Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be brimming over in sympathy.

51 replies

edinbuirgh80 · 07/05/2013 12:41

So yesterday dh had a vasectomy. He has been a complete nighmare. Basically saying/being in so much pain and really milking it. I have tried to be sympathetic but its starting to grate a little now.
After all i have had 3 csections and after this last one pretty much had to get on with looking after our 3 dc and the house. He had 3 days off work only and even than had to be asked to change a nappy. He didn't once offer to do any hoovering or ironing etc so it just got lef until I had to ask him to do it.
Aibu

OP posts:
NotYoMomma · 07/05/2013 13:40

And what harm is that for a pill free life? dreams

AThingInYourLife · 07/05/2013 13:43

I'd be really sympathetic if it were my husband.

But then he's not a lazy cunt who treats me like shit...

sparechange · 07/05/2013 14:30

I'm a bit staggered at how horrible everyone is being to OP
"But then he's not a lazy cunt who treats me like shit..." Seriously?
Has everyone got a post-bank holiday hangover?

scaevola · 07/05/2013 14:34

If your DH is floored with real flu, you nurse him. If he's moping around with 'man flu' you're bracing, especially if he's crap when you're ill.

OP is probably in the same position - some men are unlucky and have hideous pain after vasectomy (awaits an appearance on this thread from TheFuzz ), most fortunately don't.

And at least OP is unlikely ever to need a CS ever again...

chillinwithmyyonis · 07/05/2013 14:40

If he didn't help out when you had c-sections, meh, don't help him now and tell him why, karma and all that.

A c-section is not comparable to vasectomy, the former is major abdominal surgery (plus you have a newborn to look after whilst trying to recover), the latter is day case surgery.

YANBU, did he not get some solpadol to take or something? Make sure he takes it, that'll shut him up for a few hours.

EasilyBored · 07/05/2013 14:42

See, if my DH was in pain after an op, I would look after him and try and help him feel better, do all the house stuff etc. Because he is my husband and I love him. I would also do it all without complaint. But that is because my husband is a kind, considerate man who waited on me hand and foot and wouldn't let me lift a finger round the house in the weeks following DS' birth. If he had been an arse and not done the lions share of all housework following my third section, I would probably be quite short and bitchy as I fluffed his pillows. I'd do it. But in a 'gosh, it would be so awful if you had to look after three children and do all the housework while you were recovering from a painful surgery like this! I can't even imagine what that would feel like!' With a nice, passive aggressive eye roll.

So YANBU.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 07/05/2013 14:48

DH had a rough time after his vasectomy. He was in quite a bit o pain and had a lot of bruising. I was very sympathetic, but then he's a decent bloke and was wonderful after I had our DC or if I'm ill etc. I also couldn't quite believe he'd gone through with it.

BookieMonster · 07/05/2013 14:52

DH was told after his NOT to do anything but rest for 24 hours after his op and he was in a lot of discomfort for a couple of days. I have had a c-section and I don't think even DH would compare the two procedures, however he has had surgery, it is a physical (and emotional) trauma and he is likely to be in pain. FGS, let him have a couple of days to recover!

isitsnowingyet · 07/05/2013 14:55

What wigglesrock said. Try being kind and let him have a rest.

CalamityKate · 07/05/2013 14:57

The only time I've ever seen my - very stoic, carry-on-through-any-illness - DH cry with pain is after his vasectomy.

Tight pants. Tight pants is what your DH needs. They tell you this but it makes a huge difference.

MummytoMog · 07/05/2013 15:02

Why on earth do people iron? I just don't get it. I must iron once a month, if that.

Your husband sounds like a prat, and it's hard to be sympathetic when you haven't had any after major abdominal surgery, but just think of the moral high ground ;)

LatteLady · 07/05/2013 16:34

Oh Lord, everytime I read the phrase "milking it" I start snerking...

