Am I being an unreasonable cow? More of a rant!

[Thingiebob]

There are quite a few families with children living over the road from me on our development. One family are pleasant and distantly friendly with five kids of varying ages who come over to play with my 3 yr old. The kids range from 5 to 10.

Until now this has been fine. I don't mind then in my house/ garden, they play nicely with my DD and are good kids in general. Lately, however it has become more of a struggle because I am heavily pregnant, due in two days, and don't feel great. When they come over, it tends to be impromptu around 4.30-5pm, they require supervision, often want me to 'play' with them and lately have started asking for food and drink. They don't go home when they say will, don't leave when asked nicely and are becoming quite demanding in terms of activities. They exhaust me.

They also tell me their mum tells them to come over for an hour or so as she needs to get housework done or needs a break. It is starting to piss me off as she KNOWS I am near my due date as I physically walked them over the road the other day and told her I was having pains and needed the kids to go home. She was nice about it but tbf I don't think she has a huge amount of control over them. Added to the fact I really really don't want anyone in the house at the moment. It's possibly to do with pregnancy but I feel really funny about my personal space. I don't even want relatives visiting me at the mo. I just want downtime with my DH and daughter and to get the place ready for our new arrival. I actually feel a bit violated and angry when the kids run all over the house dragging out toys and so on whereas in the past this didn't bother me.

I am finding it hard to say no. They jump on me as soon as I leave the house, ring on the doorbell repeatedly, and look upset when I say no. My dd also gets upset. Even worse another family over the road has started. The oldest two girls, again only 7 and 11, keep knocking wanting to come in. They harder to handle as not greatly well behaved and can be quite cheeky. When I said no the other day, they just sat outside my front door and 'waited'... I feel quite crowded and hounded all of a sudden.

I am being hugely pathetic I know, but I need to know if I am being unreasonable in not letting them in my house for at least a few weeks, and if not, how to explain it to them firmly and kindly.

Switch the door bell off (if they ring the doorbell) and remove the knocker. If asked why say "because of the baby". If you can't hear them then you can't let them in.

Am dreading how they will react when baby arrives. They are already talking about coming to see the baby, holding him, feeding him and so on. I don't want to dampen their excitement but at the same time I can't face the repeated ringing and hammering on the door!

To complicate matters I am pretty sure one set of parents don't like me. There is an odd divide in the development between social housing and home owners. I hate it but I think the mum has lumped in with some of the more unpleasant residents who have been quite prejudiced towards the families who live in housing assoc properties. I had her hammer on my door one eve demanding to know where her daughter was, I didn't know and always make sure the kids tell their parents where they are.

I'm afraid you need stop over complicating the situation and just say no. I'm sorry but I don't really see why you are worrying about when the baby arrives - it is your house you know!?

Just say no! As above, it is your house. You don't have to let them in and if you do, you can kick them out when you like. You are the adult here!

I don't mean this unkindly, you are about to give birth and have enough on. But you can do it and you will feel so much better once you've taken a stand. There's no need for acrimony, just a firm 'no, not today'. Surely these children should be making friends with their own age group anyway?

Bobyan I probably am overcomplicating things due to anxiety about lack of sleep when the baby arrives.

The kids do have friends their own age, but I notice they often drag their friends over with them when they knock on my door.

Anyway - I have been firm with a five year old this evening, who saw me bringing my little girl back from nursery and bolted over and asked to come in my house to play. I said 'No, not today' and left it at that. I got the 'why?' question a zillion times and she also just walked in the house anyway! I did manage to get her to go though!

Thank you all for your advice.

But she could have only got inside your house if you opened the door...
You need to start being more assertive, or your going to be stressed out with this continuing after the baby arrives.

I think you're treating these children like adults who've shouldered their way into your home, and you're at a loss as to how to react. Remember that they're children who haven't yet learnt the social rules. It is okay to teach them. Don't be afraid to explain, nicely, that certain behaviour is rude. "We don't walk into other people's houses do we? We wait to be invited. Out you go". Or "If someone doesn't invite you into their home, it is quite rude to ask why. Goodbye". Another useful one is "Sometimes families like to be alone".

When the baby comes, you need a big sign for your door that says "Shhhh! New baby! Do not knock or ring. Creep quietly down the path and go away".

YY big sign!

Put a stop (or at least a control) on it before the baby arrives.

My DS friends constantly knock at the door at the weekend to play.

Sometimes it's ok, sometimes it's not.

I just smile and say its lovely to see you but DS can't play today, we have family plans.

No drama or fallouts, but an expectation that a knock on the door isn't 2/3 hours of playtime guaranteed.

I favour the sign approach.

THIS HOUSE IS CLOSED TO ALL CHILDREN UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE
DO NOT KNOCK
DO NOT RING
DO NOT SHOUT THROUGH MY LETTER BOX
PEACE AND QUIET REQUIRED

We moved from a quiet street to a billy no mates busier one as I couldn't stand this situation. Parents just take the piss.

Stand firm OP and good luck!

Bobyan

I didn't open the door as such. The little girl walked in behind me as I was entering my house.

I do wonder if I have been too relaxed up until now regarding this stuff and to suddenly change the rules might be quite harsh and confusing for them. Most of the time they are polite, always ask if they can come in, if they can play with certain toys/use the loo/say please and thank you and so on but I have noticed a slight change in behaviour recently.

I don't know if it because I have become a bit spaced out due to pregnancy or if they have become too relaxed in my house. They've started asking for food and drink all the time which is not always convenient as I am not rolling in money! I do say 'No' but I just wonder if they are starting to push boundaries a bit. If they see something they like in the kitchen they will immediately ask for it, it doesn't necessarily have to be food, even my daughter's toys which I do find a bit odd. I've noticed they ALL do this regardless of age and what family they come from. Obviously I say no.

