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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for a kick up the bum/ some practical advice?

43 replies

emeraldgirl1 · 03/05/2013 12:40

I have a DD aged 8 weeks.

I am a bit at the end of my tether today.

Had very little sleep for last few nights and a row with DH last night (he'd had a bad day at work and was being an utter arse; he's usually not) which resulted in me throwing dinner in the sink (not proud of myself) and not eating any dinner. DD has been grizzling/not settling all day so far so all I have managed is half a cup of cold coffee and a piece of toast three hours ago so am now feeling even more strung out and knackered.

Wanted to nap in the 20 mins that she did but had to stay on hold to HMRC to deal with stressy taxes matter.

I am just sitting here pathetically crying because I just don't know what to do with her for the rest of the day. I am so tired I can't think straight. We went to the park for a walk earlier so I guess I could do a repeat? I feel like I am failing her by not having the energy to chat or sing or something like usual.

I know I am feeling pathetically sorry for myself so would really appreciate a kick up the bum or any suggestions how to get through a long long day today

OP posts:

RubberBullets · 03/05/2013 12:43

Do you have any friends or family who could come and give you a break? Even if they just hold her for you while you have a hot drink and something to eat

Sparklingbrook · 03/05/2013 12:43

Oh emerald stop beating yourself up. She is 8 weeks old, it's very early days.

Don't cry. How about getting a cup of tea and putting DD under the baby gym or similar just for ten minutes, and have a few deep breaths.

It's been 11 years now but I have been where you are. You can't see the wood for the trees as they say. Lack of sleep is sooo hard.

mameulah · 03/05/2013 12:45

Our ds is 5 months old and I totally get where you are coming from. One midwife said to me that babies can't retain any information about routine (or anything) until 12 weeks. I am sure that many other professionals would disagree but for me, that piece of information was worth its weight in gold.

Stop beating yourself up.

Before your dh comes home from work...

Have you got something sorted for your evening meal?

Have you 'cleared the decks' in your home? (No breakfast dishes kicking about?)

Are you clean and presentable?

Get that done then sit on your backside, cuddle your baby and put the tele on.

Let me know how you are getting on. I will report back to you with a large kick up your backside if necessary!

Sparklingbrook · 03/05/2013 12:45

And you are not failing her. If she is fed, has a clean bum that's fine, and she's had some fresh air today.

You could put her in the pram and sit in the garden. My two used to like lying under the washing and watching it flap on the line.

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 03/05/2013 12:46

My mum is away and I am rubbish at asking for help from MIL, who to be fair isn't the most practical of people anyway. I have lovely friends but live miles away from most of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 03/05/2013 12:49

Thank you mamaleuh and everyone!

DD currently asleep on my shoulder and daren't move for dear of waking her. Don't want to be crying at her poor thing! The house is a bit of a tip so I could definitely tidy a bit which would make me feel better but hard to do it with DD asleep on me...

OP posts:

ShirazSavedMySanity · 03/05/2013 12:52

You are not failing her at all. She is 8 weeks old. All she knows is hunger, tiredness and dirty nappies. As long as you're there, she's fine.

Get out in the fresh air this afternoon, a walk will enable a change of scenery from the dreariness of the same four walls.
Or is there a childrens centre nearby you could have a see if there is a stay and play on, just something to get you out of the house.
Even a walk to the supermarket and a sit in the cafe with a cup of tea will get you out of the house.

Is the house tidy? Can you make something for your evening meal which is quick and easy, therefore enabling you to rest when DH gets home and he can take over with DD?

I'd be looking at going to bed when she does tonight and trying to share the overnight childcare stuff as it is a 3 day weekend, so an opportunity for sleep catch up.

You're doing great

Sparklingbrook · 03/05/2013 12:52

Is the TV remote the other side of the room too?

afussyphase · 03/05/2013 12:56

Oh, I remember those days! Know that it will get better, much better, very soon. It's so hard. For now your baby is as happy as can be sleeping on you! 8 week old babies need milk, clean nappies, sleep and cuddles, and you don't have to sing and chat all day. You're doing a fabulous job, get some tea and biscuits and relax on the sofa all afternoon if you want to :)

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 03/05/2013 12:57

No indeed, the remote is right next to me! That's how bloody out of it I an, it hadnt even occurred to me that I could put the tv on...

I will tackle the evening meal in a bit if I can. I have been doing ok previously at breaking the day up into little chunks and tasks to fit around her (shaky) routine but today I just don't seem to know where to start

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 03/05/2013 12:57

Do you have a sling? Put DD in it right now. Make a sandwich/cup of coffee/long cold drink, add packet of biscuits under free arm and any other easily portable snack and go to bed. Straight away! Take delicious squishy 8 week old (congrats), snuggle up and don't attempt anything else. That worked for me. I breastfed though, so could feed to sleep (both her and me!) and not feel too guilty. Afternoon naps are the most restorative, don't you know?

No need to chat and sing and do a song and dance. You're not failing her. Your needs are extremely important. Just try to be for a little while. If she won't sleep again anytime soon, you can watch the light on the bedroom ceiling, give her nappy-free time and stroke her skin, rock her on your knees, play finger-counting or tickle games all from the comfort of your bed.

Then, about 3-4pm, you can get up and go for a wander to the local shops/park etc, buy yourself an ice cream/coffee/whatever your poison, and hope she sleeps again in the pram while you enjoy the late afternoon sun.

