Help, I think my oldest friend had just 'dropped' me!

[Thurlow]

I've posted about this before if it sounds familiar, as I've been having difficulties with this friend for a while now that I haven't known how to react to.

We've been friends since we were kids, now in our early 30s. For most of our 20s we lived pretty near each other and were able to see each other every few weeks. 18 months ago I moved away, so we're now in counties opposite sides of London. I had DD (DC1) 15 months ago, friend doesn't have any DC. I'm now back at work f/t, DP works shifts, we don't have family on the doorstep to babysit, so I've been struggling to find time to see my friend. I'm trying my best but it's so rare that DP is around evening, night and morning so I can go and stay at my friend's. I have mentioned that I could come down with DD and stay at hers as a fix but she's not keen (fair enough, not everyone wants kids in their house). Her job makes it difficult for her to come in to London of an evening for dinner/drinks, which would be easier for me to arrange. Over the past year, I've made it to my friend's once, she's been up to mine a couple of times. I know she dislikes the fact that DD is around when she comes over, and that we generally have to stay in rather than go out for a meal etc. We also struggle to find time to talk on the phone as she tends to go to bed (early!) about the time I've got DD down. I'd love to catch up more and see her more, but logistically it's just a challenge.

Friend came up on Saturday - had a few hours with DD around, she went to bed, we had dinner and stayed up late chatting. All good, I thought. But I've just got a letter (a letter!) from her saying that she's been feeling for a while that I just don't have the time for her any more, and she resents the fact she is making all the effort (I thought Saturday was a joint effort, she drove to me but I did invite her up if she was free, she didn't invite herself up iyswim) and that everything has to be done with DD - and as I "obviously don't have time for her anymore" she "takes the hint" and thinks we should stop seeing each other.

I don't know how to respond! WIBU not to respond? Part of me doesn't want to! I've tried to be honest with her and explain it's not because I don't want to see her, it's just so difficult to arrange at the moment. Or should I reply and tell her again I do want to be friends? God, it all feels so childish for our early 30s, but she has been a great friend over the years, I don't really want to lose her - but why press it if she has a low opinion of me?

So, AIBU to ignore her, or AIBU to keep plugging away?

Well we all feel like that when friends have DCs - FGS, I have a DS (now 7) and I have had all these sort of feelings about another friend who has just had a baby. The difference between me and your friend however is that I give myself a slap round the chops, remind myself that friend is now responsible for a tiny person and tell myself that life is change.

Writing a letter is the height of self-obsessed behaviour IMO. But if you do still want to be friends with her, tell her so. But you also have to be honest about the terms, I think.

I wouldn't want to save the friendship, clearly it isn't going to weather the storms if she's upset you can't see her more than 3x in a year after you have birth 15 months ago, work full-time yourself and have a partner working shifts. You can't help that you are working ft, tired and exhausted and have no on tap babysitter.

So- what if you have another child, what if you move further away? She's being really childish and petulant herself, I wouldn't try to save the friendship. Even my friends who have no children don't write letters like this and are rather busy themselves, we all accept we can't be meeting up for drinks once every two weeks, all our lives have moved on, not just mine. But they are busy with hobbies, travelling, careers and their own partners so they don't take it out on me that I am less available.

it's up to you of course, but if you try to repair, she's still not supportive of you and she doesn't like your dd, that's not really a great friendship in my book.

I don't get this attitude at all....it's all a bit (or rather, very) me, me, me.

Even in my twenties, when some good friends had children, I pitched in and enjoyed spending time with them. Sometimes I'd visit and spend more time with the kids than with the adults.

I think a brief, factual letter back is in order, and leave it up to her.

Do you think maybe she just doesn't want to be friends with you anymore, but doesn't have the guts to say it so is tryingB2B to make you feel like it's your fault op?

Ridiculous on her part imo.

If she wanted to see you, then being at yours with your child/husband would be enough!

Oh and hello-you work f/t, have a child & your partner works shifts, distance (I'm assuming means that you can't just pop to hers after work)-you actually don't have time for her!

B2B??

I mean you can't promise to do better or see her more, you don't have time! So, what will change if you beg her to give you another chance?

I feel like I've run out of ways to explain to her that I just don't have the time. Sometimes it is frustrating that it's acceptable that she can't manage to come in to town after work, but it's not acceptable that I can't manage to come down to hers. Her almost obsession with me staying at hers is starting to get a little strange. I try and make up for the fact that she has spent time and money coming to mine by getting the dinner and the wine in, for example.

