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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really upset DH and insist DD does not go with him to spend a weekend with her revolting jezza kyle style grandparents?

132 replies

pinksmarties13 · 04/05/2013 00:07

Namechanged as I forgot my password, but:

I joined this site at xmas time asking for advice in dealing with my incredibly rude in-laws, who were making their 10 day xmas visit even more unbearable than usual. ( particular "issues," included but were not limited too: pretending to vomit up food at the dinner table if I put vegetables on their plates, continuing to light up and smoke in the house when asked not to, graphic, loud descriptions of their sex life in front of my extended family and children, constant racist outbursts and sulking when I wouldn't provide their favourite food/ fry ups etc.)

Anyway after I eventually told them to reign in their behaviour, I got into a very upsetting argument with my MIL who made some disgusting comments about my sex life and then abused both me and my 14 year old niece over facebook, ( she told my niece she hoped she died of AIDs.)

Unsurprisingly we have not spoken since the event, and until last week they refused to speak to DH either, as in the end he sided with me over them. This complete lack of contact was rather nice, HOWEVER:

MIL has recently contacted DH to inform him that FIL has slept with a much younger neighbour, (who is also a distant cousin of DH's from his mothers side.) MIL and FIL plan to stay together, but MIL is having difficulty living in such close vicinity to the "lucky lady." She has admitted to DH that to try and persuade the woman to move, ( woman is married and has two young kids,) she has been regularly throwing open bags of rubbish into her garden, shouting at her whenever she walks past, ( including when she has children with her,) and when she (MIL,) was drunk one night earlier this week she went out and pissed in her garden. ( It goes without saying I'm mortified my children are related to her.) She has also been cautioned by the police after she slapped this woman in front of witnesses.

It is against this backdrop that DH, is being asked to go down and "mediate," for the weekend, as said family have made complaints to the council and FIL is worried they will lose their home. DH feels he should go, ( probably because the thought of his homeless parents turning up on our door is terrifying,) however they want DD to come down to "see them as they can't see her now the ginger bitch (me,) won't let them in." They have no interest in my son staying as he has a different biological father.

Now whilst I normally agree with grandparent-child bonds, and DD wouldn't miss anytime off school, I really feel this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go. DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house.

so AIBU to say it might not inconvenience me, their not child abusers but I just don't want my child exposed to this environment>

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 04/05/2013 11:51

OH......MY.....GOD.......!!!!
I most definitely would'nt let my child anywhere near them. I understand that your Dh has to like them as they are his parents, but would say to him that I know that they don't abuse our children, but they do however suffer from the worse case of verbal diarrhoea I have ever heard of, so for that reason the answer is no.

ratspeaker · 04/05/2013 11:54

Is this some sort of official mediation with a trained impartial person involved ( on a bank holiday weekend? ) or an attempt to further intimidate the neighbour by having increased numbers and younger fitter members in the family arrive on their doorstep for a "chat"?

Shouting at their mother, chucking rubbish in the garden where kids play and using the garden as a toilet IS a form of child abuse. Do you think these kids feel safe and secure in their own home. That they can go down the street without worrying if there will be verbal abuse or that they can lay safely in their own garden?

And your DH wants to take his child into the middle of all that? I agree with you totally OP when you say " this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go."

It would be far safer for your DD to see her grandparents somewhere neutral
A picnic, a trip to the park/beach/zoo/museum not a war zone where totally inappropriate adult behaviour is being discussed

ChocsAwayInMyGob · 04/05/2013 12:11

Op do show your DH this thread. it might help him realise that what he sees as his parents usual, normal behaviour, is unquestionably unacceptable to the vast majority of society.

I think he is too close to see clearly.

thebody · 04/05/2013 12:21

Of course she shouldn't go. You would be a had parent to expose her to them.

foslady · 04/05/2013 13:23

No. No no no no no.

Do not let your dd go. This is a 'mediation' session with a woman who has no boundaries or idea of acceptable behaviour. Do you really want your dd exposed to that, let alone anything and everything else that will be thrown into the mix

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 04/05/2013 13:39

Hi op, I remember your thread from when these vile people they came to stay. Shock

No, your dd should not go. Your husband can choose to go and mediate if he really must, and good luck to him with that Hmm but it is not in your dd's best interests to go. Not at all. They can not be trusted not to say destructive, disgusting and totally inappropriate things in front of her. They do this even when you are there if I remember correctly.

so, no. just no.

Your DH should want what is best for his dd. And this, clearly, is not what is best.

Very BAD IDEA

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/05/2013 14:58

" DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house."
So, the real problem here, IMO, is your DH, not your PIL. (They are a different problem entirely, which you are sensibly dealing with by having no contact with them whatsoever.)

So, to your DH. He's looking at it all the wrong way round. It has nothing to do with whether or not his parents 'deserve' to spend time with their granddaughter; this is about what your daughter deserves. Does she deserve to be exposed to this very seedy soap opera? Because there's no way of separating her meeting them and her being exposed to her dad's 'mediation' attempts. If she's going to be there, then she's going to hear all the gory details. Why on earth would your DH think that's a good idea?

