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IABVU - Give me a kick up the bum!

32 replies

ellajayne · 11/05/2013 14:11

DP is off out tonight to a local pub with one of his oldest friends who's back off to barracks on Sunday. He doesn't go out often and has been extremely busy lately plus he has just found out he starts a new full time job next month that we're all over the moon about. He should celebrate and catch up with a few pints in him.

Yet I've been crying (alone, DP doesn't know) and I've got a terrible feeling about being alone with the children tonight. I have manic depression and it's typical of anxiety and depression for me but I am being ridiculous. I really don't want to tell DP as he'll worry about me and I'll ruin his night.

Kick me up the bum please. I have chocolate, telly, internet and Netflix so it's not like I'm truly alone while the kids are asleep. I should be enjoying the quiet, yes? Sad

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 11/05/2013 14:12

Sorry you're feeling so upset, OP. Are you on medication for manic depression? Does it help?


catgirl1976 · 11/05/2013 14:12

I think you maybe should tell your DP how you are feeling

Do you have a friend / sister / DM who could come over and keep you company tonight?


Iamsparklyknickers · 11/05/2013 14:15

Does having a plan help?

If you choose a series/film to watch, plan something nice to eat, choose a nice bath oil etc. then give it all time slots.

It's a little more focussed than just surveying whats available to you and means that you know what you're going to be doing throughout the night?

(YABU with not wanting him to go out - but that's not really the issue if you recognise it as part of your anxiety)


ellajayne · 11/05/2013 14:15

I'm on medication but I seem to be breaking through it. I've explained to my CPN yesterday and she's coming out first thing on Monday so I'm sure she'll review the dosage then as she's been excellent in the past with things like this.

No friends or family can come over tonight as all are too far away or working (bar staff, 24 hour shop staff etc). I'd have planned something but DP just got the call today so everyone's already busy. I do have my dog though Grin

OP posts:

MrsMangoBiscuit · 11/05/2013 14:16

Forget what you should be doing, think about what you'd like to be doing. Is there a film on that your DP wouldn't be interested in? Will you get to spread out on the sofa without him hogging half of it?

Also, will you be able to call DP and get him to come home if you need to? If not, organise someone to be on call, or invite a friend over for a movie night?

I always found that thinking about what I had to do, or should be doing made my anciety worse. Looking for the opportunity in things helped me to feel more in control and less anxious.


thebody · 11/05/2013 14:17

Don't tell tour dp if it will ruin his night as that in turn will make you feel worse.

As cargirl says, have u someone who could spend the evening with you?


thebody · 11/05/2013 14:19

In that case what sparklyknickers says sounds sensible.


ellajayne · 11/05/2013 14:21

I could definitely call him in an emergency or just to say hi. He really wouldn't mind and his friend knows me and my history so wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. I really wouldn't like to though as they don't get to see each other often and I'd hate to pull him away.

I hate being controlling but my anxiety forces me to control a lot. DP's life shouldn't be ruled by my issue as he's so accommodating day to day. He deserves to have a life separate to me and the children (that's why we're so excited about his full time out of the house job as he currently works freelance from home and we're in each other's pockets).

That's a great idea about time slots. Bath, TV, book, film etc.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 11/05/2013 14:22

You are going to be fine can get hold of him if you dont feel alright but you will be fine,its ok to be anxious but you know that theres nothing to worry about right?its only a few hours and he will be back and youll be thinking what was i worrying about at all?
If you dont want to tell him thats fine.maybe give a friend a call when hes out and have a catch up or come on here and talk to us.


Iamsparklyknickers · 11/05/2013 14:22

Ellyjane - what kind of programmes do you like? I've done some binges on whole seasons of stuff on Netflix - it's what having the tv to yourself was designed for!


ChippingInLovesSunshine · 11/05/2013 14:23

Dog - tick
Chocolate - tick
Sleeping children - tick
Films - tick


Frankly, it sounds like the perfect evening to me Grin well if you added in wine, but on meds that may not be a good idea I'm not able to eat chocolate anymore or anything else nice and I don't have a dog and I have a house guest - so I'm rather envious actually Grin

Actually - I've just had a thought, I could send her over to you and it would be win/win!!

(PS: Not making light of how you feel at all - just hoping to cheer you up a little bit! If you get lonely, most of us will be around to bore you to sleep later x).

(PPS: Don't tell DP you'll only make it worse for both of you - tell him tomorrow how you felt and how well you coped!! Much better idea x)


BigBlockSingsong · 11/05/2013 14:25

Of course YANBU, you can't help it.

do you have anyone to pop round ,keep you company?


Iamsparklyknickers · 11/05/2013 14:25

Oh and I did mean to add - I think you should tell DH, but tomorrow. It's important that he knows how you're getting on, but if it's something you feel you can handle then it's something to share with him after you've tried.

Partners have a hard time too, and it can be something fantastic to hear when a loved one has taken a step in the right direction - boosts morale a little bit that life as you both know it is still there for you.


ChippingInLovesSunshine · 11/05/2013 14:26

You sound lovely and you seem to have really good perspective on your MD (in regard to not controlling him all the time). DP sounds lovely too - focus on that and how lucky you are to have a lovely man in your life who will be home later on. Think nice thoughts x


WorraLiberty · 11/05/2013 14:28

I don't think you should tell him...not even tomorrow.

The chances are he already knows and is probably feeling a bit guilty as it is.

You've got chocolate and Mumsnet, you'll be fine Grin Thanks


ellajayne · 11/05/2013 14:47

I just lightly mentioned about tonight, touching on a 'roundabout time' he'd be home. He noticed right away and talked me down a bit reassuring me if I needed him he'd be home but making it clear that if it wasn't an emergency to text rather than phone as if he gets a phone call he's immediately worried.

