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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

SIL drama, please help me get perspective

58 replies

Ginformation · 01/05/2013 14:16

I have met BIL and SIL only a couple of times. DH and I visited them (on another continent) had a great time and some laughs. The last time we met is on our wedding day 3yrs ago. It did not go well.

SIL was upset that we had coincidentally chosen her wedding anniversary to get married. They had eloped years before I met dh, it upset the family at the time. Anyway, SIL asked if we could change the date. I emailed SIL to say what a coincidence! but sorry all had been arranged. We heard nothing else & were very pleased when they accepted the invite.

At our wedding SIL was rude to my parents and openly critical about the day. She got annoyed with BIL for talking to other wedding guests (his old mates he had not seen for years) instead of talking to her all night. We were oblivious to it at the time tbh, too pissed busy having a boogie! Other guests told us later.

The next day she refused to talk to us. Later dh spoke to BIL who said SIL had never liked me, she had found me offensive when we stayed with them . She then wrote a ranting FB post: it was terrible what we had done to her re wedding date and horrid things about DH. DH's family were supportive to me. I blocked her from FB and moved on. It upset me that DH was not speaking to his db- they have since started to email each other again.

Now they are coming over to visit. I cannot decide what to do. DH says I shouldn't meet up with SIL. MIL has already suggested a big get-together but DH vetoed this immediately. The thing is, DS has never met his aunt and uncle (they have no dc). I want to set ds a good example. But a little part of me is still fuming. I could certainly control myself and act civilly, but it will be upsetting.

If you have read this far , and AIBU to want to not meet up? or should I? argh, can't decide! If I don't go then DH will visit with DS but I feel weird about not being there. Please help me get some perspective.

OP posts:

JackieTheFart · 01/05/2013 17:32

So DS hasn't met his aunt and uncle - so what? In what way would his life be enriched by meeting them?

On the other hand, how would your life be made harder by meeting them?

Don't go.

greenformica · 01/05/2013 17:33

Don't bother.

I have offensive and nasty BIL and i give him a wide birth. I'm very happy with this.

nancy75 · 01/05/2013 17:39

How would your pils feel if you don't go? You said they were supportive of you, maybe you could go to the gathering for their sake rather than for your sil. I think a big do would be easier than a smaller meetup

cocolepew · 01/05/2013 17:41

Don't bother she isn't worth it.

Even if you did know it was her anniversary, so what? She hasn't got dibs on that date for life.

Original poster

Ginformation · 01/05/2013 17:49

seriouscake it isn't going to be a party in their honour/reunion, just a meal at a pub with less than 10 people there.

Re the wedding date issue, we checked when key people were on holiday but otherwise sorted it out ourselves. It wasn't one of those years in the planning, poem on the invite weddings. I didn't even have a proper wedding dress (I prioritised the food and drink budget). What was important to us was getting married, not the wedding. We are a bit vague about our anniversary date already!

OP posts:

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 17:53

gin would they be having this little get together, if they wasn't coming? Just leave them to it, Let your MIL enjoy them with out there being the hint of an atmosphere.

Did your MIL not even know when the date was??

Original poster

Ginformation · 01/05/2013 17:56

nancy yes I think I would be going for my pil's sake. I have no illusions that sil wants a reconciliation, she is classic narc. If I went I would be cool and polite to her but not deliberately engage her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginformation · 01/05/2013 18:00

Mil wants us all to get together. Bil and sil usually stay with pils so they will have plenty of time together. The whole point of this meeting is for me, dh and ds to get together with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ginformation · 01/05/2013 18:03

Yes, mil knew the date, but we only told mil the date after we booked it! We were very limited on date options booking only a few months in advance.

OP posts:

ipswitch · 01/05/2013 18:09

Difficult, I have an SIL I dont get on with ( cant stand her evil and pretentious ways) however she has managed to damage my relationship with my DB beyond repair which saddens me. I cant have a relationship with DB unless I tolerate her ways and rules. It stinks, but I sort of think you need to go for the sake of your DH and his relationship with brother. You don't need to like her, and probably never will, but you also probably don't want your DH to somehow blame you ( at some point in the future) for damaging his relationship with his BD.

YellowTulips · 01/05/2013 18:14

Does your DH know more than you do about the extent of SIL's vitriol towards you?

I don't think YABU but I would maybe dig a bit deeper.

All this type of shit drives me mad btw. You can't copyright a day of the year FFS!!

seriouscakeeater · 01/05/2013 18:16

Dh dosnt want it though, he is all ready talking to db. Speak to sil before meal to try sort it out other wise if you can't do that there is no point.

Two adult women not speaking pretending to be civil is hideous and oppressive. My kind of nightmare!

DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 18:18

Is it BIL is DH's DB or SIL is his sister? Because if it's that BIL is DH's DB, I think you have to go and show united front.

