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AIBU?

To FB msge the girl bullying DD & tell her to stay the fuck away?

226 replies

Gossipmonster · 11/05/2013 09:02

I am not going to but it's do tempting.

Said girl encourages others to do unpleasant things to DD. In Sep one of her friends pulled DD to the ground and kicked her in the head repeatedly and yday she encouraged a boy to straddle DD and make disgusting sexual gestures to her, filming it and theatening to put it on FB.

Every day some kind of other low level incident.

School are great and deal with it but I am fed up of DD having to go through this.

Just looked on this girls FB and its wide open all comments from sycophantic friends telling her how amazing she is. I just want to write what a total birch she is who is making my DD's life hell :(

I won't as I am bigger than that and am using correct channels but this is horrid :(

OP posts:

Report

Gossipmonster · 12/05/2013 15:39

This happened on Friday - tomorrow is Monday - not sure what I was supposed to do yesterday or today. Yes I will be questioning why the phone was not confiscated.

The last incident was dealt with with the police, my DD, me, the other girl and her parents. We all say in a room together and talked about what had happened. It's quite a traumatic experience for a 13 yr old but I think it made her feel better and gave her an apology.

I think the perpetrator learnt from it too - which yes I was pleased about as no child is "bad" or "evil".

I didn't ask for advice here if you read my OP.

I am dealing with this in the best way for my DD and for me.

I am taking decisions for my daughter which I feel are in her best interests.

I feel very pleased for all the posters here who will have all the answers if/when they ever find themselves (god forbid) in the same predicament as my family. It must be a great position to be in to be an expert and to say to someone who has not brought this upon themselves or asked for this that they are failing their child and not doing anything - when I clearly am.

OP posts:

bringbacksideburns · 12/05/2013 15:46

Stop getting angry with the wrong people.

You need to address the filming of the incident then, if she is happy to stay on at the school.

It needs to be taken further and you need to make a Stand about this. It would be taken seriously by the Police, but as you are determined not to go down that route then sod e mailing and get yourself into school tomorrow and ask for at the very least a suspension for the lad and the girl ,and for the teacher to be properly reprimanded and to apologise to you and your daughter for protecting the culprits.( Probably a friend of the lad's mum, who is also a teacher, eh?)

I would also be making it very clear to the headteacher that they in turn inform these kids that if there are any further incidents at all, the Police will be called and the lad may end up with something on file to do with inappropriate sexual behaviour/assault and Cyber Bullying for the girl. Put the fear of God into them. If you don't get anywhere tell the Head you are going to the Governors and Ofsted as the school is failing to protect your daughter. And if your daughter has a good group of friends around her it might be worth ringing up their parents and asking them to help her out at school more and report stuff they see.

OxfordBags · 12/05/2013 15:48

OP, I get what you are doing and it feels like you're doing your all and your best, but as a survivor - yes, it feels like that - of bullying including sexual bullying - let me tell you that you are getting it wrong.

You're thinking about the here and now. What she wants now, what she feels up to now, what works for your lifestyle now, sorting out what's happening now. But the worse part of being bullied is actually not about what happens at the time it occurs, it is afterwards, it's about the adult life of the victim.

Of course your DD doesn't want to go to the police, to tell on her peers, to make a fuss, to change schools. So you, loving mother that you are, heed these wishes. But this is a scenario where you have to insist on 'Mother Knows Best' and do what's right, not what she wants, not what works in the short-term. By not making her talk to the police, to be more proactive, you are teaching her, as surely as anything she leants at school, that she must minimise abuse, that she just needs to accept, albeit with a bit of fuss, what happens to her. These are two major facets of the mindset of domestic abuse victims. It is more common for female victims of childhood and teen bullying to go on to abusive adult relationships than not, not just because of the damage that the bullying does, but perhaps even more importantly, because their parents don't handle things properly and give them unconscious messages that they somehow deserve it, or don't deserve protection, or should just not make a fuss.

