To FB msge the girl bullying DD & tell her to stay the fuck away?

[Gossipmonster]

I am not going to but it's do tempting.

Said girl encourages others to do unpleasant things to DD. In Sep one of her friends pulled DD to the ground and kicked her in the head repeatedly and yday she encouraged a boy to straddle DD and make disgusting sexual gestures to her, filming it and theatening to put it on FB.

Every day some kind of other low level incident.

School are great and deal with it but I am fed up of DD having to go through this.

Just looked on this girls FB and its wide open all comments from sycophantic friends telling her how amazing she is. I just want to write what a total birch she is who is making my DD's life hell :(

I won't as I am bigger than that and am using correct channels but this is horrid :(

[pigletmania]

You cannot keep hiding threads because they tell you the reality, and keep hiding away burying your head in the sand. The schoolis nt oing anything about it as the bullying is still happening and a stupid e mail won't do anything just be filed away or deleted

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

i do think larry makes some good points, to be fair, this does read like quite a pile-on. it does, however, sound like things need to step up a gear regarding these incidents.

[OxfordBags]

Wanting a child to get the help she needs is not bullying.

"I'm hiding this" appears to be a metaphor for the OP's reaction. That girl is a child. I wholeheartedly agree that children should feel they have control and a say in what happens to them, but as parents, we ultimately have to do what is best for them. And that would be moving her to another school, or even home schooling. There's no point in the OP banging on about how she should be able to go to school and not face this crap - well, of course she shouldn't, the poor girl, but she is facing it and will undoubtedly continue to face it. You can't keep her in an intolerabel situation because of what things should be like; they are not like the ideal, so deal with that. Deal with reality. Do you want to be right, or do you want your DD to be safe from this crap?! If it makes life harder for you, Op, dare I say ... well, tough titty. You're the adult here, you can cope with extra arseaches in your life, she is a child who can't and shouldn't take this.

On another point, and I hope you read this - just because the bullies are blocked on FB, doesn't mean that they aren't saying shocking things about your DD on their own pages, which you won't be able to read, as they are blocked. The school or police need to get access to those, to ensure that they are not badmouthing your DD or plotting new nasty things, etc., etc.

And a last thing: my heart sank when you said that your daughter is a lovely girl who will rise above this and go onto a good life, etc. Because that's what my mum used to say when I was bullied, which also included sexual assault and general sexual threat and sexual verbal abuse. Whilst it's very loving, what she and you both fail to realise that once you have gone through severe bullying, especially including sexual aspects, there's not enough of your self-esteem left to get you over it and create some mythical good future. I am 40 and in therapy in part for the bullying I suffered in my teens because my life has been utterly wasted and sad and full of self-loathing and being unable to trust anyone.

[crashdoll]

larrygrylls It is not the OP's choice to do what she wants. She is responsible for her 13 year old child.

From what I'm reading, people are concerned that OP's daughter does not have to face this every day at school. Some of us have been bullied and know the pain, regardless of if the daughter is happy or not, being bullied is unpleasant. That incident was a step too far IMO. I hope the OP's daughter gets the support she needs from her family, friends and the school.

[Midori1999]

It's lucky for the OP she can hide this thread if she doesn't like what people are saying. What a pity her DD can't do the same with these bullies....

OP, if you are still reading, perhaps you should think about what message you are sending your DD? That she needs to consider the future and feelings of someone who has sexually assaulted her? That they don't deserve to be punished as the law sees fit for their crimes? Surely even if she doesn't want to report, you should be encouraging her to see how serious and unacceptable what has happened to her is and that she wouldn't be getting anyone into trouble by reporting, they have brought it on themselves. By reporting she should also be aware that she may be protecting others, because it is not her fault this is happening to her.

[Gossipmonster]

I have found a lot if the responses on here quite patronising tbh.

Thanks larry.

Suggesting I should give up my job and home school (am a single parent of 3) .