I just feel very lucky to have such a supportive DP even if sometimes he is a bit of an arse Wink

The feeling is building then calming then building again. It's so strange as I really have nothing to worry about with them in a pub full of old men drinking ale and the house fully secured. I can't put my finger on what's troubling me which is the most troubling part Confused

OP posts:

thebody · 11/05/2013 14:54

Your dh sounds lovely.

You will be fine and don't forget you can mumsnet all evening as well.

Hugs xx


SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 11/05/2013 15:03

Your dh sounds fab. I completely understand where you're coming from though as I have anxiety issues and similarly sometimes panic if dh is off out for the evening. Most times I'm fine, but then others it's like a sinking feeling you just cannot shake, even though you know you're being really irrational.

I focus on telling myself over and over again how proud I will be of myself to see dh come home later that night, happy and relaxed because he's had a (rare!) fun night out with friends. I hate the times he cancels plans to stay with me because I'm not coping, so when I know one of his nights out is coming up, I constantly replay the times when he's gone out and I've been fine. It puts me in a more positive frame of mind and I find I'm more resolved to wave him off rather than cry all night!


ellajayne · 11/05/2013 16:36

Sometimes I get irrational paranoia like he'll end up seeing a woman he really fancies and if he's late he's obviously shagging her. Not out of the realm of possibility but highly unlikely since we're very happy together and are planning to marry soon. They feel like intrusive thoughts as its not something I worry about or give much thought to when I'm not anxious.

That's the way I'm thinking. I'll be so happy when he comes home slightly drunk and having had a good time with lots to catch me up on with his friends army life. He'll be less stressed tomorrow too so we can actually have a nice day as a family as sometimes it's a bit like treading on egg shells when he's very stressed and I'm paranoid leading to silly bickering about nothing.

Thanks everyone! No doubt I'll post here when anxiety kicks in tonight so you can all tell me to reread the bloody thread as everything is and will be fine Grin

OP posts:

buildingmycorestrength · 11/05/2013 17:32

Yes, was going to suggest you spend some time on MN tonight!

When I had terrible separation anxiety, I had a brill suggestion to give the person something to take with them, and get them to give me something. Bit like you might do with a toddler. Helps the not-very-rational bit of the brain calm down.

So on Monday mornings, I'd give my DH a special rock Confused before he went to work, and he'd give me one. Ridiculous but it helped.

Also, maybe don't drink on your own tonight? Never did me any good, anyway.


Hassled · 11/05/2013 17:36

Oh you definitely need to MN the night away - amazing how quickly the time goes chatting to strangers about shite :o. My DH works away during the week and when I'm having a "not another bloody evening alone on the sofa" moment then MN does really help.


MagicBaguette · 11/05/2013 17:51

Ahhh you sound like me!

It's great having a DP who is so supportive of me with manic depression/anxiety, but I feel so guilty sometimes Sad

I think it's definitely good that he's now aware of how you're feeling about tonight - the times when I've felt similar to how you do now and I've kept it from DP, things have turned out much worse as I try to hard to stay strong when inside my head is complete madness and I end up having a breakdown!

He's on your side, and understands that you want him to go and enjoy himself - I'm 100% sure he won't think you're being controlling, even if you then feel as though you can't cope! But I'm sure you will be absolutely fine.

Hope you're feeling ok for now- just keep distracting yourself! And we're all here if you want to talk Smile


ChippingInLovesSunshine · 11/05/2013 17:52

Me again :) I've been thinking about you this afternoon. I really hope your consultant can help you on Monday - feeling like this is bloody miserable - you (& other people) should be able to look forward to a night in alone to watch crap on TV, talk bollocks on MN & eat crap - like everyone else - it's not fair you are stressing out about something that comes so easily to most people :(

I hope you can find a way to relax tonight - even if it's just talking crap on here with us.

Your DP sounds lovely (if a bit of an arse at times, like all of us!!) - he sounds like he's pretty good at reading you and helping you out, so I am fairly sure that he wouldn't do anything to you that would rock your world - I think he'd be straight up if he wanted out of the relationship and would have the decency to do that and not have an affair or anything like that (and I'm a very untrusting person these days, so I don't say that lightly!!).

He's just having a drink & a catch up with his mate and he'll be home later on - happy to see you and relaxed :)


ellajayne · 11/05/2013 18:39

So far I'm relaxed and we're going to watch Doctor Who together before he goes out at 8:30. I'm wearing his tshirt with my pyjamas and he's got the photo of me with the children in his wallet. The children have gone to bed early as they're exhausted so, so far so good.

He's a great man and I hold him in very high regard so I'd like to think he'd never do anything like that to me. I am very untrusting too after bad experiences before DP and rumours in our early relationship that turned out to be untrue as he proved otherwise but still racked my mind at the time. Jealous ex friends who wanted to be more and hated me for wrecking their chances, basically. Needless to say not in our lives in any capacity any more!

OP posts:

LittleMissGerardButlerfan · 11/05/2013 18:49

I completely understand how you feel I have anxiety and OCD too and sometimes feel panicky and worried for no reason, and it's awful when you can't put your finger on why as you can't solve it if you don't know why.

My OH works shifts and works away sometimes and sometimes I feel fine and really enjoy it and other times I freak out and hate it.

At least your OH is supportive and understands, my OH thinks I should just get over it and I'm just being irrational (I know in my mind my thoughts are sometimes irrational and I am a control freak but I really can't help it)

Hope you enjoy tonight, and we are always here to talk, that's what I love about Mumsnet :o

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