IfYouCanMoveItItsNotBroken · 07/05/2013 17:41

After my partners vasectomy I tried my hardest to sympathise, I really did. But it's the lying on the sofa, hissing through his teeth all day that pisses me off. I offered to fluff pillows and bring him food if he would just retire gracefully to the bedroom and be in pain away from me, not right in my face taking short intakes of breath everytime our toddler came within 3 feet of him. But he's like that everytime he's ill. If I'm ill he goes to work and I still look after 3 under 4s.I've had 2 third degree tears and a section, he was great the week he was off for those so I really wanted to be sympathetic. He's having a small operation on Sunday and is expected to be in full health within 2 weeks. If he lies in my living room for a fortnight moaning I may smother him. Give him a wee bit of sympathy, it is painful, but I would suggest to him that he stays in the bedroom to recuperate so you don't hate the sight of him.

havingamadmoment · 07/05/2013 17:51

I would tuck him up in bed with some painkillers and get on with life. It doesnt sound like he was very kind to you when you had your c sections however, trying to get your own back now will only make you even more miserable about it (lets face it it always does). If nothing else if hes in bed relaxing hes not cluttering up the place moaning is he?

FeckOffCup · 07/05/2013 19:10

YANBU to be less than sympathetic, I wouldn't be gushing with tea and sympathy in your shoes either.

I doubt with two older children as well as a newborn after your last c section expecting him to do a bit of hoovering or ironing makes the OP a "houseproud idiot" Hmm. Older children still make mess and need school uniforms sorting out even when a new sibling is born, it's not a big ask to expect the father of your children to pitch in and help sort things out.

kotinka · 07/05/2013 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

natwebb79 · 07/05/2013 19:44

I/my DH irons because if our clothes are crinkly we feel like we look like a sack of shit and we take pride over our appearance. Just for those who don't seem to understand the concept. Grin

Maryz · 07/05/2013 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lcdaff · 07/05/2013 20:24

Dm and I still aren't allowed to forget the pain df went through when he had the snip 20 years on!
I kicked him in a very sensitive area two days post op when dm took me into bed with them in the small hours.
Neither of us will ever be forgiven for that and dh will be forever hear the tale of his trauma.
For what it's worth before that isident he had spent the weekend mowing the lawn and putting up shelves. After he spent two weeks signed off sick sitting on a bag of peas!

KatieScarlett2833 · 07/05/2013 20:29

Have you had a close look at his bollocks?
DH looked like they had been kicked around at Murrayfield by players in hob nailed boots. And then sewn up again. Then boiled Wink
DH did insist on driving himself home afterwards though. Balls of steel Grin

weebarra · 07/05/2013 20:36

KatieScarlett - you have just made me spit tea over my ipad.

DoJo · 07/05/2013 23:25

If he's pissed you off in the past with his lack of sympathy then that was the time to tell him how you felt and insist on him doing more, not now when he's in pain and isn't in a position to fix the past.

Original poster
edinbuirgh80 · 08/05/2013 10:00

Well i have allowed him to lounge around on sofa day of op and yesterday. Is now back at work (desk job) so a bit of a
.dramatic recovery. Incidentally i had to do school run the week after 3rd section.
Think i just got a bit fed up partly because mil has been laying it on with a trowel too. Shame she wasn't so concerned with my wellbeing after a 30 hour labour and crash section and the other two subsequent sections. And breathe.

OP posts:
chocoluvva · 08/05/2013 10:19

Don't you dare feel guilty about not feeling as sympathetic as you would have if your DH and his DM had been more supportive of you edinbuirgh80! It sounds to me that you need to look out for your own needs.

Being in the situation you were in is very hurtful.

Was your DK keen to have 'the snip' or did you ask him to? I suppose if it was your idea he will feel that he deserves a lot of sympathy and (gratitude).

Hopefully he will be more supportive to you the next time you're unwell. At least you know you won't ever need another C-section!

kotinka · 08/05/2013 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.