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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to have a full time nanny if I have a 3rd child, and for that to be a condition of having a 3rd?

91 replies

TattyDevine · 04/05/2013 18:33

Curious what others think.

On the face of it, I know it makes me sound like a decadent cow, which is not the end of the world.

But here's the history - I have 2 children, aged 3 and 5, love them to bits, a boy and a girl (irrelevant). I had 2 bloody awful pregnancies; pre-eclampsia with both, and placenta praevia with the 2nd. I would be having a C-section if I were to have any more babies. Barely slept for the past 3 months of each pregnancy - in fact it was sweet relief when each newborn arrived, even if they fed 3 times in the night I was still getting better quality sleep than in pregnancy!

I come from a family of 2 children, a boy and a girl, just under 2 years apart. I have basically replicated what my mother did, so it feels complete and right for me. If there were nobody else to consider, I probably wouldn't be thinking about having any more children.

My DH, who is the most wonderful loving father and excellent husband, doesn't feel the family is complete. He came from a family of 3 kids (irrelevant?) and both his sisters had 3 kids (irrelevant?) so perhaps he feels he just hasn't ticked that last box. He absolutely loves babies and children.

However. He doesn't have to carry them, something I wasn't terribly "good" at, and he doesn't have to do the majority of care - he is in a Directors role in the City and with that comes long hours, regular travel, etc etc. This is not going to change nor do I particularly want it to, its how we roll.

The thought of going back to "babyland" - nappies, night feeds, weaning, lugging them about, pushchairs, and everything up till about age 2 where they can do some preschool and reliably walk/run and stop plastering weetabix on the wall...it makes me feel TIRED. But it doesn't mean I don't want a 3rd child - if I could fast forward pregnancy and that first stage I know I would never regret it. I know you can't fast forward it, but how about make it as easy as possible?

A Nanny to either do the school run for the 1st 2 children whilst I lay in bed with the baby in the morning, who can then take the baby if I want to pop out or take it to a baby group or something whilst I get on with some housework or a leisure activity, then maybe have the baby whilst I do the afternoon school run, help with dinner pandemonium and all that malarkey, and leave at 5 with 2 fed older children and a bathed baby...that, I could do.

We can afford it. Husband has said "sure, no worries" - he just wants that 3rd child. Who am I to deny him? Is he wrong for wanting it so much when it is such a hard couple of years for me (whereas he's back at work in 2 weeks and apart from some disturbances at night and changes to the weekend routine...

AIBU? Sorry a bit long, didn't want to leave something majorly relevant out and dripfeed...

OP posts:
Talkinpeace · 04/05/2013 20:53

YANBU

I said to DH I'd only have a third if I had a full time Nanny
which we could never in a million years afford - but I meant it.

DorisIsWaiting · 04/05/2013 20:56

I had 3 (one of 3 and didn't feel right with just 2)

I also had horrendous pregnancies (hospitalised 7 timkes between the first 2). BUT DH stepped up to the plate and where ever possible (and I mean wherever) took care of the elder 2. He did all the cooking (I had HG and the sight of food made me want to vomit).

We survived and the sheer relief when the baby popped out and I could feel normal (ish) again was fantastic. We now have our 3 and I do feel complete. I love other people's babies but have absolutely no desire to have anymore of my own.

TattyDevine · 04/05/2013 21:47

Tricky. I do think I'd hate to be a nanny to a woman at home (mainly; I do have a sort of little job and little business thing but I wont bore you with that)... - but actually, if I had a nanny, once recovered, when the children were at school, I would happily pop out, be busy or whatever on the basis that I could, and its the whole point, etc. I would be suggesting a daily activity (which I think babies need from a certain age...when there are not older children around...so a toddler group etc plus have her feed them lunch etc)

That said I would be pottering around cleaning and doing stuff. I had a nanny helper person after my 2nd was born for a while and I found I would drop them off at the park and go and do stuff, or clean, or do a cupboard or something.

Arghrrr. I dunno. Now thinking I am actually done Sad

Wish I could just have the decision made for me which is stupid.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 04/05/2013 21:56

But, I don't have to make the decision yet. Bah.

OP posts:
Dozer · 04/05/2013 21:58

Not stupid to wish someone else could make the decision, it's how I often feel about adult life! Smile

lookoveryourshouldernow · 04/05/2013 22:04

...looking ahead though

...get a Nanny - but make sure you choose one that is athletic...

I used to ask mine to take my place at in Mothers Race on Sports Day - she used to win every time !!!

TattyDevine · 04/05/2013 22:08

Dammit lookover, that's the only way I'm ever going to win!

OP posts:
scarecrow22 · 04/05/2013 22:10

I would give my arm for a DH that wanted more children, let alone offered to pay for a nanny...as OPs say if you want the child do it, with the nanny ; if not, the nanny is an irrelevance. And there is no reason to feel guilty - you had a tough time and the strongest among us would almost all say yes to the nanny, certainly for three.
Wishing you well with the decision

emalushka · 04/05/2013 22:13

Go for it. But be aware, I'm in haze of newborn bliss. Just had my third and he is perfect. Has completely made my family. There will be no more, but am so pleased we went for 3. Do it! And for me, the third has been the easiest. Easy birth, sleeps through the night, rarely cries and just fits in like the final jigsaw piece. I feel so lucky. You won't regret it. Just grit your teeth to get through he 40 weeks of pregnancy!

