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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for ending a friendship by text.

22 replies

whenthelightgoesout · 04/05/2013 13:54

I been friends with a woman since we met at 6th form 11 years ago and we live in the same town. We both work in offices close by to each other and often travel into work together. She has a girl (7) and a boy (5) and I have a girl (7) and a son (3) Our daughters are friends and go swimming together and to gymnastics.
Our two families have spent a lot of time together and I thought that things were really good. Our husbands get on and join in but they're not great friends.
About 6 months ago I started to notice that my usually outgoing daughter was resisting meeting up with this family but when I asked her if everything was ok, she always said it was. I also noticed that the daughter was sulking with mine regularly.
We had planned to go to a theme park together this weekend and when I told my daughter two weeks ago, she started crying and and that she didn't want to go.
I asked her why and it turns out that this girl has been really nasty to my DD many times and sulks if my DD doesn't do as this other girl wants. My DD said she didn't want to complain, so didn't tell me but that she doesn't like going to this other girls house.
My friend is a 'victim' type and her daughter is the same. They can do nothing wrong and I have heard many tales of how they have been upset by and picked on by others.
I tried to tell my friend by text that we had just changed our mind about the trip but she wasn't having any of it, wanting to talk about it and several messages later, was still messaging me about how disappointed her DD (and younger son) were but didn't once ask if we were ok.
Finally, I sent a message telling her the truth about my DD. The messages have stopped.
I feel guilty because by I have actually ended an 11 year friendship by text but I'm actually pleased.

OP posts:

internalship · 04/05/2013 13:58

So what's the problem?

TidyDancer · 04/05/2013 13:59

Has your friend actually done anything wrong?

I think not having the children around each other for a while is a good thing, but I don't think you handled things maturely at all.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/05/2013 14:00

It depends what you wrote. You only have your daughters side of the story, did you accuse or did you ask her about it?

Original poster

whenthelightgoesout · 04/05/2013 14:03

I told her why my girl didn't want to meet up and her side of the story.

OP posts:

TooMuchRain · 04/05/2013 14:05

I don't understand, why not talk like adults? Why can't you continue being friends without your DDs being friends?

MammaTJ · 04/05/2013 14:07

Well, it depends how she takes it as to whether you really have ended the friendship, surely.

Original poster

whenthelightgoesout · 04/05/2013 14:09

That would be difficult toomuch but yes, I should have talked to her but I was scared of her reaction. I finally criticised her DD and she turn it around onto me.

OP posts:

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 04/05/2013 14:10

Was it a 'My dd doesn't want to go because she said yours is bullying her' or ' 'My dd doesn't want to come because your dd and her have had a fall out' there is a big difference.

I would have phoned because text messages can be read the wrong way or sound much harsher then the sender meant, but it doesn't sound like you are that bothered about losing her as a friend anyway tbh.

DebsMorgan · 04/05/2013 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParadiseChick · 04/05/2013 14:13

Do ends like you don't really care about the friendship to have ended it over children doing what children do.

HollyBerryBush · 04/05/2013 14:13

I just wanted to say, just because adults are friends and happen to have children of similar ages, I've rarely come across a relationship that has stood the test of time over generations. Once the children get their own likes and dislikes and aren't quite so governed by parents, these pseudo relationships often fade away.

In this case, it has all manifested much earlier than usual.

OP you probably have lost the adult friendship through this, but fostering childrens relationships because you are friends with the parents, big no-no in my book.

Original poster

whenthelightgoesout · 04/05/2013 14:16

Yes you're right. She's quite intimidating but I should have spoken to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

whenthelightgoesout · 04/05/2013 14:18

Holly : OP you probably have lost the adult friendship through this, but fostering childrens relationships because you are friends with the parents, big no-no in my book. Yes, I think you're right.

OP posts:

adeucalione · 04/05/2013 14:44

I think it's a shame when adults fall out over things their children have done - 7 year old children make friends and break friends on a whim.

If you really felt that there was something to discuss, well then you should've discussed it (in person) and given your friend, and your friend's child, an opportunity to defend themselves.

badbelinda · 04/05/2013 14:50

A wise friend of mine advised me when I first had kids to try not to get too involved in their fallings out with each other as the parents tend to take things much more seriously than the kids themselves or saying things they later regret and end up fuming with each other long after the kids have forgotten all about it. It's important to be sympathetic to your DD and certainly not to foist these girls on each other but I would try not to make judgements about who's really at fault because most likely it's a bit of both and unless you were looking to fall out with your friend anyway, try not to let the girls' relationship affect yours - I know it's easier said than done.

MerylStrop · 04/05/2013 14:57

You really should have met her for a coffee and talked to her.
Maybe you still can.
But likely if she is the "victim" type you describe you will have reinforced her perception of the world being against her.

Viviennemary · 04/05/2013 14:57

I think texting is a bad idea. And it's best not to fall out with friends over children. Unless the friend is being totally unreasonable and even then best just to see less of them rather than end the friendship completely. I agree best not to get involved in kids fallings out. Otherwise you will have fallen out with the person and in a few weeks or even days the children will be best of friends again.

Samnella · 04/05/2013 15:16

YABU to have dealt with this by text.

And everything badbelinda said.

pigletmania · 04/05/2013 16:26

You really should have Manned up and talked to her not this texting lark, which I feel makes things worse

OutragedFromLeeds · 04/05/2013 16:43

YABU

You behaved like a 12 year old.

Groovee · 04/05/2013 16:47

Actually when someone is victim mentality, then sometimes by text is easier.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2013 17:32

"I feel guilty because by I have actually ended an 11 year friendship by text but I'm actually pleased."
It's interesting that you're pleased. I wonder if you perhaps would have liked to get out of this friendship some time ago? You've described her as having a 'victim mentality' where nothing is ever her fault, and her persistent texting to get you to change your mind. Maybe the DDs were just the final nail in the coffin?

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