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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think DH is being selfish?

41 replies

HerrenaHandbasket · 04/05/2013 18:32

We've spent the day en famille at a big beer festival and have had a lovely time with friends. I was mostly hanging out with my friends and our 2 DC, him mostly with his friends (although there was some crossover and he did a bit of child-wrangling).

A few hours before we left, he said that he wanted to go out in the evening with his mates. I said I'd rather he didn't, because the DC would be knackered and hellish to put to bed. He suggested coming back to help put the kids to bed and then going out again. I agreed to this as a compromise although I'd rather he actually wanted to stay home (and said so).

On our way back home we got into an argument about how he seems to think that if he wants to do something fun, he should just get to do it, even if I've asked him not to (and I don't usually veto without a good reason). He gets drunker than me and frankly I don't like him when he's drunk, because he turns into a pedantic arse. He was drunker than me today, I was relatively sober.

Finally in exasperation I told him that I'd rather he just buggered off out because he was annoying me. He jumped at the chance and ran off, even whilst conceding that it didn't seem fair on me.

So now I'm quietly seething about how selfish he is. AIBU?

OP posts:

Saidar · 04/05/2013 21:07

*They've already been to a beer festival where neither parent was sober, they argued argued on the way home, and again right before the kids went to bed.

Do they really deserve a possibly hungover grumpy person to care for them in the morning?*

Pretty much summed up what I was thinking there Worra

Also, since when was caring for your own children a punishment for a misdeed?

Saidar · 04/05/2013 21:08

X-posts.

Sorry Herrena, your comment in the OP regarding him being drunker than you gave me the impression you were also under the influence more than you actually were. My apologies.

Original poster

HerrenaHandbasket · 04/05/2013 21:14

No worries saidar, my op could have been more clear!

OP posts:

OkayHazel · 04/05/2013 21:31

I don't understand adults who feel they can ever veto another adult's choices, especially when he compromised and helped you put the kids to bed!

Anthracite · 04/05/2013 21:38

Do you really need both of you there to put the children to bed every time?

DH and I are keen to let one another do their own thing. It happens maybe three or four times a year, although neither of us is counting. I get to go out with my colleagues for annual dos or retirements/moving ons, plus ladies' lunches. He gets to do likewise as well as nights out with the boys. We even do taxi duty for one another.

Original poster

HerrenaHandbasket · 04/05/2013 21:48

He didn't though okayhazel, he ran off to the pub.

Admittedly no *anthracite - I put them to bed on my own at least once a week when DH goes out - but DS1 hadn't napped at all while we were out and I was expecting him to be troublesome. He was - biting, climbing, kicking me and his brother etc. An extra pair of hands would have been helpful!

OP posts:

EverybodysStressyEyed · 04/05/2013 21:50

i know exactly where you are coming from

it is the implication that you are the default childcare. my dh just arranges evenings out or agrees to stuff without checking with me first. he then says it is fine for me to do the same but in reality i can't because i can't guarantee he is home. more often than not he then manages to arrange a clash but it's fine because we can arrange a babysitter - but guess who has to arrange that!

anyway, i also hate it when things are sprung on me. if i had thought we were having dinner together and then he bailed on me for a better offer that would piss me off. just because we are married doesn't mean he can cancel plans with me at the last minute (as he wouldn't with a friend).

those saying adults shouldn't veto another adult's choices - doesn't that depend on whether or not that choice has an impact on them?

OkayHazel · 04/05/2013 21:56

Herrena That's your own fault, you told him to leave you alone!

YABU!

Fefifo · 04/05/2013 21:57

'And they were both asleep in the pram'
This to me is the deciding factor- that your dc are both, I assume, still babies/toddler ages. When they're a bit older i think it's pretty unreasonable for one partner to dictate nights out except in terms of clashes or unreasonable levels of drunkeness but if they're both still in the pram stage then I think he was being an arse. Putting young kids to bed alone can be hellish, especially when you yourself are knackered. When my youngest was under 1 I didn't want my dh away at bed time at all, for any reason, ever. After 3 I couldn't really care less. He was BU.

Original poster

HerrenaHandbasket · 04/05/2013 22:39

You are right OkayHazel, I did. I just got so frustrated and gave up arguing. You know that feeling when you really want someone to come to the 'right' decision on their own? That's how I felt.

Also, just to clarify: I don't feel I do have a veto over DH and he doesn't have one over me. It was just a figure of speech, meant to indicate that normally we check that arrangements are fine with the other party and they then get the chance to raise objections to said arrangements.

Having said that, it is pretty damned annoying when the following takes place:

"Is it ok with you if I head out to the pub with my mates?"
"I'd really prefer you came home at the same time as the rest of us."
"But I want to go out" well yes, I'd got that impression dear.

OP posts:

Lilypad34 · 04/05/2013 22:56

Let him get rat arsed and have his fun, tomorrow morning bright and early you can have yours, starting with the radio on full blast (if it won't affect your dc) then the hoover and any other sort of innocent disturbance

StarsdontShine · 04/05/2013 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LimitedEditionLady · 04/05/2013 23:07

I love how people make presumptions about other peoples relationships.
Seems to me that you are home with the children all weeks and dont go out much with your friends and this was presumably something you organised for all the family together so yeah he shouldnt have just sprung "can i go out" on you.i hate my oh saying "can i go out?" Cos then its putting it on you so you cant say actually id like to be together because then youre the naggy wife and you want to make them happy so really its not them asking if you mind.its just them going.
If he thought itd be all gravy then he wouldnt have asked like that!!and when you stay at home all week alone with the kids and they already regularly go out then why isnt it ok to want another adult there with you?theyre their kids too!!!it isnt about getting your own back by going out and leaving him,thats petty to me and turns it into a silly battle.

LimitedEditionLady · 04/05/2013 23:13

Anyway when is being in a relationship ever been about one person ruling the other,is the point not that he knew she wanted him to stay?shes not demanding he does what she wants.its that she would like him to want to stay with her!

Original poster

HerrenaHandbasket · 04/05/2013 23:29

limitededitionlady, you are a mind-reader! You've got it exactly.

He's home now anyway - much earlier than usual. I think his eyes were bigger than his belly IYSWIM! He's snoring next to me and smelling beery. Sigh.

Hopefully we'll get some quality time tomorrow.

OP posts:

LimitedEditionLady · 04/05/2013 23:40

I think i may be a mind reader....or i may know exactly what you mean because i get left in on my own alot and sometimes feel like im his mum!!
Theres no point trying to get back at them because its not that you dont want them to go out its that you would like them to want time together and not only see going getting mashed with their mates as fun!anyway if i went out to be spiteful id only have him thinking oooohhh my turn she wont.mind!!

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