Sadly, the only thing I can think of, is that he cannot see just how bad they are. Yes, he can "agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house" , but I expect that's to do with keeping you and them apart, rather than the extreme behaviour they are modelling to your DC. I don't think he can see that how they behave will affect both children. That they don't have to physically abuse the DC to unsettle them. That DC have memories, and will mull over what they hear and witness. I think you have to work on MAKING him see that just being around his parents is not good for any child. You can point to how they have treated this neighbour's children, how they treat your son. That they don't want to see your DD for herself, but just as a way to get one over on 'the ginger bitch'. I don't know if he will 'get' it - he may well have a blind spot for them. In his eyes, he turned out all right, didn't he? But your DD is not him, nor should she be expected to cope with this pair. It's just not fair to her.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 04/05/2013 15:10

It would be a HUGE mistake for your husband to go anywhere near them.

There is no way that this is going to end well.

you need them out of your life!

Nobody has a right to be in anyone's life regardless of their behaviour. You are in someone's life until or unless your behaviour means that you don't deserve to be in it any more.

I think that applies to them.

SugarPasteGreyhound · 04/05/2013 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CalamityKate · 04/05/2013 15:47

No. Do not let your DCs have any contact at all with these awful, awful people.

gotthemoononastick · 04/05/2013 16:16

I ask again,with tears in my eyes....did you not meet this family before getting involved with their son,never mind marrying into it?
Surely you go with the same background,values and culture?
Wouldn't have seen me for dust,even if he was Brad Pitt!

ZebraOwl · 04/05/2013 16:57

So sorry your DS is being upset by this - is that fact going to help convince your DH not to take DD though? I mean, that doesn't make his being upset ok, but are you able to at least turn it to your advantage?

LimitedEditionLady · 04/05/2013 17:00

Dont let her go and see them participating in this ridiculous charade.

Widowwanky · 04/05/2013 17:11

You DD could end up hurt, or involved with SS if you DH manages to start a fight as presumably the womans DH is not overly happy with any of this either. And what exactly is he going to negotiate ?

TheRealFellatio · 04/05/2013 17:21

I remember you, you poor woman.

Not only would I refuse to let my child have anything to do with this pair of revolting nutjobs, I'd be very loathe to let me husband go either. It sounds like it could all end up getting very nasty indeed. Still, I realise you cannot sop him if he has some misplaced sense of loyalty to them, but I would put my foot down about DD. Totally inappropriate circumstances for her to be seeing them.

LemonBreeland · 04/05/2013 17:42

Why would yoyr DH want your DD around someone who called his wife and his daughter's mother a ginger bitch?

congresstart · 04/05/2013 21:45

If it kicks off and the police are involved if he takes DD SS will be duty bound to get involved...ask your DH if he wants to risk that hassle.

CarpeDiemCras · 04/05/2013 22:00

My paternal grandparents were arseholes like this, done to the stuck up insults etc. because mum is ostensibly more educated than dad (circumstance, dad is more academic in maths / science, mum is better in Englishness and also common sense)

I hardly saw my grandparents because for all the faults of my mother's family (and there are plenty) and for all the passage of time, one you call your future daughter in law a fucking Fenian bastard whore, all bets are off.

Dad gave them limited access and they took limited use of it, but whenever they turned up at our house, the expectation was laid out. The more vitriolic (my grandfather) didn't pitch up.

Point? Well I don't know how much of one there is. My upbringing wasn't entirely functional, but it was pretty bloody clear that mum and dad were a team. Regardless of all else that is surely important.

GreyWhites · 04/05/2013 23:07

They are his parents, when all is said and done. It's all very well for people to say cut all ties, but it's not that simple.

I would personally want to be involved with occasions where DD sees grandparents, purely so I knew exactly what was done and said in her presence. Keeping visits shorter is probably a good idea. And definitely don't let DD go this time, for all the reasons given above, i.e. it's likely to get emotional and you don't want DD to be involved in this.

It's not worth falling out with your husband about his parents, you just need to talk things through with him. He sounds reasonable and I'm sure he has your daughter's best interests at heart too.

Thumbwitch · 04/05/2013 23:16

Has anyone asked your DD if she even wants to go? Or is she too young to answer that? (Sorry, have missed age)

But even if she did want to go, the points about violence, potential police involvement, SS etc. are VERY valid and important. Child protection is paramount and they would take a very dim view of your DH taking his DD into that volatile situation, and a pretty dim view of you allowing it, even if you haven't, iyswim.

She CANNOT go.

pigletmania · 04/05/2013 23:19

Yanbu At all. I remember that thread and your in was dreadful behaviour upset your dd, in fact tey were nasty to your dd. nowayshould she goand stay with them

Devora · 04/05/2013 23:25

I agree with everyone else that your dd shouldn't go, and am intrigued as to what this mediation is supposed to achieve. Does your dh really think he might help achieve an amicable settlement?

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 05/05/2013 01:26

YANBU you would be seriously letting your dd down if you let her go

I am disgusted with your H for not wanting to protect his child. How dare he be upset with you when he is the one getting involved in such a fucked up situation. I would think his daughters welfare was far more important than the ridiculous situation they've got themselves in but it seems he has other priorities Hmm

So sorry you're in this situation pink, you deserve better and especially from your husband

MyShoofly · 05/05/2013 03:52

I remember your first post.....I wouldn't want any child of mine associating with those people. seriously, they were beyond vile and inappropriate. history has already told you they won't reign it in around their grandchildren either.

YADNBU - your DH can have his own private relationship with them (at their house) if he likes.

TheRealFellatio · 05/05/2013 09:27

It's sounds to me less like 'mediation' and more like they want a strapping younger man on their side if it all comes down to undignified fisticuffs in the street. Uuurgghh. What horrorbags.

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