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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find my MIL so obnoxious

43 replies

Nora2012 · 08/05/2013 23:09

This is possibly more of a rant as a means of therapy, but I'd like to know if I'm the only person who found their relationship with the MIL changed dramatically as soon as my daughter was born.
DD is now five months old and I'm living every second of parenthood, except the in-laws are like having a sword hanging over my head which could drop (in) at anytime. They live only a mile or so away and despite repeatedly asking them not to they just turn up unannounced. In the seven years we lived her per-baby I could count on one hand the amount of times they've popped round, but now they even let themselves in and wait for us or drive round the estate looking for us if we're out on a dog walk. When they do come in the expect tea making for them and then leave me the washing up. But this is the least of my worries, the MIL just has nothing nice to say. She is constantly commenting on what I'm doing wrong with my baby, dressing her incorrectly, not putting her nappy on right, I'm being "too educational" by going to baby classes she hasn't hot time to be a baby, teaching her baby sign means she won't learn to talk, taking her swimming will ruin her skin etc. At about a month old we had to take DD to hospital to have sons tests as she lost weight and all MIL could say was "I told you you weren't feeding her enough". I was breast feeding every two hours 24 hours a day but still felt guilty, as mums do, so I don't need anyone else telling me it's my fault. She has no respect for me, and if I ask her not to do something she says "I have raised two children of my own you know". I had to introduce house rules, which I would have thought were just common sense; no hot drinks near the baby, no sweating, no smoking near her and wash your hands after a cigarette. But she just ignores my wishes, I have to constant remind her and I just get tutted at.
She snatches the baby as soon as she walks in the door which I originally said no to, but she still took he'd anyway, so this had twice resulted in practically wrestling the baby. If she's on the play mat or in her chair she'll just take her out, I have to physically block her. But if DD cries she doesn't know how to deal with her, she shouted "shut up, no one wants to hear you" and "I'll make you disappear". I'd like to make her disappear!
Two more points and I'll stop... She insults my baby, chanting "gurney gob" at her when she was crying and also saying "urgh, you've got a spotty face" which was then followed by "that's your mums fault for talking you swimming". I can't stand the thought that she might have a negative impact on my baby's self confidence. Her children both have confident issues and I now see why!
Finally, this isn't supposed to sound materialistic, but they haven't bought her a single thing. She's their first grandchild and she's recived

OP posts:

LadyKinbote · 09/05/2013 05:09

She sounds a nightmare! Genuine suggestion - can you move house??

LadyKinbote · 09/05/2013 05:13

...You obviously shouldn't have to but if it's something you were considering anyway it could resolve a lot of problems! Even if it's not that far, at least you can keep 'forgetting' to get spare keys cut and make a new start with new rules. Or you could just confront her which is less costly but more scary!

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems · 09/05/2013 06:36

Next time she is there say you need her key as you are going out and cant find yours. Then don't give it back. If she asks for it back say she can just call first when she wants to come over. Keep repeating this.

Everytime she says or does something repeat the same thing. 'please don't swear near the baby' 'no she does not need picking up' ' I like my baby signing classes I take her and I pay for them so it's nothing to do with you' and so on. Repeat x 10000.

Hope it drives her mad before you.

Make sure you husband supports you with this.

Thepursuitofhappiness · 09/05/2013 07:20

You could leave your key in the door so hers won't go in, leave through the back if you need to go out (just till she gets the message).

I had the same re feeding comments with my Gran, saying he wasn't Looked after properly and needed a bottle...I answer back everytime!)

MiaowTheCat · 09/05/2013 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mullinsamy · 09/05/2013 07:29

There is only one way of dealing with mother in laws. My one is definitely evil. I endured 4 years if her comments, poison and sniping. In the end I lost it, and whilst I never shouted or called her names or any if that, I was completely honest, in a very frank way, that left her little room for response. I backed up everything I said with (several) examples. I told her there, after everything, we would never have a 'friendship', and that I did not and never would even like her much, but that I was willing to endure her for her sons' sake. These days, we are frosty but the comments have stopped, and if she tries, I shoot her down immediately.

coralanne · 09/05/2013 07:34

She sounds horrible.

Not much help I know but definitely ask for key back as you have lost yours.

Don't try to justify your decisions to her. Remember that she has the problem, not you.

Khaleese · 09/05/2013 07:45

Oh i've been here. I didn't see them before DS, then they turn up three times a frigging week..

Your husband has to have a frank conversation with them. he needs to explain that your not a 'popper inner' nor do you like it.

