AIBU to not want anything to do with PILs 'Inheritance Planning' ?

[TheRabbitCatcher]

I've namechanged as this is quite a personal issue.

PILs are (very amicably) divorced and, through shrewd house purchases, hard work and their own inheritances have decent-sized estates (about 4-5m between them I guess).

Recently they have approached DH several times to discuss 'inheritance planning'. He has no interest in the actual money and doesn't care for tax dodges so has suggested that they speak to a professional who can help them to decide what to do. Actually, I think that he is terrified of the idea of his parents dying, but that's not the reason he gave them. While I respect DH's wish not to discuss the issue, this has led to PILs now coming to me to ask if I can 'encourage' DH to engage or become involved myself. I don't feel comfortable talking to them about their money either so have taken to changing the subject or found reasons to avoid any lunches clearly planned to discuss the topic (this tactic is not long-term, I know). I know that they read our lack of interest as being unsupportive of them and irresponsible (towards them and our children, who I suppose would gain the most out of their planning). To them, I think that leaving a 'good' inheritance is important, especially as their parents did this. While I am happy to support them in other ways, I feel very uncomfortable talking about this (basically, discussing how we could gain the most out of their deaths) and know them to be more than capable of making the 'right' choices without our involvement. My own family is not especially well off and Quaker, all this feels a bit alien to me.

AI (and my husband) BU?

Inheritance planning is sensible and good business. Lack of planning is irresponsible, and will trigger huge and completely unnecessary expenses.

With all due respect, the attitude displayed here by you/dh indicates that neither of you are ready for/able to handle the responsibility that comes with handling/managing significant sums of money.

If you both are really not interested in the money, then let your PIL give it somewhere it will be appreciated. Or, 'let' them leave it to you/dh and then the two of you can give it away to a charity of your choice.

Even if you are not interested in inheriting money your own children may well be.

Sit down with them and tell them that you and your dh don't like the idea of planning for inheritance but you will support their plans and are grateful that they are considering your futures.

We had a similar scenario when DH grandfather died some time ago. His grandfather wanted to transfer money into our name as well as some property to avoid inheritance tax and DH did not want to be part of it.

He did discuss with his grandfather the will helped him plan but we did not want to be part of a tax avoidance scheme. I think you are being unreasonable to try and avoid discussing wills and finances but not to want to pay the tax that is due.

YABU not to talk about it with them.

YANBU to not want to do anything illegal. I wouldn't.

YABU not to help try to work out how to lawfully minimise any inheritance tax implications.

My DH and I are in our forties and we are already giving extra cash to our kids. We pay 40% income tax - we don't want to pay another 40% inheritance tax on top of that.

Sorry for small derail......
Musicaltheatremum
We knew when my husband was 38 and our children 6 and 4 that he would die young so we were able to financially plan things. He died aged 50 and everything on the legal side was wonderfully easy. Even took out a school feels policy so the fees were covered and 4 years of university so I don't have to worry about the drop in income

This is a very sad situation but I don't understand how you could have got insurance cover for a pre-existing condition? Or, am I thinking of the wrong thing??

In an ideal world, PILs would sit down with both their sons to explain their plans for the future. This gives everyone a chance to air their feelings and points of view.

The number of families that are torn apart by financial issues after the deaths of parents is astounding and I strongly believe that a lot of heartache could be avoided if every family talked through the decisions with their loved ones before they die.

All your PILs want is a sensible grown-up conversation with their adult children, it is unfair that they are putting pressure on you but I can see why they are turning to you as the mother of their DGCs (and in the face of your DHs apparent apathy). I think you need to tell your DH to man up and deal with the situation.

Apologies if this has already been touched on, I've been reading the thread on and off and may have missed a bit. Notwithstanding comments others have made about how Inheritance Planning isn't necessarily wholly evil, are you sure that this is entirely about their estate. It could be that they want to discuss things like Power of Attorney, who will make decisions about things like DNR should they get ill (and what the decision should be). Even if you have huge problems with the idea of tax planning I'd want to be sure that there weren't other things included in the discussion as well.

I've just come back from a weekend with my parents. They don't have a big estate or anything to worry about, but they DO have concerns about the possibility that they'll need care homes at some stage in the future, and NOW is the time to start thinking about the various options, what we might do with their house etc.

I've told them they need to see a financial advisor, this is a complex area which needs professional guidance. But I'm not avoiding discussing it with them.

Ignoring an issue is rarely the best way to deal with it.

YABU and foolish.

YABU. For a start, I'm not sure I entirely believe anyone who claims they don't want to inherit a large sum of money from their next of kin - unless there's other ishoos at play that you haven't mentioned. Ditto not being interested in it for yr DC.

Secondly, PIL prob want to involve you and DH because they are worried about looking after themselves in old age and want you involved in the paperwork - power of attorney, etc, etc. Refusing to engage is a bit mean.

I'm not sure what being a Quaker has to do with it , some of our most famous financial institutions were founded by the Quakers. ; most notably Barclays Bank .They were also responsible for other large companies ( sadly now mostly sold ) like Rowntrees and Frys chocolate.

The Quakers have always been financially astute whilst retaining a social conscience,notably the demise of the last family chairman of the board coincided with their change in direction which led to their shark like reputation today .

Sorry that last Paragraph referred to Barclays Bank

We don't have a problem with inheritance as such, DH used the inheritance from his grandfather to pay off a mortgage however when we know that we have only managed to get to university and to succeed in life because of tax payer coffers it would it would be wrong in the extreme to deliberately steer money away from the tax system.

But I agree that refusing to engage is not fair.

It is just not something I would choose to be involved in.

YABVU not to avoid inheritance tax.

You might as well just send the government a random donation of your money.

We are talking about the "taxman " as if he is some kind if evil child snatcher .

Our taxes pay for schools , hospitals , police, care for the elderly .

Aristotle - but our DC won't be getting a "free" or even subsidised university education. We are looking to fund 54k of uni fees and probably the same again for their living expenses.

So why not send the 'taxman' a gift of £10k of your money Arisbottle?

Not for us Aristotle. If our parents need care homes they will be required to pay. If my taxes are to increase I want better services.

We will need to pay for our care, but there are many people who have not had many of the chances we have had , and they will need funded care. I am paid by the taxpayer , I was educated by the tax payer , I have given birth four times in NHS hospitals , my children are all educated by the tax payer . As a student I had loans and grants from the tax payer .