I am looking after my daughter - just because I do not want to force her into going to the police or change school does not mean I am failing her.

I am dealing with it. Just not the way most posters on this thread think I should.

That doesn't make me wrong, a crap parent mean my DD is suffering more than she should as I communicate with her and I deal with it the way she has asked me to.

[larrygrylls]

"larrygrylls It is not the OP's choice to do what she wants. She is responsible for her 13 year old child."

Well, actually it is. It is up to her and her daughter, with the support of her school to decide what to do. It is certainly not up to the MN consensus! Justice by AIBU would be strange justice indeed.

No one seems to be able to see that the school is involved, the boy has to see the headmaster with his parents, for instance. The OP's daughter does not want to leave the school or report the matter to police. You can all project your own experiences of bullying on to her, but you actually have no clue what she is going through or how it is affecting her.
I know many people who were bullied (including me for a short while at a relatively low level) and the answers were all different. Moving schools is great assuming the person settles well at the new one and experiences no more bullying. But if they don't? Then there is a pattern of failure in their minds. Equally, involving the police suits the consensus, but, really, considering the actual circumstance as described by the OP (rather than some imagined major incident), what are the police going to do? Even if they give the perpetrator a stern talking to, it is unlikely he is going to be excluded from school, far less arrested or sent to prison. And how does that actually benefit the OP's daughter? She then has to survive in a toxic atmosphere for the rest of her schooling. It is not her responsibility to "protect others", Midori, she is far too young for that role. It is the school's job to do that. They seem to know what is happening and the OP is working with the school.

I suspect that what the OP wanted, really, was support in the decisions she had taken and maybe some non obvious suggestions, not a repeated shouting at that she is failing to protect her daughter, which I don't believe to be the case.

[Fancydrawers]

Nobody has called you a crap parent. But don't post in AIBU if you don't want honest responses. I don't think you're doing enough.

[pigletmania]

By not going to the police when she is being assaulted and harassed you are not helping your dd especially whilst this is still carrying on. So you just want those who agree with you

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

If she was 5. And she had a uti. And didn't want to take anti-biotics would you say "that's ok I'll respect your decision" or would you make her take the medicine because you know it's the best thing in the long run and as the adult you make the call?

This is similar - she doesn't want to, but the right thing to do is go to the police and get it treated properly. Please.

[FreyaSnow]

LG, I don't know what the police would do. I doubt it is as simple as giving the boy who assaulted her a talking to or sending him to prison. There will be numerous other options available, which presumably the OP would be able to find out by speaking to either the police or a help line that deals with sexual assault.

How do you think it helps to suggest there are no routes the police have to help in this matter?

[larrygrylls]

Freya,

I am not categorically stating that. However, you equally cannot state categorically that telling the police would actually make things better rather than worse for the OP's daughter, can you? You like to think it would but, in reality, it could make things worse. And, if reporting were really the only responsible option, would the school not do that considering that they know all the facts?

What I can categorically state, though, is that the OP and her daughter have a right to make the decision that they feel is best for them and them alone and that they do not have to consider the wider impact on society or the MN jury verdict when so doing.

[FreyaSnow]

LG, this is is a situation where a teenager has been sexually assaulted and both the school (by deleting the evidence) and the parent (by claiming it is not a child protection matter) are showing themselves to be at best compromised in their ability to deal with this matter.

We all might have difficulty if this if it happened to our child. I might not know what to do. So I would seek advice. No, it doesn't have to be reported to the police; the police themselves had systems set up to support victims of assault who do not wish to report.

What is clear is that telling the girl that she is special/loved etc and thinking about responding to bullies on facebook and telling the school is not an adequate solution for the girl, and the OP should get advice, either from the police or a help line. It shouldn't be a choice between the OP's current thinking and the contents of this thread. She should go and get proper advice and support.

As for the people who did it, it isn't just the boy, The main bully encouraged him to do it and recorded it - which are both also police matters.

