I really don't know how to handle this

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

Not really an Aibu but really need perspective and advice.

DD is 11 - in yr 6. She is starting puberty and is overweight (call from school nurse last year repeating that her BMI is in this category). From the back, DD is slim but she does have a large tummy. She has a massive appetite and eats 'normally' - not a good word to use but not fussy, good amount of fruit and veg etc. she walks to school and back (1mile each way) but isn't overly sporty/active. She makes the odd comment about not liking her 'fat tummy/legs'.

Last Thursday I left her for about 30 mins at home when I took DS to a club and came home to find she had eaten the packed lunch supplies for this week. (This included mini snack type bags of scotch eggs, chicken nuggets, cocktail sausages type things). I had got them as a bit of a treat as they were on offer and for convenience cos of my shift pattern this week.

We spoke about it (quite calmly) said I was disappointed by her dishonesty as she had 'taken' them and chatted about healthy/over eating etc. She apologised, said she saw the error of her ways etc.

Today DH is working at home, went to make lunch and reports that the 6 pack of special crisps have all gone. He got them when I was working on Monday. He then found 5 empty packs under her bed! Minx! This has happened before but not to this degree - the odd biscuit etc.

I have decided not to buy any more unhealthy stuff. But I don't know how to deal with this secrecy and her huge appetite. She seems to binge and have no self control. I don't want to make a huge deal of it and give her a complex - Gid knows what the implications may be - but feel I need to guide and support her to make healthy decisions for herself.

Wow that sounds like my childhood. I was a little chubby in year 6 but looking back I grew a little and hit puberty so by yr 7-8 I was a fairly normal size. My Mum dealt with it by controlling my food, putting me on diets and generally making a big deal about it. All that happened was I would sneak food or buy in at school and grew up to be overweight (size 18 by 16yrs old). When I left home at 18 and the control was gone I ate terribly and ended up over 21st by age 20!

I'm still overweight despite losing weight and I have lifelong issues around food and my body image. I always felt my Mum would love me more if I lost the weight and I'm worthless until I did/do.

Control and telling off just draws more attention to the eating. Binge eating is usually a symptom not the cause of any upset. I would suggest considering if there are areas of her life she's not happy in? I certainly wouldn't suggest control as a way of dealing with it. Maybe try to be more active as a family at weekends and look at how your family's relationship with food (for example do alot of family activities end up revolving around food?). I say this because for example we would to go to the cinema but always go for a meal before and gets treats in the cinema - half the time I'd be looking forward to food at events more than the event itself.

Such a difficult thing to deal with and I'm not even sure I've been that helpful, all I know is as an adult I am still suffering the affects of a poor relationship with food that started in my childhood. Good luck I hope you find a way of dealing with it xx

This was me as a child too. I absolutely loathed myself and was completely lost in my own misery.

Removing junk food from the house won't fix it. Binge eating is a compulsion and it doesnt really matter what the food is.

If she can't open up to you I would get her some counselling. I say that as a 17 stone 33 year old emotional eater. Please help her to fix it before she ends up like me.

I second upping the protein- helps level out blood sugar and she may well be in a growth spurt. Eggs for breakfast, or cold meat; carrot sticks and salsa and hummus makes a good snack, if she takes a packed lunch put lots of meat in the sandwich and take a babybel or a few nuts instead of crisps. Also second a good healthy snack after school, with a big drink, so she can then have a pause before supper rather than grazing.

Sounds to me like she's probably having a hard time at school. Girls of that age are notoriously nasty judgemental and if she's aware that she's a little bigger than average then even a 'funny' but unkind comment will probably hit her hard.

I think that getting rid of all the junk will help but I would combine it with teaching her to cook and getting out and about together too so it's 'we should all spend more time together doing stuff' rather than you need to exercise and stop eating all the food iyswim.

I say teach her to cook as it's a lifetime skill and will show her without preaching what is in what you eat. More than anything I'd make the whole deal a 'family change'.