We've been friends for so long that I would hate to lose the friendship, but then again she has been so strange since DD arrived that the friendship has changed. She gets annoyed that I manage to have a social life with new friends I have made where I've moved to, but I try and explain that that is more because of the convenience - I can go out with them and still go home at night to be there when DP has an early shift. If I could meet my friend in town then I'd be able to do the same thing with her.

Those of you who have mentioned the letter are right, there is something that I don't like about her sending a letter as opposed to just 'phasing me out'. She obviously wants me to know how she feels. I do understand that is is hard when a friend moves or has DC and things in your relationship change dramatically, several of my close friends had kids before me so I've experienced this myself, I guess I just thought that good friends are supposed to understand this.

But then maybe IABU to expect her to understand how hard I have been trying to see her. I left DD at 5w old to go to friend's mother's funeral (I don't mind that, I wanted to go) and overnight at 14w to stay at friend's for her birthday dinner, so I don't feel as though I have ever done the 'I couldn't possibly leave her' act ever. I probably ABU to think that actually. Sigh. You're right, I need to give this some time to mull it over.

And minouminou, Sometimes I'd visit and spend more time with the kids than with the adults - YY, I think this is colouring my response too. A very close friend had her first DC before me, and I went to stay with her a few times for a few nights, and babysat while there, and enjoyed playing with the baby while I was there. I can appreciate that probably made me have different expectations of what my friend might do when I was on maternity leave.

I've had a similar experience OP, not with regards a friend not having a child, but returning home from what I thought was a pleasant an enjoyable weekend to be told by email what a bad friend I was.

I emailed back straight away and it turned out it was more to do with other things and her perception of things. Although we are still amicable because our sons are close, I have reined the friendship right back.

It hurt like hell to get the email and it spoilt my memories of the event. Also I felt if she felt like that why wouldn't she just speak to me about it rather than feeling the need to email. It also dented my confidence in myself as a person and I had to check with some honest old friends that I was indeed ok to be friends with and not selfish.

A letter seems so permanent. I can't see anyway that you would restore this friendship even if you wanted to. I'd maybe email her say that you are doing your best and it's really hard when you work f/t and have a young child and you do value her friendship. Then - and this is the tricky bit - leave it. Don't initiate any further contact with her, let her do any chasing. She'll either realise her own folly when she has DCs or if she doesn't then maybe it is more appropriate for her to find friends that don't have children either if she doesn't appreciate that they have to come first.

Hope you're ok, I felt really upset at the time and it still makes me feel a bit churny inside.

So she is resentful of your DD because she is "stealing" you away?

Write back telling her to grow up and you will be happy to accept her apology when she has her own child and realises what an ass she is being!

OK, dont do that, but I would be seriously considering whether I wanted to save a friendship with someone so self centred and manipulative.

I think you obviously changed, as we all have to when we have kids, and she is now dropping you.

You are on different pages in life and obviously no longer compatable.

Your dd obviously bores her.

Let her go and find friends with small kids.

It doesn't sound to me like she is dropping uou.

She has just misunderstood you not seeing her so often.

Call her and tell her not to be such a loon..in a nice way :)

i had a mate like that. i felt obliged to outline my day; something like this ( had dds 1 and 3) and worked full time

6.15 dh gets up and leaves
6.30 i get up, dressed.
7.00 dds up, nappies breakfast- make up bottles for day, packed lunch
7.30 all in car
8.00 nursery drop off
8.30 work for full day
5.00 leave work
5.30 pick up kids
6.00 home
6.00/7.00 cram in dinner for kids, reading, bath time, washing clothes
7.30 kids in bed
8.00 make dinner - dh comes home
8.30 both tidy up- try to converse
9.00 bed

she just could not understand why i did not have time to go to the gym with her! or the energy to spend my precious weekends shopping or going out for meals, so i spelled it out.

she had the good grace to apologise, and years on we are good mates and she has had hysterics at this once she had her own dc ( i have been known when she is whinging about how tired she is to ask her if she would like to join a gym)

op, i would either do this, or ignore the letter completely and let her contact you when she has her sensible head on.

Be honest, have you become bit of a baby bore?

omg what a nasty selfish 'friend'. you are well rid kick her into touch and enjoy your beautiful dd .

