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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL have stopped picking my older DC up once a week after 11 years.

32 replies

notso · 09/05/2013 12:41

I don't mind if they don't want to anymore, it's their choice obviously. I just wish they had spoken to me, DH or the even the DC about it.
Late last year they made a big thing about making a playroom and filling it with toys, a games console, TV etc.
They even started taking DC3 with the older two to give me a break when DC4 was tiny but they stopped taking him after a couple of months. Then they kept cancelling picking the older two up and now they have stopped taking them altogether.
I've tried bringing it up indirectly but they just say they've been busy and will take them next week, then they cancel again.
Then they come round and say how they haven't seen the DC for ages, and they miss them. DC keep asking when they are going next.
I have a terrible feeling my DC are being ditched for their new GC as there have been hints that they will be looking after her when SIL goes back to work, although SIL has denied this.

AIBU to have it out with them? DH just says it's up to them and I should leave it.

OP posts:

TheRealFellatio · 09/05/2013 12:44

Maybe they think that you've had 11 years of help from them and it's someone else's turn. They might have a point. you say you don't mind but it sounds like you really do, actually.

squeakytoy · 09/05/2013 12:47

why do you not talk to them about it? it doesnt have to be a case of "having it out"..

ShatnersBassoon · 09/05/2013 12:47

I agree with your DH. There's nothing to have out with them. They obviously don't still want to do what they started doing 11 years ago, which is their prerogative.

Do you go to their house much, or is it usually them visiting you?

NomadicSneer · 09/05/2013 12:49

Perhaps they just don't want to see your DCs as much anymore. It might be nothgin more than that.

No need to argue with them.

ShadeofViolet · 09/05/2013 12:51

I can understand where you are coming from a little, especially if your DC's are upset.

Why not call them and tell them the DC's are missing them.

Patchouli · 09/05/2013 12:52

Your DH is quite right.
Maybe things have moved on in their lives: new interests
maybe they'll be helping out their daughter
I'm sure it doesn't mean anything personal.

Butkin · 09/05/2013 12:52

What did they do with them when they "picked them up"? Take them back to their place or on outings? I think you've been amazingly lucky to have this outlet for 11 years. Maybe find out from them, though, if there is something that can be done so they can see the DGC more - perhaps you dropping them at their house? How far away to they live?

yaimee · 09/05/2013 12:52

I cab see why you are annoyed about them not talking to you about it and continuing to reassure you that they will take them the next week.
You don't need to have anything out, just talk to them calmly, as neither of you have done anything wrong!

valiumredhead · 09/05/2013 12:52

It might not be a case of being ditched for the new GC's and more of a case of if they are going to see everyone they have to cut back a bit? They won't have endless energy and perhaps they are feeling worn out after 11 years of helping out?

Just have a chat with them.

Bessie123 · 09/05/2013 12:53

I agree with you op that it's up to them what they do but they need to tell you 1 way or the other. It's not fair on your dcs to keep breaking arrangements at the last minute.

Beamur · 09/05/2013 12:54

It's curious behavior.

I wouldn't be happy if my PIL made arrangements to see their GC and kept cancelling because it would upset the GC (and me).

adeucalione · 09/05/2013 12:55

It seems odd that they stopped so suddenly - do you think they felt taken advantage of, or unappreciated? I wouldn't be able to resist asking them - 'I've noticed that you don't seem to take your GC out any more, I hope I haven't done something to offend you?'. It may well be that they are getting older and find it more tiring than they used to, or are busier, or think that it might be time to help out SIL.

TheRealFellatio · 09/05/2013 12:58

It sounds to me as if they feel a bit taken fro granted. I'm getting the impression that the only time they spend with the GCs is when they are prepared to take them to help you out, rather than you visiting them or spending time together as a family. Maybe they are just trying to make a point that they are grandparents, not unpaid babysitters.

OTTMummA · 09/05/2013 13:00

I think that YABU and YANBU
YABU to 'have it out' with them, they have helped out a lot over the years and I don't think being aggressive with them will do any good tbh.

