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To phone the police on my brother?

30 replies

HotCrossPun · 01/05/2013 18:54

Bit of background - I have a DB and DS who live with my parents. They are of similar age (late teens.)

My brother is over 6 foot, he is generally lovely, really polite, good fun and kind.

However, over the last 6 months my sister has alerted me to a number of incidents where he has hit her after an argument.

She phoned me in tears a few months ago because of it and then a few days ago she showed me a picture on her phone of her bruised legs after he had hit her again.

It would take an age to explain the dynamic of our family, but basically my parents don't have that 'care' gene that most parents do.

They are especially hard on my sister. If her and my brother have an argument and she tries to tell my mum or dad was has happened she is accused of being 'hysterical' and is often punished anyway.

When I saw the picture of her legs I was shocked and so angry, she must have about 20 different bruises all up her legs, all quite big.

IMO my parents are at fault. They take no part in raising my little brother and sister, they have to work out all conflicts themselves. As such, my brother is getting angry, lashing out, and then there is no consequences for his behaviour so he keeps on doing it.

WIBU to phone the non-emergency number the next time something like this happens? It would cause major ructions in the family, and my parents would no doubt place most of the blame on my sister and then punish her afterwards. But what is the alternative?

OP posts:

Justforlaughs · 01/05/2013 18:56

How old is your sister, if she is a child I would involve SS and if she is older encourage her to move out.


Merlini · 01/05/2013 18:57

How old is your sister? Is there any chance she could stay with you for a while? What a horrid situation.


HollyBerryBush · 01/05/2013 18:58

How old are they?

Six foot is anything from 12yo these days


foslady · 01/05/2013 18:58

Your sister is being assaulted, would you stand by if it was a stranger in the street doing this? Didn't think you would. By not reporting this you are enabling your brother - and I fear for the person who gets involved with him.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but who do you want to protect, db or ds?


SugarMiceInTheRain · 01/05/2013 18:59

FWIW I'd be tempted to (anonymously) call Social Services as your siblings are teens. Is there any way your sister could live with you? But YWNBU to phone the police on your brother. It is physical assault and if he did this to any other girl your sister's age, her parents would (rightly) phone the police. Why is it any more acceptable to physically abuse his sister? :( Shock


quoteunquote · 01/05/2013 19:00

There are always two sides to every story, Is she hitting him?

What age are they?


SugarMiceInTheRain · 01/05/2013 19:00

Sorry cross posted with others saying the same as me. I think you need to make some difficult calls HotCrossPun


Wholetthedogin · 01/05/2013 19:00

yes. report. It's assault.


XiCi · 01/05/2013 19:01

Is there any way your sister could stay with you for a while? It sounds horrendous for her.


quoteunquote · 01/05/2013 19:04 It's assault

It may well be, but it also may be done in defence from being hit.

you don't know, so the OP needs to talk to both siblings.


ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/05/2013 19:07

If your sister still lives there - do you think things will be better or worse for her after a visit from the police?

Can you help her to find somewhere else to live?


sukysue · 01/05/2013 19:09

I dunno I bet if you report him to the poice your sis will back him up . Find another way op and quickly.Good Luck.


DioneTheDiabolist · 01/05/2013 19:11

These are not defense injuries (they are on her legs). Your DS is the victim of domestic violence. If she is not yet an adult, please phone social services.Sad


HotCrossPun · 01/05/2013 19:14

Thanks for your replies.

My sister is going to University in September, so she will be moving out then.

My brother and sister get on, they are really close. Basically my mum and dad play them off against each other, constantly favoring one over the other. They did this with me and my other brothers when I was living in the house.

The reason this is so difficult is because I genuinely think that if they had been raised properly and given guidance on how to manage conflict (just normal sibling stuff) then this would never happen.

But then on the other hand, he is 16, fully grown, and capable of really hurting her.

She isn't pretending that she is an angel, if he hits her she will defend herself. The way that she has put it is that she doesn't want him to think that she is affected by the way he is acting.

OP posts:

HotCrossPun · 01/05/2013 19:17

Hecsy I know it will be worse. Her and my brother have a good relationship, she isn't walking around on eggshells in fear of him. But when these instances occur it's horrible for her not having the support of my parents.

If I phoned the police they would blank me (which I'm not bothered about) but they would make life hell for my little sister. They would do the token chat with my little brother, but then be passive aggressive, snide and nasty to my sister for a long time afterwards.

Outward perception is a big thing in my family, my mum has a well respected job. If the police came round she would be mortified, but I doubt it would change her behaviour other than to be cruel to my sister.

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 01/05/2013 19:20

Can you talk to your brother? Your sister is his victim now, but what about the future? Your parents are letting both your siblings down.


XiCi · 01/05/2013 19:23

In that case can't you talk to your brother, let him know how shocked you were at how much he'd hurt your sister and get his perspective on things


HotCrossPun · 01/05/2013 19:26

I can talk to him. I was thinking about telling him that even though there aren't any consequences for him at home, if he hits her once more I will personally phone the police.

But then all that will happen is he will tell my mum and dad that I've said that, and my little sister will get in trouble. That's why its such a frustrating situation.

OP posts:

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 01/05/2013 19:30

Can she stay with you until university?


HotCrossPun · 01/05/2013 19:35

I live quite far away from her, and she has a part time job, friends where she lives etc. I've told her that if it happens again she is to phone me and my DP will drive and pick her up straight away.

She is so conscious of making a fuss, so I doubt she would actually do that tbh.

When she is at Uni she will be living 5 minutes away from me, I just wish time would hurry along until then!

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 19:41

I'd sit him down and say that he can't lash out like that to his sister, that just because she's related to him won't stop the police being interested if she was to report the physical abuse. Say abuse - explain clearly that's what he's doing and that's how the rest of the world will see it, he's an abusive man. He can stop that now, or he can be the sort of man no woman will want anything to do with.

i'd also offer to have your sister until she starts Uni. It's only a few months with a clear end date. Really, if he goes too far and hurts her to a level she needs medical attention your brother is not going to be able to worm out of that. You need to teach your sister as well it's not ok for a man to hurt her, just because he's her brother. She needs to learn now that violence from someone who otherwise cares about you is just as bad, if not worse than someone who doesn't.


HotCrossPun · 01/05/2013 19:46

Great advice DontmindifIdo I'm going to talk to him. I'll try and do it in a way where hopefully he won't feel the need to involve my mum and dad. If he does though, and they start to give her a hard time, then I am just going to stop seeing them entirely. I've tried to keep a link of sorts with them over the years, but I can't support the way they are acting.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 19:51

you need to get through to him, hopefully scare him a little - you could point out it's violence in a domestic setting, ie domestic violence, that your mum and dad might still see him as a little boy, but at 16, the rest of the world will see a man hitting a woman he lives with, that she's his sister isn't going to stop him being seen as an abuser. Make it sound like you're telling him for his own good to give him a chance to change before someone outside the family notices. Say it would only take say, someone at your sister's 6th form to notice and he could find himself in a lot of trouble that you and your parents couldn't protect him from.


DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 19:54

It also might be worth thinking if it would help to hear it from say your DH rather than you, prehaps a "man to man" talk would have more effect than his sister. (would depend on your relationship with him)


sicutlilium · 01/05/2013 19:57

OP - does your sister have access to a counsellor at her sixth form? A non-family member might help to give perspective. I am not suggesting that you lack perspective, obviously, but that your teenage sister may not be able to see, or feel free to act beyond the confines of the family.

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