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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To throw my toys out the pram and not go now?

52 replies

sparklestar · 10/05/2013 15:14

I am a little scared to be posting on this page but here goes as I would really like to hear some other opinions!....

A family member is having a celebration party in the summer and we have been invited with our 3 children.
The party is over 300 miles away.
We said that we would go but have now been told that the party starts at 3 until late but all children are to leave before 8pm, after that its adults only.
All our family will be there so there is no-one to look after the children after 8 that wouldn't be at the party and also there is no-one that my children know well enough for me to leave them with - because of the distance, we don't see family/friends there very often. (DC's are 7, 5 and

OP posts:

squeaver · 10/05/2013 17:30

Can I ask what you were expecting? For the party to start and finish earlier? Or for the kids to be welcome to stay later?

ImagineJL · 10/05/2013 17:32

I think if the whole trip was going to be fun - seeing family, staying in a nice place for a few days,mini holiday etc - I would still go. Five hours is plenty of time for kids to be at a party, and you'll probably all be ready to leave by then too. You can see the family again during the rest of your stay.

But, if it's not a nice place to visit, and you were really only going for the party itself, then I probably wouldn't bother.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2013 17:36

YABU. I'd be ready to go home at 8 myself and turn the party into a mini-break weekend.

Original poster

sparklestar · 10/05/2013 17:37

Well Startail - this is what I am thinking. We wont be able to afford to have a holiday as well as do this as all the money would be gone. Our children come along everywhere with us or we don't go. I wouldn't leave them with someone they don't know in a place they don't know. I really want to say we wont go but I wanted to see what the general consensus was as I didn't want to sound like I was being petty. This family member doesn't have children and I don't think they will understand but we have to do what is right for our family.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklestar · 10/05/2013 17:38

Squeaver - what I was expecting was not to be told when I have to leave the party! To come and go as me and my family please!

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklestar · 10/05/2013 17:41

ImagineJL - We are purely going because of the party and that's why its got me irritable. If it wasn't for that then we wouldn't chose to go there this year, we go every 2-3 years and we went last year.

OP posts:

Original poster

sparklestar · 10/05/2013 17:43

expatinscotland - I know what you are saying but its a LONG way to go with 3 children in the car - took us 9 hours last year so just for a few days, 2 of which would be travelling (which would end up being expensive few days too) its not the ideal mini break for us.

OP posts:

yummumto3girls · 10/05/2013 17:54

It depends on whether going other than the party is important otherwise I would not go. Do they really expect you to travel 300 miles to leave at 8. A wedding is a family affair and children should be welcomed, what do they expect you to do with them?! It's up to them to choose to have no children, and its up to you to decline for that reason, and I would be apologising for not being able to go because of childcare.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2013 18:02

If it's between this and a family holiday, no contest. Decline and go on holiday instead.

ukatlast · 10/05/2013 18:11

YANBU What the heck is wrong with people? So glad my family is not at all like this. Yes DECLINE and tell them why.
Is there no one else among your relatives who will be in the same boat?

IrritatingInfinity · 10/05/2013 18:41

YANBU at all. I wouldn't go. I would tell your relatives why. I wouldbe very polite but if they know the reason they may rethink the no kids policy and change it to a no kids if practical policy.

diddl · 10/05/2013 19:08

Leaving aside the fact that you could "only" go for 5hrs-surely the fact that it's a 9hr drive makes it a no?

ClartyCarol · 10/05/2013 19:13

Don't go.

DontmindifIdo · 10/05/2013 19:25

so it's a wedding where the ceremony has already happened, DCs are invited to the day do but not the evening party (which normally ends up being a drunken piss up and not very child-friendly IME).

I've been to a few where DCs have been "kept going" for the evening do - this normally involves the Mum juggling the baby/toddler who's overtired and exhausted, slightly older DCs being really naughty because they are tired (it's a full on day meeting family and being good for hours ) and DCs basically throwing tantrums because they should really be in bed, or at very least be at a stage when they are calming down for bed (evening dos when the music and dancing starts are far from the most calm environments).

While your family might not be able to babysit, that doesn't mean they don't have details of a babysitter, I assume being 9 hours you'll be staying over - could you ask your family to recommend someone? Last time I went to a family wedding we used a babysitter recommended by my aunt in the hotel room in the evening.

Or do you have PIL near where you live that you could leave your DCs with and just go you and DH? Or don't go if you don't want to. But even if they made an exception for you, realisitically, with a one year old, you'd only be able to manage an extra hour there - tiny babies might sleep anywhere in their buggies, but by 1 then tend to just cry.

HorryIsUpduffed · 10/05/2013 19:30

I've gone that far for shorter parties. Five hours is a big ask for small children in my experience.

Would you go for a visit sometimes without the party? If yes, then just treat the five hours of party as a bonus, and have a lovely weekend.

Nombrechanger · 10/05/2013 19:48

There is no way I would go to the party. Sod that.

squeaver · 11/05/2013 17:47

Ach, just go and stay as long as you want. What are they going to do? March your kids out and lock the door at 8pm?

WafflyVersatile · 11/05/2013 17:57

Well the party is only one part of the visit. Maybe look at it that way.

DontmindifIdo · 11/05/2013 18:29

Oh don't take squeaver's advice! I hate it when people are politely told that their DCs aren't invited to an adult event but hten just decide that their desire to be there should trump other people's feelings and so force the issue - that's just either going to make the bride and groom say something and make them look like the 'bad guys' at their own wedding celebration, or make them put up with your DCs when they have made it clear they don't want them there for the evening do.

It's not like they've said "no children" at all, just only children at the day part, the evening event is adults only - they've clearly decided to make one event child friendly and the other an adult only event, and you know what, not everyone want or like children being at evening dos.

Plus if your DCs do get overtired (which a long day travelling followed by 5 hours at a family party would probably do), you know they will start acting up and while it's embarrassing enough when your DCs are badly behaved at an event they are invited too...

Snazzynewyear · 11/05/2013 18:37

If you really would like to go, there are two options I'd consider - one, talk to the party hosts or someone close to them and find out how firm this 8pm thing is. Two, look at babysitting services like sitters.co.uk who I have used when staying in hotels before. I would also stay that night where the do is rather than elsewhere if at all possible.

However, as has been said, if doing all this would be at the cost of your family holiday, then it's a big ask and I wouldn't worry about saying no and explaining it on cost grounds if asked - no-one can really argue with that.

Bowlersarm · 11/05/2013 18:44

Go. Definitely go.

You'll have a fab time with all your family enjoying the day. Then you get to go somewhere else (hotel? holiday cottage? didn't see what your plans are) with DH and DC just about when you've had enough socialising anyway-would you really want to stay on into the evening after being there so long?

A great excuse to leave and have quality family time with just DH and DC if they haven't crashed by then.

What a lovely way to spend a few days.

Original poster

sparklestar · 11/05/2013 22:16

Thanks everyone, you have all really helped me think it all through and I think I may have made a U-turn!

OP posts:

Dumdeedumdeedum · 11/05/2013 22:25

YANBU children are part of the family too. I think it's mean to exclude them AND shows a lack of respect for the parents in your family to basically question their ability to do what's best for their children.

shewhowines · 11/05/2013 22:59

Family holiday, no brainier.

Can one of you go (the one whise relative it is) and reduce the cost by sharing a hotel room with someone else or kipping at a relatives? Maybe use a train or coach?

BlackeyedSusan · 11/05/2013 23:08

i also vote for the family holiday. they will get more out of a holiday than party. 9 hours is too long for something that is not that thrilling for them.

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