I do however think they should have spoken to you or your dh about reducing how much they see the children, if they are getting older and have other commitments then I can understand them cutting back or just wanting to see them with you and your dh.
But it was unfair to just stop it like that without giving you chance to explain to the children < it must be hurtful and confusing for them >

I think you should maybe explain that the children were a bit upset about the sudden change, and maybe you could arrange a big day out where you all go together?
Maybe they would prefer to do less 'looking after' and more fun bits IYKWIM?
You will just have to get on with it I suppose, a new grandchild is coming and after 11 yrs of help I think you should accept gracefully that they need to help someone else for a while.

Original poster

notso · 09/05/2013 13:00

I mind for my DC because they have been upset especially DS1 who struggles with change in his routine. I really don't mind if they don't want to have them anymore.
They started having them at their request I didn't ask them to.

OP posts:

OTTMummA · 09/05/2013 13:05

Maybe ask them not to make plans unless they definitely know they can actually stick to them because it upsets the DC to be let down each week.
Or ask them if they would prefer you to drop them off, go with them etc

It was rude and unfair to the children to do that tbh, but you won't know unless you talk (calmly) about it.

If they say they are busy, ask if you can help in any way? they may feel more obliged to turn up if there is a bit of give from your side?

Startail · 09/05/2013 13:08

I think you are being totally Daft starting a thread here instead of just talking to them, but I've never understood this urge to treat PILs as some strange alien being.

They are people, talk to them! Anyhow after 11 years your DCs must be old enough to pick up the phone and say "Hi granny see you on Thursday" and leave them without a leg to stand on.

LemonBreeland · 09/05/2013 13:09

Agree with OTTMummA. Aske them not to make plans if they will let your DC down as it is upsetting for them. It is rather unfair of them tocancel on your DC week after week.

TheRealFellatio · 09/05/2013 13:10

But presumably if this has been going on for 11 years, you started off with one child and you now have 4, and they are 11 years older. Perhaps they are just finding it too much.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 09/05/2013 13:11

You need to talk to them - not a row, but is everything okay? Type chat.

There could be lots of reasons as they are obviously getting older.

pigletmania · 09/05/2013 13:11

Yanbu at all they cannot mess children about like that. If things ave changed they should have told you, not keep cancelling. Mabey you and dh should talk to them

Original poster

notso · 09/05/2013 16:28

Gah stupid computer froze, then had to pick DS1 up.

What I meant by 'have it out' was know one way or the other if they are picking them up rather than all this beating around the bush.
With hindsight AIBU was probably not the best place to get advice.

TheRealFellatio I don't know where you got the impression I don't see them, I see them all the time.
Admittedly we don't visit as much as used to during the week since the youngest 2 have been born because I don't drive so we can't just pop in and buy the time the DC are home from school, have eaten and done homework then it's almost time for the youngest to go to bed. They don't have all the children, just the older two.

I think I've made it clear I'm grateful for them picking the children up over the years. I invite them round to eat with us, buy MIL flowers and bake them cakes etc. Aside from when they took DS2 when I had newborn DC4 I didn't think they were doing it just to help me out. I thought they were doing it because they wanted to see DC by themselves. I'd be really sad if I found out they were doing it all this time without wanting to.

OP posts:

sunshinenanny · 09/05/2013 16:39

Wonder how old the in laws are? It may be that they are just finding it a bit tiring or maybe they want to do other things. If they do want to help with new GC it shouldn't be an issue as your children have had lots of attention and now are getting to an age where they need less care.

Having said that, They shouldn't be letting your children down by cancelling but you do need to talk to them in an non-confrontational way! Don't make assumptions without knowing the full facts.

Squitten · 09/05/2013 16:43

Just have a conversation! Tell them that you've noticed them cancelling every week and would they like to just stop the arrangement.

Original poster

notso · 09/05/2013 16:48

They are early 50's.

I have tried to bring it up three times but each time they've just brush it off and offer to pick them up as usual.

I'm thinking of telling them the DC don't want to come on school nights anymore to let PIL off the hook.

OP posts:

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