Anyway, 'family plans' is a good way of putting it. Further useful tips thank you everyone!

And yes - they have friends their own age but they are not always around. It is a large development and the kids all have younger siblings so they are quite used to playing with younger children. They are actually very good at playing with my DD, very inclusive, gentle and respectful with her. I am not ready for her to play outside the front with them though unless I am supervising hence them often coming in the house.

This is all new to me as well as this is my only DD and the first time we have lived on this kind of development. In the past it has just been me and DH. Perhaps I don't know the rules. I am happy for them to come in and play, or play in back garden as long as they run over and tell their parents where they are. Parents obv happy as well. They really are just opposite so not far away.

I am happy for them to borrow toys as well e.g they used DDs sled when it was snowing as she wasn't using it. They have always returned items well cared for and said thank you. Other neighbours have told me I am mad.

I just wonder if perhaps I have taken it a bit too far.

Honestly, just say no

We have a lot of kids here, 7 out of the 8 houses have at 2 kids in and my house is regularly overrun. When I've had enough, I kick them all out, if I don't want them in I just say no. No reasons, no explanations. Once you've done it a couple of times they'll know you mean business

They can be cheeky and if I give an inch, they take a mile - moans of 'I'm hungry' are met with 'I'm sure your mum has food at your house'

You need to get this sorted now-it sounds awful. Next time someone comes round-I'd say, right-I need to come with you and speak to your mum. Then take them straight home and explain to the mum that you're about to pop and trying to rest and don't want any children knocking any more. If her children want company, say you'd be delighted for your DD to play at her house (if you are)
At the moment, you're a free, happy play centre that doesn't turn anyone away and gives out free food and drink. Why should they stop?

Man up!

This is all new to me as well as this is my only DD and the first time we have lived on this kind of development. In the past it has just been me and DH. Perhaps I don't know the rules.

OP there are no rules only the ones you make and even then yuou cans change to suit YOU. It doesnt matter if they wander in and out of others houses, if YOU dont want that then it doesn't happen. You are allowing the children to dictate and YOU need to take back control. It doesnt mean you suddenly have to appear to be 'mean' just setting bounderies.

I would tell them you will not be having an open house from now on due to the baby, use this time to re-ajust the bounderies

I definitely need to man up, but the way I am feeling I want to just curl up in a comfy dark corner on my own!

I used to be assertive with them but lately have become a pushover. I think they sense this. They can smell weakness!

I'm not that happy with DD playing at their houses for various reasons and I don't think parents would be either. I think they get 'kicked out' to play for a set amount of time so parents can catch up on housework or have some downtime. As some of them don't have gardens, (who builds brand new family social housing and provides no garden or play area?!) it is out on the street. I dimly remember this when I was a child.

Thanks again all.

Sorry - I only asked if you had the mum's number as you being heavily pg and subsequently busy with newborn that might make it easier - if they are refusing to go and repeatedly pressing the door bell then calling the mother and saying "sorry but your children won't leave please come and get them" might help.

Feeling for you!
Open door a crack holding your keys (invade it closes)
Bend down to their level.
Say, "No more play dates in this house.".
Whatever the children say to you (eg "But we..."), repeat several times, slowly and very clearly: "No more play dates in this house.".
Open door. Go in - alone (with DD).
No explanations.
No guilt (please).
The mothers surely know that they're using you as a free babysitter and that you're heavily pregnant? How bloody selfish! Let them look after their own children.
I'd only have children in my house if the parent had asked me to and I wanted to/ was able to.
This is precious time for you and your DD. you also need to rest - and to be firm enough to make sure that they get the message clearly ASAP otherwise your baby's naps, etc. will be disturbed!
Please don't take on responsibility for the children's difficulties, either.
You most look after yourself! This isn't selfish of you - honestly.

Invade = incase
Most = must

You need to stop being a pushover. Why are you so worried of being seen to hurt these childrens feelings? Simply say no. Be firm. These are children and you are the adult!

I do think they will push you and push you to see what they can get away with until you take a very firm stance. Summers coming.. kids push to see what they can get away with weather it be longer playtimes or food from your kitchen ect. Give them an inch they will take a mile. Now is the perfect time to do it as you have the excuse of the baby.. people will understand why. And if you are firm with them.. maybe they might have a bit more respect for you in the long run and follow your instructions?

Its your house and your space. Dont be afraid to stand your ground. You can be firm and consistent without being nasty and they should have more respect for you/ your family and your property in the long run for doing so. Best of luck!!

I don't understand why you don't tell them to do one?

I really feel for you. This is a tough one.

Children can sense weakness, as an ex teacher I know this all too well, if you are a little bit ill or slightly inconsistent then they will pounce on you.

These kids sound like they are sweet and want to be at your house because you provide a lovely environment for them to play in, but that is not your responsibility. You must stand firm and I know how tiring that is, especially when you are pregnant but it's for the good of you and your baby.

These children will respect your boundaries if you make them clear and use a firm but friendly tone. Don't worry about disappointing them, worry more about the first 3 months with baby, when baby needs sleep and when you need rest, also play time with your DD will much more important for the 2 of you, you won't want gatecrashers.

Set the boundaries now, make it clear what you want and you will find very quickly that the children will stop being a nuisance to you. Good luck!!

I don't tell them to 'do one' because I want to maintain friendly relations!

Well obviously you phrase it more nicely than that! A firm but polite "No" would do instead.