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To think it's rude to sneak off without saying goodbye

28 replies

vvviola · 28/04/2013 22:56

MIL (yes, sorry it's a MIL thread) lives 2 hours drive from us and came up to stay for the weekend. She arrived at 9am on Saturday and was due to stay until this morning. (Not UK, so it's Monday morning here).

A lovely weekend was had by all with the exception of her talking to DH as though he is still the 17yo who moved out of home, but I' m used to that

Both DDs worship her, and it's particularly lovely to see DD2 (20 months) interacting and playing with her, as MIL didn't get the chance for all that with DD1 as we were overseas.

Last night MIL said she would be leaving early in the morning, probably around 7.30. No problem there, she's always keen to get on the road early. She said goodnight to DD1 and said she'd see her in the morning.

We got up this morning at 7... and she was gone. I'd heard her moving about at 5:30ish when I was up with DD2.

DD1 was devestated. "I didn't get to say goodbye, Nana said she'd give me a cuddle before she left" etc etc. A crying 5 year old is not a great start to a Monday morning,

DH reckons she does it (it's not the first time - she did it before and told DD she left early because she missed her cat Angry), because she thinks it will avoid a fuss. Except it doesn't, it just means she doesn't have to deal with seeing an upset child.

WIBU to tell DH to ask her not to do it again. To either say goodbye the night before, or wait until we are up leave? It's not like we get up late, the whole house is always up by 7:30 at the latest.

OP posts:

LemonsLimes · 28/04/2013 23:07

Yes tell your dh to ask her not to do it again.


LittleMissLucy · 29/04/2013 01:44

She lied to her grand child. YANBU.
She needs to say goodnight and "see you next time as I may be gone in the morning...." type thing.


MusicalEndorphins · 29/04/2013 03:05

She needs to say goodnight and "see you next time as I may be gone in the morning...." type thing.
Yes, that is a simple solution and common sense.


Lueji · 29/04/2013 03:25

Very rude.

Next time, just make everyone say goodbye to her, as she "may well sneak off without saying goodbye, again". With the nicest smile. :o


HerRoyalNotness · 29/04/2013 03:26

Maybe she doesn't like goodbyes? My aunt is the same, last time I as home and stayed with her she said exactly that, she'd we me in the morning but as gone before I woke. My cousin said she does t lik a goodbye. Hard on your little ones though.


HerRoyalNotness · 29/04/2013 03:27

shocking typing there nothing to do with the wine, oh no


Finola1step · 29/04/2013 05:30

Does she know this upsets your DD? If she has not been told, then it is reasonable for her to think that her plan works - to slip out quietly and not upset the grandchildren.

YANBU but you have to tell her as she isn't a mind reader.


vvviola · 29/04/2013 05:37

But HerRoyalNotness, surely as an adult, whether you don't like goodbyes or not, you'd suck it up rather than upset a child?

Perhaps I'm a little harsh on that topic as we've done a lot of goodbyes over the past year, for a lot longer and further than 2 hours down the road & seeing her every month, and in each case the (very upset) adults have held it together so as not to upset the children.

OP posts:

vvviola · 29/04/2013 05:40

Yes Finola, she knows. She was told last time she did it. DD also asked her on the phone last time why she didn't say goodbye.

DD is still angsting over it a bit (she does tend to over think things) and has asked me a number of times this afternoon who Nana said goodbye to, why she had to leave so early, whether DD2 had said goodbye. Hmm

OP posts:

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii · 29/04/2013 11:00

This wouldn't bother me to much. I would have just played it down for the kids and told them that they can say goodbye to Granny on the phone.
She should have mentioned that she may do it but I don't expect she gave it much thought and I doubt she intended to be rude.


Finola1step · 29/04/2013 12:31

Ah if she has been told before, and has done it again then that puts a different spin on it. I would be tempted to say that if she wants to stay again, she should tell your dd before bedtime that she will be on her way home before breakfast. She should say goodbye the night before and maybe leave a little, cheerful note for dd to read at breakfast time.


vvviola · 30/04/2013 12:18

DH mentioned it to her today, especially about how upset DD1 had been about not being able to say goodbye (like I said, lots of goodbyes over the past couple of years, so I think she gets a bit anxious and likes to be able to say "goodbye, see you on...".

MIL essentially shrugged and implied "so what?". Hmm

I'm not sure where this leaves me at her next visit next month (don't actually know if she's staying overnight or not, she isn't great for communicating plans until the last minute), but will probably have to get DH to have another word closer to the time.