Karoleann · 04/05/2013 22:15

I had a nanny for third child 35 hours (various shifts through tout week depending on school holidays etc), dh also worked v long hours. It was good, we wouldn't be done it if it was a financial strain, nd it allowed me to spend time with my older two withouth baby being around.

Kids are now almost 7, 4 and 2 and we don't have any help at the moment, both older children are at school and its fine, but I'm glad we ad help.

Interestingly my mum (who lives 200 miles away) questioned why I needed a nanny and I did point out that she had her mum, and mil within 10 mins drive, both had us for a day each a week. Pls babysitting.

No it's not necessary, bu it makes your life and your marriage much happier so why not if you can afford it.

StarsdontShine · 04/05/2013 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woopsidaisy · 04/05/2013 22:24

I had a nanny for DS2, and I didn't work. It meant so much, as we live away from all family support.
I would do it again if I could.
Have DC3 now. But others are much older now and in school and then activities after...I enjoy every minute of my time with DC3. I still have a cleaner and DH is hinting at a DC4.... only if I get a nanny again! Grin

Fefifo · 04/05/2013 22:27

It sounds like you would love another child, but not enthralled by the idea of another baby because you've already got a lot on your plate with 2 older ones. I feel the same. So if you could make that short baby phase easier by getting a nanny then I would absolutely go for it. Sounds wonderful for you as well as your dh.
The only thing I would throw out there is what if your 3rd had long term additional needs so that magic age of independence came a lot later? I don't know, the chances are probably very small but for me, and this probably is ridiculous, but it does factor into the many reasons I wouldn't try for a third. I too enjoy my children more the more independent they become and I just don't think I have it in me to do the absolutely amazing job that I see parents of children with SN do with two older kids already in tow.

Afritutu · 04/05/2013 22:29

I feel slightly embarrassed to be quoting Gwyneth Paltrow, but in a recent article she said someone told her that you should picture your family at thanksgiving dinners in years to come and plan around that, rather than worry about the baby years which are fleeting in the grand scheme of things. She is apparently umming and erring about a third, and recently had a miscarriage. I think it's good advice actually. If your 'family vision' is 3 kids for both of you, and you have an affordable solution to help you manage the difficult baby period in the short term, then do it.

louisianablue2000 · 04/05/2013 23:22

Do what you need to do to survive. We have three, I have a lovely DH who is very hands on with the kids. When I was pregnant with DS he did most things around the house. We don't have a nanny but DD1 is at school and DD2 is at nursery 3 days a week, those days are bliss because I can have some time to catch up with myself and have some one to one tie with DS.

I'd agree with PPs that maybe a combination of cleaner plus mother's help or au pair might be a better fit for what you need, which is really an extra pair of hands.

louisianablue2000 · 04/05/2013 23:22

one to on time. Doh!

louisianablue2000 · 04/05/2013 23:23

Or should that be one to one even.

Snazzynewyear · 04/05/2013 23:36

Agree that the nanny is a no brainer, if you yourself actually want a third but don't want the extreme pressure of all day and all night care of an under-two. But I would just echo what a pp said - is your husband's job secure? If this all rests on uncertain bonuses, or the sector is unusually volatile atm, I would hesitate if that would shunt you into the situation you really want to avoid.

BeaWheesht · 04/05/2013 23:40

If you can afford it and want to then go for it.

I had hyperemesis and SPD in pregnancies as well as PND. If it weren't for the PND I'd have another one or two (have a ds and dd).

I personally wouldn't go for a nanny because I'm a control freak I can't be doing with people in my house but if I could afford to move closer to family so they could be there if thins were bad I'd definitely have more.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 04/05/2013 23:44

If I was you I would. No two pg are the same, I've had some bloody awful ones and some that were ok (hate being pg) same with babies, my 13 week old is by far the easiest, sleeps well and is really happy (so far)

If we could afford help I'd probably have another

foreverondiet · 04/05/2013 23:44

If you can afford it, and if you want to have a 3rd child why not?

If you really don't want to have a 3rd child then don't agree.

I think a full time nanny when you not working and older 2 at school is a lot of "help", so make VERY sure the person you employ has a good attitude and is prepared to clean your house too Wink!!!!

With the right help shouldn't be too hard - and make sure your DH agrees to help at weekend.

bellabelly · 05/05/2013 00:48

Reading your thread, I want to say yes go for it! BUT just a thought... how would you feel if it's not one baby but twins? I love having 4 kids but bloody hell it's bee hard work (2 sets of twins here). It's maybe not going to be relevant but do remember that it might not be "baby no 3" - it might be more! Does that change your feelings at all?

Softlysoftly · 05/05/2013 00:49

I have always said though I love my babies to tiny bits and enjoyed pregnancy/labour, I would be happiest with:

3 month pg (the middle non pukey/non elephant months)

10 minute pain free labour

Handed a 2 year old

So until that happens yanbu!

I'm not sure about you btw but this thread and particularly the stories/envision your family bits have pushed me into deciding to have dc3 which I was erming about! and to work my ass off to pay a mothers help

wreckitralph · 05/05/2013 00:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wreckitralph · 05/05/2013 00:58

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