I think you need to talk to him - was it or a joke or something more serious? Either way you are clearly upset so you need to communicate with each other.

Vivacia · 11/05/2013 18:38

Why are you sulking? Why don't you just ask him why he said it?

I wonder if his careless comment has brought up some feelings you may have about being dependent upon him. What would you like to do? Have a personal savings account? Think about a study and/or work plan? Widen your social circle so you have more friends?

ControlGeek · 11/05/2013 20:04

Gawd this sounds like the conversations I have with DP (we are also a moody tempestuous pair). On our 12th anniversary DP said to me "You know, if I'd murdered you I'd be out of prison by now." I can well imagine him making the divorce comment if we were married.

Kundry · 11/05/2013 21:30

Was it said in a lighthearted way? Me and my DH are not tempestuous at all and have been married less than a year but I still tell him what I'll do when we're divorced

He smiles and ignores.

raisah · 11/05/2013 22:05

Tell him that you are grateful for the reminder and will book an apt to see a divorce solicitor in Sept.

Does he have a diagnosed social communication disorder? It might be worth pursuing that route so he gets help via CBT on how to be more self aware & how his behaviour has a negative impact on others. Otherwise, you are in for a rough ride.

LimitedEditionLady · 12/05/2013 09:33

I get told by my oh he doesnt want to be with me then in the next few hours hes changed again.if i say im unhappy about something to sort it out he turns it to that he doesnt want to be with me perhaps cos he cant be bothered to talk but it hurts and puts a lot of doubt in my mind as tbh in our relationship its him that is adored and put first and he knows that but doesnt change anything.
Why do they say stuff like that?do they mean it deep down?

SarahBumBarer · 12/05/2013 09:47

My expectation would be that it is a remark of the "married for 20 years, if I had killed her I would have been out by now" variety. Hilarious!

Questionable humour but probably not meant the way you are taking it. He clearly needs to know (be told) that you are not in the right place to take jokes like that well at the moment BUT putting a really positive spin on it you could take it as a sign that he thinks your relationship is very secure to feel able to make a joke like that.

If your marriage did end, things would change. Change is scary but it is just change. Often for the better in the end but there is no point at all killing your marriage by worrying about the worst. I really do think you should address your issues over sex/your loss (I'm so sorry) because ignoring the sex, it sounds as if it may be affecting non-sexual intimacy between you and DH.

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