The option you need to take is the hardest one. You need to push this much, much further than you have done. You have to be cruel to be kind. You are the parent here, and she is only a child. 13 is still very young. She doesn't get to have the final say on matters where she just cannot understand the bigger picture and long-term implications. And I say that as a right old hippy mother.

OxfordBags · 12/05/2013 15:52

X-post: just seen your latest post. Please stop being self-pitying. Your DD is not served best by a mother telling herself she is a victim too, when you're not here. No-one has aid you've brought it upon yourself. But whilst you're there telling yourself we have, it's jut a distraction to keep you from acting, yet again.

So many people on here, like myself, were the victims of bullying. We are telling you what the wrong approach is, and what we needed to happen. Many of us had parents who didn't want to push us to report or make a big fuss, and let us dictate the scale and pace of things, and we are telling you that it was the worst thing they did. We are telling you that this approach leaves children scarred for life. It's not your fault this happened,it is so unfair. But it is happening, and you're the adult, not the victim.

FreyaSnow · 12/05/2013 16:08

There are only really three possible outcomes to discussing this, OP.

You believe the way you are trying to help your DD is the best way. In that case, what are you hoping to gain by continuing this thread?
You believe the majority of people on this thread are right and you change what you are doing.
You believe neither yourself nor the people on this thread really know what is the best thing to do, and you phone a help line and get specialised advice and support for you and your DD.

crashdoll · 12/05/2013 16:10

You are acting in a very self-pitying manner. Believe it or not, people like me are actually trying to help you and your daughter. No, you didn't ask for advice but you posted that your 13 yr old was sexually assaulted, what did you expect people to do?! And please do not assume you know what people have or have not been through.

MadBusLady · 12/05/2013 16:13

Only came on to say OxfordBags posts are bang on, and very moving. Please, please listen to her.

Gossipmonster · 12/05/2013 16:22

Well that goes both ways crashdoll and there are lots of people on this thread applying their own experiences to what my DD is experiencing.

Individuals deal with things very differently and never assume your own experience is the same or felt the same as someone else's.

Not sure where I have assumed that I know what other people have gone through? .

If it is self pitying to admit that seeing my DD experience this is a horrible experience for me as a parent to go through and to make decisions about then so be it.

I have repeatedly said that we do not want to involve the police and I have clearly stated my reasons why. I don't really think any of us have the right to tell someone they are "wrong" because they are not dealing with a situation the way they would or would have liked to have had their own experience dealt with.

To suggest because I am not going to the police that my DD is more likely to become a victim of domestic abuse is quite frankly ridiculous.

I never asked for help. I feel I am doing the best I can I don't need to ring a helpline or get advice.

I am waiting to see what the school are going to do before I go rushing off to the LEA, my MP, the police, Social Care.

I think that's common sense.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2013 16:22

OP, FWIW I think you are dealing with this appropriately ATM. Go to the school tomorrow and see what they, this boy and his mum have to say. Ask what they are going to do about the ringleader and make a huge fuss about it being recorded by her and deleted by the teacher.

If your DD doesn't want to change schools I don't think she should have to (and I have no doubt that the bully would move on to another victim at the same school). If I were you, I would be using the fact that it was recorded by the ringleader and deleted at the teacher's request as leverage to have something done about this girl.

Gossipmonster · 12/05/2013 16:23

And yes I was also bullied at school.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 12/05/2013 16:23

If you get no satisfaction, you can then go to the police (and I would inform the school, the boy and his mum of this fact tomorrow).

crashdoll · 12/05/2013 16:35

Gossip It is wrong to not report a crime IMO.

nooka · 12/05/2013 17:04

I really don't get this. Last time there was a nasty incident the police were involved, and although your dd found it hard the outcome, from what you have said, was good. Isn't it the outcome that really matters?

