In the week it was my daughter?s 16th birthday. She has a number of problems at present and I am in the process are getting her some help for anxiety, depression, an eating disorder etc. It?s important for her to be loved, accepted ? she had a violent and deep-rooted reaction to her dad suddenly leaving us in 2011.
But her father did not call or send a card for her birthday. I stayed calm, while swearing inside. Nothing. Then I see his face all over the paper, grinning at the Duchess of Cambridge at some fancy pants do at Leavesden Studios (he?s in the film industry). I am particularly poorly too at the moment ? stress has caused some more health issues with my lymphoma, including lumps in my breast which now need to be investigated. If I am honest, I am scared. My daughter really needs me. Also I need to be healthy, firm with her when she oversteps the mark, sensitive when she has meltdowns etc.
Today I sat on a train, looking at a lovely young couple holding hands and I felt so very very sad. I think I am tired but I also had such murderous thoughts, which I really tried to kill ? if you excuse the pun. Why should he have his glamorous life and just dump us like dogs at the roadside?
Excuse the self-pity. Mumsnet is good for the ranting. But what I really want to do is make up posters with his face on it and put them everywhere. I won?t ? of course.
Finally a crumpled card came yesterday. My daughter made a half-hearted attempt at opening it but didn?t read it. ?It?s not my birthday now.? She looked more like six years old at that moment, not 16.
If I could add water to something good, kind and funny ? to make an instant father for her ? I would. Also just for someone to hold my hand on a train, look at me as if I mattered.
Is it unreasonable to want that?