Right now, you have hte moral high ground in your DH's family, you aren't the 'difficult' DIL, best not to sacrifice that.

I think a family get together - rather than just you and DH and BIL & SIL would be best, and you can avoid talking to her if there's 10 or so people. If you can get more even better, you can just chat to everyone else and be polite to cowbag SIL.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 01/05/2013 18:21

gah people are precious over their wedding dates, aren't they? I barely remember our anniversary when it comes around, much less begrudge other people using that date for something else. What does she think, the entire family should sit around reverently every year, celebrating her union?

Even if she were reasonable in her irritation over the date thing, she definitely lost the plot by arguing and spreading such nastiness about you between her DH and yours. She sounds very immature.

I wouldn't go out of my way to see this person.

Original poster

Ginformation · 01/05/2013 18:40

don'tmind bil is dh's db. I no longer have any siblings so I was keen for dh to mend his relationship with his db. Dh is still waiting for an apology from him, I don't think one will come given the extent of sils control over him. The communication between the brothers is somewhat limited.

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 01/05/2013 18:41

If my husband and son were going to a family get together, I would not agree to exclude myself because somebody else had a problem with me.

nancy75 · 01/05/2013 19:40

I think you should just plaster on a fake smile and all go to the party. If sil starts trouble you look like the lovely dil and she looks like a cow in front of all the family. Kill her with kindness!

DontmindifIdo · 01/05/2013 19:45

yes, here's hoping she throws some sort of hissy fit while she's over and you get to be all sympathetic with MIL and bask in being the lovely one again for a few months after she's left (and milk it for a few babysitting for date nights, can't have their DS losing you and then ending up with another nightmare DIL can they? )

BoundandRebound · 01/05/2013 19:47

I'd go and rise above it. Smile be pleasant remember in your head that she's an immature bitch from hell and you aren't.

You are happily married with a gorgeous son and the support of your extended family and she, quite clearly, isn't

If she says anything just say "oh dear " and carry on smiling..

You don't need her approval

PurpleSwift · 01/05/2013 19:50

I don't think YABU in not wanting to bother, but, i probably would anyway. You can't avoid her forever and it might clear the air a little.

TerrysAllGold · 01/05/2013 19:55

I wouldn't go. Life's too short to be wasting it on people you've no real desire to be with.

Springforward · 01/05/2013 20:01

I have no idea why anyone would take offence at someone getting married on the anniversary of their own wedding.

I think I'd be uncomfortable at the idea of my DS going somewhere I wasn't welcome myself, TBH.

tomatoplantproject · 01/05/2013 20:03

Kill her with kindness. She won't have a clue how to react. Pretend she is one of your favourite people. You get the upper hand by behaving really well, you will earn brownie points with pil and your dh will get to spend some time with his db.

CombineBananaFister · 01/05/2013 20:48

I'm not sure going and being all civil/polite/killing with kindness is taking the moral highground tbh, especially if you're pretty sure there will be tension. It will just make it really uneasy for everyoneelse if it's cold or fake and even though that is not down to you, you can do something about it by being gracious and staying at home.
To me that would be the moral highground as you'd be allowing someone you dislike and who's at fault to catch up with people they rarely see even if you miss out. It's tough but being morally superior often is .
Plus you could contact sil and bil and say that even though you won't be going to shindig they would be very welcome to come and visit your Ds at some point as he'd love to see his aunt and uncle - the emphasis is on them to make the effort then.
stephaniepowers I am going to take a leaf out of your book, I feel this way constantly so am going to do something about it now. Your post made me chuckle even if it wasn't meant to. Thanks!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/05/2013 21:09

Ginformation, I've pulled out a couple of things you've posted here, because I think, taken in combination, they made my mind up over what I would do in your shoes.

"MIL has already suggested a big get-together but DH vetoed this immediately."

" The whole point of this meeting is for me, dh and ds to get together with them."

"I was keen for dh to mend his relationship with his db. Dh is still waiting for an apology from him, I don't think one will come given the extent of sils control over him. The communication between the brothers is somewhat limited."

So, this all tells me that the meeting is instigated by your MIL, who wants everyone to get on and is, really, trying to force that state of affairs into being. Your BIL & SIL have not asked to see you. They probably don't relish this meeting either.

If it were me (and I appreciate that it isn't), I would either by asking my DH to persuade his mother that the whole thing is A BAD IDEA that should be quietly dropped, or, if my relationship with her was good enough, persuade her myself. BIL & SIL are undoubtedly as resentful of being dragooned as you are; that is going to make this meal a very, very uncomfortable occasion for all. I honestly think it should be pointed out to your MIL that it is likely to make things worse, not better; and that if she really wants her sons to get on better, this is not the way to achieve it.

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