OP posts:

ZZZenagain · 30/04/2013 12:22

sorry your little girl was upset but I really don't find it a big deal that your MIL left before you all got up.


MarthasHarbour · 30/04/2013 12:23

MIL essentially shrugged and implied "so what?". Hmm

Dear god thats awful, DS would have been gutted if that was his nanna although-she wouldnt do that My DM gets in a right state when saying goodbye to DS - but saves it until she gets into the car with my dad, so DS cant see...

Your poor DD Sad


MarthasHarbour · 30/04/2013 12:24

to iii and zzz

IKWYM - if it was just adults she was saying goodbye too, wouldnt bother me a jot. But children Hmm her own grandchildren.. sorry but i disagree


Finola1step · 30/04/2013 12:25

Wow. Sounds like your MIL is the type of person who lives by her rules, her timetable with little or no regard to anyone else. Do you usually have a bed made up for her when she arrives? Next time she visits, I would be tempted to have nothing prepared for her to stay over as a way of showing her that she has to communicate her plans to you. This is your home not a hotel where she can check in and out at times to suit her.


ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 30/04/2013 12:26

I think that telling the children she would see them in the morning and then making sure she was gone before you all got up was very wrong of her.

In future, I agree that making a big deal of saying goodbye in the evening is the best way to go. And if she says no, she'll be there in the morning, say ok, but sometimes you aren't, so let's not promise that ... and continue to stress to the children that she might not be there.

You never know, if you take control of this, she may stop sneaking off anyway.


MoominsYonisAreScary · 30/04/2013 12:30

She should say goodbye the night before, she is being ridiculous!

Waves to marthas


squoosh · 30/04/2013 12:30

I don't think it's that big of a deal. Maybe tell her in future that it will save the kid's tears and you a lot of hassle if she makes sure to say a proper goodbye.

She probably doesn't realise the full extent of the fuss it causes. Maybe you need to spell it out a bit more clearly.

Goodbyes are tedious though.


vvviola · 30/04/2013 12:33

Finola - I'd be tempted to do that (I make up the bed in DD2's room & move DD2 in with us or DD1), except she was really weird the first few times she stayed, remaking the bed with her own sheets, bringing her own towels. I felt my ability to host was being insulted, so I make doubly sure the bedroom is ready as I would for any other guest right down to little toiletries on the bed

And yes, if it was just DH & me she hasn't said goodbye to it wouldn't bother me so much (although I still wouldn't like the idea of the front door being left unlocked while we were asleep), but it just upsets DD1 so much.

OP posts:

vvviola · 30/04/2013 12:35

MarthasHarbour - my Mum is the same. Spent her last week of her visit here (they were here for 2 months) randomly bursting into tears... but never let the DDs see, and even held it together pretty well until they got in the car.

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deleted203 · 30/04/2013 12:36

I'm a bit torn here, TBH. I can see that it was upsetting for you with DD being so upset and I'd have been peed off.

However - if MIL doesn't sleep well, perhaps and was wide awake and up, dressed and packed by 5.30am I can understand that she might not want to hang around with nothing to do for a couple of hours just to say goodbye to you all. She maybe just thought, 'I'm up and ready to leave, so I'll just get going'.

Next time just say goodbye the night before.


vvviola · 30/04/2013 12:38

But squoosh - she's been told. More than once. And when she was told again this time she didn't seem to care.

And they aren't big dramatic goodbyes, we see her about once every 6 weeks. DD just likes to be able to give her nana a hug and say goodbye. She may get overly upset when she can't, but it isn't like she's avoiding a massive drama by sneaking out just causing one

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wheredidiputit · 30/04/2013 13:17

As your MIL isn't bothered about saying goodbye to your dd, perhaps next time she comes to stay the night before nanny goes home get dd to give nanny a big cuddle and say a proper goodbye as nanny won't/might not be there in the morning.

That way dd had her goodbye and MIL not really changed her behaviour.


WinterWinds · 30/04/2013 13:19

Was just about to post what sowornout did.

We did this with friends of ours, not intentional mind. We'd stopped over after a night out and both dh and i were wide awake at 6am. Instead of hanging around for a couple of hours to say our goodbyes we decided to head home and be home for the Dc's waking up for breakfast. We did phone our friends as soon as we thought they'd be up though to explain.

I would do the goodbyes at bedtime in future, then if she is still there when you wake, just tell Your Dc's that nana decided to leave a bit later than planned.

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