Text your DH whilst you're in bed and say, I'm sorry we rowed, I'm really tired but I'm looking forward to seeing you this evening. Spread a little love his way (even if perhaps you are not feeling it due to row) and if he is indeed a good 'un you will get it back tonight, hopefully in the form of takeaway/early night/taking baby while you have a bath/ etc.

This will be of no comfort to you, as it wouldn't have been to me at the same stage of DC1's life, but I would dearly love to have one afternoon like that again, just to smell their little head and snuggle down. You gave birth a very short time ago. You should not be attempting anything much at all. Try to enjoy this moment if you can.

DublinMammy · 03/05/2013 12:57

Get into bed with her for a while, I find just being horizontal even if not asleep really helps. Also a cup of tea , although hard to drink while lying down. You are doing great, it's very tough in the first weeks and a row with your OH doesn't help. Plan on getting a takeaway tonight and go easy on yourself this afternoon.

Tryharder · 03/05/2013 12:58

Are you breast feeding? If so, I would go and lie down on your side on your bed, breast exposed with her next to you and doze/listen to the radio so she too can help herself to milk and nap intermittently.

Win-win

I wouldn't fret about the not singing etc.

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 03/05/2013 12:58

Thanks afussyphase. I have just got it into my head that if I am not fabulously entertaining her in some way that she is bored and fed up with me :(

OP posts:

MousyMouse · 03/05/2013 12:58

park is great.
and if she falls asleep there lie down next to the pushchair.
take a blanket and snacks/drinks.
as soon as dh is back through the door, hand him the baby and go to bed. tell him to order a takeaway or take bany in pram to the chip shop.

DublinMammy · 03/05/2013 12:59

Squirrels put it much better!

IllegalYoniFarm · 03/05/2013 13:00

Awww, nosquirrell, thats great advice :)

putyourhatonsweetie · 03/05/2013 13:00

I was there once. Rubbish isn't it?

While everyone is different I found that the best thing was getting out of my own head for a bit (no, not by hitting the gin!) so a walk in the park didn't cut it as I still had to take myself with me iykwim. I really needed external stimulation - so a walk round the shops, coffee with someone (though I realise you have said your friends live far away, anyone you can Skype with a homemade posh coffee and fake it?) or even just watching a film. Anything really that took me out of myself for a bit and enabled a conversation with dh that wasn't about how miserable I was

Yes interacting with baby is best, sure but as others have said on days like today clean bottom and full tummy is definitely good enough.

Fakebook · 03/05/2013 13:03

Try to eat something and then go to sleep with her and leave the tidying. I hate those first few months with a out of routine baby. I always tried to eat and sleep when my babies slept. I did tidying and other things when they were awake and I was rested. I used to plonk them in the middle of the room and watching me walk around used to be enough entertainment!

mameulah · 03/05/2013 13:04

I agree with Shiraz, get yourself to the supermarket to get something super easy for tea, it will get you and out and make the evening easier for you and your dh too.

Also, don't expect yourself to manage a proper tidy up. I just wrote about this on another thread, but when I am not coping I make myself put/sort ten things. Like fold the washing, (ONE) do the dishes (TWO) empty the bin (THREE) put on another load of washing (FOUR) make the bed (FIVE)...

If I am really not coping I would count folding ten bits of washing...

It probably makes me sound mad but honestly I either forget to count because I have managed to get focused or I at least get ten things done.

Buy, one of those take away Indian meals for dinner tonight.

Buy a chicken, some stick in the oven potatoes from the fresh aisle and some a prepared salad for dinner tomorrow.

Buy yourself some bubble bath, a new magazine and some chocolate.

Buy some more milk.

Go home and be delighted with yourself. You are sorted now until Sunday. (Apart from 10 tidy up jobs)

And the whole way round the supermarket everyone will admire your baby!!!

putyourhatonsweetie · 03/05/2013 13:07

Just also recalling the most dreadful day when dd1 was around 8 weeks and cried all afternoon. stopped the minute bil walked in and picked her up ....and then I started and cried for the evening. 7 years ago and I can remember feeling so utterly useless. But I'm not and neither are you.

It really is hard some days. thinking of you

mameulah · 03/05/2013 13:08

What nosquirrel said.

Also,I used to say (regularly) to my dh 'I am sorry, I have NO resilience.'

IllegalYoniFarm · 03/05/2013 13:08

Mameulah great advice, this thread is lovely :)

OP some fantastic advice here, scoop her up and go out in the fresh air, its amazing what a difference it makes

Original poster

emeraldgirl1 · 03/05/2013 13:09

Thanks so much everyone. I do know I am being a bit of a wet weekend. I think I feel a bit more rubbish as have managed a few good days recently and think I have worn myself out a bit in the process as am a bit of a stupid perfectionist and need to be feeling like am being a lovely jolly Mary poppins of a mother or I am no good.

OP posts:

putyourhatonsweetie · 03/05/2013 13:14

chin up, your last post is more evidence of what an utterly marvellous mother you are!

And seeing as you mentioned her....what would mary do? She tell you to start gallivanting round like a kangaroo, or fly a kite, though to be honest given the portrayal of the suffragettes in the movie you should probably bugger what Mary would do and go to bed with the baby, a crossword and three packets of hobnobs

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