She sounds sad that your live has changed and there is less room for her now.

my brother has not had any time for my parents or I since he got a girlfriend, then marriage now DC. even when DF was ill and dying. I do understand he has less time for his old family. but a few hours a year for his widowed mother is just pathetic.

it is sad when someone who meant something to you in the past has no time for you. it is as though the past meant nothing to them and you were just filling time for them.

not saying my experience is that same as yours OP, but I wondered if there were parallels with how your friend might be feeling.

I think she wants to talk things through and try to work through this. She's been open and honest to state her true (if difficult or undesirable) feelings in writing to you. If she didn't care a great deal about the friendship she could have just walked away. So I think she's probably trying to open a conversation, albeit awkwardly, and hoping you'll give your honest opinion in return. I think you do need to say exactly what you think instead of just smiling and offering food/wine/hospitality, otherwise it's just a "surface" friendship if you can't get to the deeper issues. Good luck!

Not a baby bore, Llareggub, I can promise you I want a good night out with the girls without even thinking about DD for a few hours as much as the next girl.

I do understand that it is hard when a friend almost vanishes out of your life, I really do. I hope that is what is behind it. But I'm just as mixed as the responses still Part of me thinks, 'bloody hell, that's a bit of an overreaction!', and the other part of me thinks that there must be more to this than meets the eye. I know I need to think this one over, I just keep swaying between two reactions.

Thanks people for sharing stories of similar situations though, it's really reassuring.

My best friend lives in another country (Europe so quite far!), we see each other maybe once a year? If she's your friend then how often you see each other shouldn't be an issue. As long as you make the effort to keep in contact.

I think your friend probably feels really sidelined by you at the mo. She's not necessarily right or wrong, but she is obviously struggling with the fact that your life has gone in a different direction to hers at the mo.

It's not that she's jealous of the dc, but probably misses the fun times and wonders why you don't, and therefore this the friendship isn't important to you anymore. She must really care about you to be so hurt that you are ( in her eyes) not making any time for her.

My friend lied to me about being pregnant and told me she would be my bridesmaid, then missed my birthday cos she was'ill' before she told me she was pregnant. My reason for cooling the friendship was nothing to do with her having a baby, it was the fact that the friendship meant so little she could just lie like that, then laugh about all the lies she told me. But I'm sure she thinks it is because of the baby.

I left DD at 5w old to go to friend's mother's funeral

Have to say, this jumped out at me just now. That's only a year or so ago that she lost her mother and her (best?) friend moved counties and had a baby, suddenly becoming completely unavailable.

I understand and sympathise with all your reasons, and your friend sounds pretty unreasonable not to be able to meet you halfway of an evening once in a while or stay up late a night or so here and there to chat on the phone, but perhaps actually she is not coping very well with her feelings of loss? Unless her job is super-stressful, or she has always been needy and anxious, I would be worried about her possible avoidant behaviour (very early bedtime, no travelling into London of an evening etc.)

Thurlow, I've just had something similar w my oldest friend (so much so that I did a double take when I saw the title, for fear she was on MN!). I won't go into details but it's v similar but came to a head recently about how I had "wronged" her a few months ago. I feel so so sad that my oldest and probably my best friend and I are on such diff paths that we're at risk of losing our connection. All I can say is that we had the difficult converstion and it was v painful. I'm going to stay in touch w my friend but maybe just pull back a little and accept I can't be as av as she'd like, just like i used to be. But as someone said up thread, I've 2 DC now and DH and they are my priority. Before DC, DH and my friends came first, but now friends are lower down my list. And those who cant or won't accept that will be less close friends. Good luck- this is really tough stuff.

Squirrels - she wasn't very close to her mum, actually it was her step-mum but to explain would be too personal to her. But you're right, she may feel like she has had a lot of upheavals and changes over the past year and people react in some very strange ways. This is one of the reasons I started this thread, people spot things you don't notice when you are in the situation.

Thanks everyone for all your input, it's so useful to see the other side. I need to think about this for a few days to get everything right in my head, but I think the general suggestion of a letter/email in response saying that I want to stay close and I'm sorry it feels as if I am ignoring her, but things are hard at the moment. And then I will leave it in her court.

You sound like a lovely and kind friend. I don't think I'd have been so understanding (in fact I know I wouldn't) as to photocopy my DH's shift schedule for her. Keep being kind, ask her if anything else is worrying her and reassure her you're there for her emotionally even if you can't physically devote time to coming over to see her, but remember you're not the one being unreasonable. I would ask her for her suggestions on how you can weather this period of your friendship - that leaves it up to her to give you an idea of what she needs. Then you can go from there.