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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sensitive issue...

24 replies

OaktreeandMe · 01/05/2013 16:36

Is it wrong to be hurt/upset when your partner masturbates? If it is done instead of having sex with your partner?

Can't help but feel hurt when it happens and hate being lied to when he pretends he hasn't done it. I want to be priority over porn and 'wanking'. Why do I feel like i'm not enough when I know this behaviour is normal for men?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2013 16:39

I couldn't give a tiny shite about waking. Porn is different.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2013 16:40

That would be wanking. Why is it instead of sex with you?

HandMini · 01/05/2013 16:41

It may well not be "instead of sex with you". Having sex and masturbating are two very different things...sometimes I want one, sometimes the other.

EuroShaggleton · 01/05/2013 16:42

Well it wouldn't bother me at all.

MrsWolowitz · 01/05/2013 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

OaktreeandMe · 01/05/2013 16:43

That's my concern MissTerryPratchett. Why instead of sex with me?

OP posts:

thebody · 01/05/2013 16:47

If he is always wanking instead of having sex with you then that's concerning.

If he needs porn to come and can't with u then that's concerning.

But if its now and again or as well as sex with you then that seems fine.

Why does he lie about it? Is he worried?

CloudsAndTrees · 01/05/2013 16:47

There's nothing wrong with it if he can do it when he wants an still maintain a healthy sexual relationship with you. But if wanking and porn really is more important or enjoyable to him than having sex with his wife, then I would suggest that there is more than just this one issue going on.

Him lying about it is wrong, but understandable if he knows that the truth will result in a row when technically he's oing nothing wrong.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 01/05/2013 17:01

It's an entirely different pleasure to sex. It's based on self gratification alone...sex entails thinking about someone else..ie you. Not everyone wants that ALL the time. He's entitled to wank...porn...not fond of that myself. But it is a separate issue.

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 17:05

I don't know who does it more me or DH

McNewPants2013 · 01/05/2013 17:37

Have you spoken about it to your DP

Chewmebush · 01/05/2013 18:08

I don't agree with pornography in any context. Wanking in addition to sex I think is acceptable. Instead of is definitely an issue. Is this the case OP?

HollyBerryBush · 01/05/2013 18:12

Wouldnt bother me one iota.

We only view porn together

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 01/05/2013 19:33

When you say instead of sex do you mean you don't have much of a sex life? Because that's an issue with or without wanking. Masturbation in addition to sex with a partner (not instead of) is fine.

squoosh · 01/05/2013 19:36

Wanking is fine and healthy but I'm assuming from what you write that your sex life is lacking? Not so healthy.

Do you cross examine him as to his mastubatory habits?

TidyDancer · 01/05/2013 19:54

This wouldn't bother me at all.

It's surely up to your DH what he does with his own body, isn't it?

Original poster

OaktreeandMe · 02/05/2013 01:36

I have spoken to him about it. I think the problem is that he is too tired at night time. And he gets home early afternoon (before me) and satisfies himself so that at night he wouldn't really have a desire for anything because it's already been met.

This is why it makes me angry. Not enough effort is put into us. If I dont initiate sex or ask for it then it literally will never happen. That's not fair, I don't want to have to beg for it. That definitely lowers the self esteem!!

OP posts:

maddening · 02/05/2013 06:20

he needs to hold out for you - he could get home and have a nap then be rearing to go at bedtime - doesn't have to be every day obviously.

Fairylea · 02/05/2013 09:19

Sex and masturbation are entirely different. Masturbation is like a self massage really, it destresses you and can help you sleep! It doesn't have the same feelings as having sex or require the same energy levels.

Both dh and I masturbate sometimes, we don't discuss it really apart from occasionally we might laugh about it and tease each other playfully ("you're such a wanker!"- all banter).

It doesn't bother either of us at all but we do have regular sex too. It hasn't replaced sex.

maddening · 02/05/2013 09:56

Ps I don't have any problem with masturbation but if his post work wank is impacting your sex life it wouldn't hurt for him to hold off till bedtime a couple of times a week :)

SanitaryOwl · 02/05/2013 10:47

Yes, YABU to be upset about wanking generally - but if he's wanking instead of having sex (as opposed to as well) then it's probably a sign of something. You really do need to talk to him about this.

Groovee · 02/05/2013 10:59

I don't have an issue with wanking. Sometimes I'm asleep and dh is horny and needs to relieve himself.

I would have an issue if he wasn't making time for me. Do you get time alone with no one else about or could you consider morning sex? I went through a stage of waking dh up at 4am for a shag! Was a nice start to the day.

DionFortune · 02/05/2013 11:05

If he is choosing porn over sex you have a problem.

Chewmebush · 02/05/2013 11:54

Agree with maddening. Have a chat with him about holding off for you. It's not nice to be made to feel like a sex pest and your self esteem is worth more than that.

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