People are concerned because you appear to be taking a very passive approach, an email to the school and wait and see. I can see that an incident on a Friday afternoon is tricky to manage, but I'd at least be planning to go into the school on Monday and making sure that they are aware that this is a very big deal indeed. I know as a working parent that may not be easy, but the school have already fucked up once on this so I'd be worried they may go down a minimization route instead of throwing the book at the instigators.

C999875 · 12/05/2013 20:22

Well I do not think this is the best way to deal with things, but after all you are a mother so it would not be normal if you did not feel like doing this. If anyone hurts your child then the claws come out it's an animal instinct. God I hate bullies. What do they get out of it. Do they think it's impressive because as we all know it is not. I do not know much about the bullying policies but I do know they are not working infact it is not even illegal to bully ATM. Have you all signed Aydens law to make bullying a criminal offence. I can't imagine any parent not signing it. If I had my way I would name and shame bullies. Also just to let you know I am thinking about both you and your daughter. It's horrible to think of people hurting them isn't it. You don't want any nastiness on them at all . You just want to protect them don't you. I will say another thing as well that damn face book has a lot to answer for. xx

marjproops · 12/05/2013 20:26

can someone link the aydens law petition onto here?

fancyabakeoff · 12/05/2013 21:38

www.aydenslaw.org/petition/

fancyabakeoff · 12/05/2013 21:39

Ayden's homepage

www.aydenslaw.org/

fivesacrowd · 12/05/2013 22:02

Gossip - good luck for tomorrow. I've just been though something similar though not as serious with my dd (14). I too was tempted to go on facebook and tell the perpetrators exactly what I thought if them and managed to resist and tbh if I had it would have made the situation much worse. Your dd obviously tells you what's going on and trusts you to deal with it. Is there a campus cop at school - ours dealt with situation really quickly & effectively.

differentnameforthis · 13/05/2013 08:49

Do you really need to spell this out to me?

I think you do need it spelling out. You are writing off 2 serious incidents. There is also low level bullying everyday! I feel for your daughter. I certainly would not have sent her back after her head was repeatedly kicked to be honest.

The school ARE NOT dealing with this. They are failing your daughter. First she gets her head kicked repeatedly & then a sexual assault takes place. This on top of constant bullying. None of this would be happening at all if the school were effective at dealing with bullying!

StuntGirl · 13/05/2013 10:53

The school is not effectively dealing with this bullying and you are not effectively dealing with their negligence.

I know that sounds hard to hear because you probably feel overwhelmed with pain and sadness that your daughter is in so much emotional pain.

If you worried half as much about your daughter and her future as you are doing about these other kids and their futures this would have been stopped by now and your daughter would be safe.

madonnawhore · 13/05/2013 11:24

Stuntgirl is right. The school are being really shit at dealing with this and now it's time for you to go nuclear.

However much your daughter wants to minimise this and try not to rock the boat too much, the fact is that crimes of sexual violence have been committed against her. You mustn't collude with her in trying to minimise this. She deserves to be taken seriously and be protected.

FWIW I think some people's anger on this thread is misplaced. And it's being directed at you OP when really it's the school who's massively failing your DD here.

The only thing you've done wrong us to put too much faith in their ability to deal with it. Time to bring out the big guns.

cumfy · 13/05/2013 11:56

This is all so very sad, I do hope you find a resolution.

Did you experience any bullying at school ?

SandraSue · 13/05/2013 13:18

OP, you have repeatedly said you don't need advice....so what was the point of this thread? It seems to me you just want the attention because people are saying "I've been through this, you should do XYZ" and you're just getting angry at them for not agreeing with you

I just don't see the point if you don't want advice, it's not like you didn't know people would comment on the other things you're doing about it :s

marjproops · 13/05/2013 18:05

sandrasue I was thinking the exact same thing as you.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 16/05/2013 10:30

The OP came on to vent, clearly. that's entirely legitimate, loads of people do that on MN.
Hope the school are tackling it, Gossip. Must say i am shocked (but not surprised, iykwim?) that the teacher deleted the clip.

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