He needs to enforce rules, ours are:

They must ring before popping round. you can ignore the phone

Keys must never be used unless with permission.

They have to ask before picking up baby.

No smoking, hand washing. If they don't, they leave.

No swearing. If they do, they leave.

Basically you need to get very assertive, babies do odd things to people. Find some polite ways to assertively say no.
I would also suggest that you find assertive ways to say they are being mean. If she's calling names say "it's not nice to call names, i don't like it when you do that. Stop."

My life got a lot easier when we stood up to them, they needed to know that were in charge. We had tears, heartbreak, sulking etc.

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/05/2013 07:57

Yanbu.

I would be inclined to mostly blank her but when she behaved like that just tell her to leave.

Chisbird · 09/05/2013 08:05

Yanbu but as the other posters have said, you need to manage her so this behaviour stops. Be assertive, not aggressive. Be reasonable, not pfb. And get your dh to support you, explain the rules, and apply consequences to not changing the behaviour.

My dh is very close to his dm but understands his loyalty is to me when raising our dc, so will put himself in sometimes awkward situations to resolve issues amicably.

Good luck

mummybare · 09/05/2013 08:20

Or perhaps when she is rude to the baby you could repeat back what she has said, so in a not-sure-whether-to-be-amused-or-shocked-or-angry voice say, 'Did you just tell DD to 'shut up!'?' It gives her a chance to backtrack and makes clear you aren't happy with the way she's speaking to your DD without you having to 'tell her off' iykwim.

DontmindifIdo · 09/05/2013 08:26

(TheRealFellatio - DCs who learn baby signing tend to talk earlier, a lot of nurseries do it now too. It might sound like it'll stop them talking, but it's about teaching earlier that they can communicate earlier than they might be ready to talk, so it tends to be the other way round. I didn't pay for classes as there was a lady who came to the sure start centre running classes for free, DS learned a few signs, he was able to tell me he was hungry before he was talking, he does have a very good vocab now.)

Anyway, OP, few things, first of all, your DH needs to talk to his parents, he has to say they have to call first to arrange to come round to check they are wanted, they can't come round daily, or chase you round the estate looking for you. You need your key back, or just change the locks. Even better, set visiting times once a week, and that's it.

If you want to do classes and go out and actually enjoy your maternity leave, why the fuck should you stop in to be there for them? They need a life that's not just taking over yours.

Do not worry about being rude to them because they are not in the slightest bit concerned about being rude to you. So call your MIL on everything she does, "My house, my child, my rules." (delivered with the death stare). Another good phrase is "please stop criticising me, it does make me rather dread your visits, DD is bound to pick up on it soon."

It's hard because up to now, you'll have been making an effort to make your MIL like you because she's your DH's mother, it's drummed into us it's important to make a good impression etc, but when they aren't bothering back, it's perfectly ok to stop being so nice to them.

DailyNameChanger · 09/05/2013 09:11

Poor you, I went through all that crap years ago when my first was born. Somewhere along the line I toughened up and managed to shake her off. The bottom line now is I refuse to be alone with her. She has done some lovely things for us and I respect both my in laws, but I make sure we are together when we visit as she only really misbehaves when it is the two if us. My hub does visit without fail with at least one of the kids weekly though, so they see him separately and the kids which I hope is lovely for them. You need to get some baby mates and get busy so you are not a sitting duck in your house.

whatamardarse · 09/05/2013 09:17

Thereal ---Baby sign also opens up another part of the brain that is usually reserved learning another language or musical instrument. I think you should read up about it before bring so dismissive. Baby's can sign before there tongue development can handle words. It's awesome .

MiaowTheCat · 09/05/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonsLimes · 09/05/2013 09:59

God she sounds absolutely terrible. Your dh needs to have it out with her and ban her from popping in. Let her come by invitation only and your dh needs to tell her to stop being so rude and awful.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 09/05/2013 10:07

I think you are going to have to be very very blunt. If they take offence, well, so be it.

change the locks or fit a chain or do whatever you have to do to make it so they can no longer gain access to your home whether you are there or not!

If you don't want to answer the door - don't.

When she tells you how she's raised two kids - say that you know she wouldn't have tolerated her mother in law trying to control her so why is she trying to control you. or look her in the eye and say yes, you did, and that was your turn. this is MY child, not yours.

ChubbyKitty · 09/05/2013 11:14

Smoking around the baby is just awful. This comes from a heavy smoker! I have a family of smokers and majority of my friends are smokers and I can't imagine any of us smoking around such a tiny baby!

Yanbu at all she needs a talking to, about that and all the other things.

And congratulations on your DD

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