[larrygrylls]

Freya,

Once again you sound like a child protection manual rather than a parent. You hardly mention the actual welfare of the actual child concerned and seem far more interested in whether the correct procedures have been followed.

Ultimately real parents will do what is best for their own children and to describe a concerned educated parent as "compromised" in her ability to make the correct decision for her own child is reducing parenting to a series of manuals and flow charts and is insulting to the OP.

[SlumberingDormouse]

I know it's a slightly different situation, but I was badly bullied for two years at university. I experienced sexual assaults similar to the attack on your DD. The bullies also stalked me and called and messaged me in the middle of the night threatening to rape me, etc. I went to the police and they didn't press charges but they did create a file and give me support. It was only when I got the police involved, and threatened to go to the press as well, that my uni took it seriously and made it stop.

[Gossipmonster]

It's not a CP matter because I am a more than adequate parent and I am protecting my daughter.

I am communicating with the school and they with me (they phoned me and told me about the incident before I knew anything about it).

So I take my DD to the police station and force her to talk about this incident to a stranger when she has asked me not to?

That's not going to humiliate her at all is it?

The she has to go back to school?

[FreyaSnow]

LG, I don't know a great deal about child protection. I can only look at the situation on this thread. It is a situation where a child has been assaulted as part of a series of low level incidents that happen, according to the OP, every day.

It has nothing to do with procedure or flow charts. It is a situation where neither the school nor the parent seem able to change the situation (and I'm sure a lot of us can empathise with being that parent and wanting to tackle the bullies ourselves). If you don't know what to do, the obvious solution would be to go and ask somebody who has a lot of experience at dealing with this stuff, who could potentially help you and your child.

[Gossipmonster]

I repeat the incidents I mentioned were NOT low level!!!!

LOW LEVEL incidents every day on top on those I mentioned.

[bringbacksideburns]

I would go in on Monday and see the headteacher, this lad and his mum, and i would ask if there is any way the film can be found on this phone, whoever it belongs to. No coincidence then that his mum is a teacher and this other teacher got it deleted it quickly - they should have confiscated the phone!

I'm not suggesting you force you dd to do anything or that you are failing as a parent but i think you need to get a whole lot angrier on her behalf. I would not be happy if this is still continuing on a daily basis and the school sound ineffective. I would be teaching my dd that no boy should be doing that to her ever again and i would be getting the police to speak to him and not have him anywhere near her.

[FreyaSnow]

GM, yes I understand that. I wasn't suggesting that either you or I believed the assault was low level. I just phrased the sentence badly.

[larrygrylls]

Freya,

It takes time and I hope the school are going to take the matter in hand properly. There is no quick fix to bullying, sadly, and many do end up moving school because of it (including my god daughter).

I think the OP needs to talk to the head about the bullying policy and make sure that it is strictly enforced. Failing that, she could appeal to the board of governors. I suspect those routes would be more successful than involving an external agency, or at least need exhausting first.

There are no good or easy solutions and for lots to pretend the solution is clear is wrong. I am absolutely not against the OP having a quiet word with the police to ask for advice and have her options explained. On the other hand, if you read her post above, I totally concur with her reservations.

And, on a separate point, using words like "compromised", "not protecting her daughter" etc DO come close to bullying of someone when they are feeling vulnerable and in need of support.

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

If you don't do something now, even if it's just to record it, are you going to be able to live with yourself if they do something even more extreme in the future?

Which is blunt, but that's how I saw it when I was in a situation where something had happened (similar but not the same) and my child didn't want to report it.

[bringbacksideburns]

TBH OP if this is an example of what she is being subjected to on top of everything else i would not be sending her in until it's dealt with better than this - suspensions etc

[Gossipmonster]

I have done something to make sure it's been recorded.

I went to the police in Sep and went through the RJ process.

[FreddieMisaGREATshag]

But you really do need to get this latest incident recorded officially with the police. Please.