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To lie about how well my baby sleeps?

17 replies

NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce · 30/04/2013 10:27

My DH is an appalling sleeper. We both sleep lightly and he wakes several times a night; when he is asleep he snores and makes a really annoying popping sound. At the end of my pregnancy I had flu and he moved to sleep in the spare room, and has stayed in there while I have DD, now 8 weeks, with me. She is a great sleeper, only twice ever woken before 6 and often later. Hard to believe still as DD1 only slept through until 5.30 when she was 7 months. AIBU to pretend that I am waking to feed her at night so I can keep my bed to myself? I am getting good sleep every night for the first time since marriage, have the energy to deal with my family and am blissfully happy.

Have read this over - should add that I love and fancy my DH very much, he is great in bed - until he falls asleep. The problem is sleep, not the relationship. What are the chances of persuading him that we should carry on sleeping apart but with conjugal visits? He feels a bit rejected, and says he worries our DCs will grow up with a warped idea of relationships, and tell friends we don't sleep together. Any thoughts/ advice?

OP posts:

HorryIsUpduffed · 30/04/2013 10:31

If DD is eight weeks you need all the sleep you can get. She may regress if she has a big growth spurt, or when teeth start, etc.

Bad sleeping/snoring can be signs of underlying health problems, so keeping DH in the spare room isn't a good solution. Is he overweight?


SkinnybitchWannabe · 30/04/2013 10:32

I kicked my OH out of our bed because he snores like a pig ages ago.
Im not shattered anymore so we get on great.


SooticaTheWitchesCat · 30/04/2013 10:40

I would ceratinly be tempted to keep the bed to myself a while longer, there is nothing worse than feeling tired when you have a tiny baby.


ArtemisKelda · 30/04/2013 10:43

We have separate rooms due to poor sleep, best thing we ever did, we're both far more well rested and both sleep better now, even with a 16 week old baby!

YANBU for wanting to sleep alone. I'd be honest though and say that I needed to sleep alone.


ChilliJo · 30/04/2013 11:13

I did this exact thing Blush. DP was sleeping on the sofa downstairs and DC2 was sleeping through in my our bed for a good few weeks. So the next step was to transfer her into her cot, which I did but neglected to tell DP I'd done so for another couple of weeks few days.

I don't feel at all too guilty as the last two months with both pregnancies, I was sleeping on the sofa as trying to roll over, with two people in the bed, was impossible. If he'd have given up the bed for me then, perhaps I'd have been a bit more honest later. Grin.


grumpyinthemorning · 30/04/2013 11:19

Do what works, but don't lie to him about it. I kip on the sofa sometimes because dp snores horribly. It's fine if I fall asleep first, I'm a really heavy sleeper, but if I don't then it keeps me up. I'll probably spend more nights on the sofa as it gets warmer, he's like a human radiator!


NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce · 30/04/2013 11:58

Thank you for the responses - ChiilJo you make me feel less naughty! Artemis I would love to get to this point, I have read articles about how bed sharing is not healthy and a relatively recent innovation socially. From within my acquaintance there are lots of women regularly moving to the sofa,I just love going to bed knowing it's all mine for the night! I do agree that talking to him is the grown up solution, he does insist on seeing it as more than it really is though.

OP posts:

CajaDeLaMemoria · 30/04/2013 12:03

I think I'm with your husband here.

I presume by 'seeing it as more than it really is' you mean that he sees it as unusual, and reflection on your relationship, but you just see it as getting the bed to yourself?

I'd be on his side. Yes, it might be becoming more common to sleep in separate beds, and someone somewhere may suggest that it's actually better for you. And it may well be, if he keeps you awake, or makes you uncomfortable. It is sad, though. I'd be really upset if I couldn't share the bed with my DP. It's not just's the whole closeness thing.

But you've got this the right way round, at least. Tell him that while you've been sleeping with DD, you've noticed how much better you sleep without his snoring, and ask him to see his doctor, or try some of those snoring strips you get, or basically do anything that improves the situation. He's likely to do so, because he wants to sleep back in the same bed as you. Just word it nicely, so he doesn't take it as a criticism.


ArtemisKelda · 30/04/2013 14:09

I explained what I needed in terms of sleep. I was exhausted, depressed and a total wreck. I was also resenting his ability to fall asleep quickly as it can take me hours. Having my own room has been a lifesaver. We still share some weekends as its lovely to snuggle up together, I just can't handle it during the week when we both have to be up early.

Our relationship improved because I was no longer a tearful, worn out mess. I feel human again. I love him all the more for his understanding, and still think he's the most fanciable man ever, even after 21 years together. We're both very affectionate with each other, he's also my closest friend and a downright nice man.

Reassure him that the issue is sleep related. If the DCs see you both being affectionate together, that gives them a great picture of relationships, whether you sleep in the same bed or not.

It really isn't unusual for loving couples to sleep apart. Sleep deprivation is used as torture because its effective and it can cause difficulties in the strongest of relationships.


NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce · 30/04/2013 14:52

Thanks Artemis, that gives me hope! I do agree with Caja about closeness but that can be difficult to feel when you're exhausted, and each blaming the other for disturbed nights. Maybe weekdays apart and weekends together would be a good compromise. Anyway at some point soon I will need to be a grown up and have a discussion with him - wish me luck!

OP posts:

ArtemisKelda · 30/04/2013 15:02

Good luck NK, I totally get where Caja is coming from re closeness and you're right about not feeling close when you're both shattered & annoyed.

I really hope you can get this sorted.


Crinkle77 · 30/04/2013 15:42

I am with you OP. I hate sharing a bed and think separate beds are the way forward. I much prefer to have all the bed to myself so I can stretch out and my partner is a very noisy sleeper so I have to sleep with ear plugs in


CheeseandPickledOnion · 30/04/2013 15:44

We sleep seperately and have for years. I'm a very light sleeper, DH is a fidgety, snoring nightmare. We were actually making each other miserable sleeping together. Now we are happy, healthy, rested and no less close than we would be otherwise.


yaimee · 30/04/2013 15:52

Her sleeping patterns will probably change so grab the rest while you can!
Maybe talk to your dh, just tell him exactly what you've told us. 8 weeks is early days, so explain that it isn't a permanent thing!


Plathism · 30/04/2013 15:59

YWBU to lie about it really, but I can see why you want to! BTW bed-sharing is not a recent innovation - entire families used to sleep in the same bed together (as I read recently in Lucy Worsley's book :))

I think my DH would sleep better without me in bed with him, because he's a light sleeper and I wriggle a lot in my sleep. But I love sleeping with him and sleep much better when he's in bed with me for some reason. So I can sympathise with your DH... Ultimately though, if it makes a huge difference to the quality of sleep you get, he needs to understand this and accept sleeping separately.


gail734 · 30/04/2013 16:04

I'm still getting away with this nine months later. I think you'd be amazed by how many couples (really) sleep in separate beds. My DH has a beautifully decorated nursery, all to himself! We both sleep better so we get on better. I would add that DH doesn't sleep in a crib - I ordered him a nice new double bed!


Pilgit · 30/04/2013 18:34

What the children will see is two grown ups doing the best for each other's health and happiness. Or just tell him it works for the queen and prince philip and they have a very good relationship (it seems from the outside)

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