To feel no time and feel constantly guilty

[wendy1969]

Hi

I just wondered if i alone in feeling that I am always in a rush and constantly trying to spin about 27 plates in the air. Is this just motherhood or I am I going wrong somewhere?? Help?

I have 2 kids aged 5 (at school) and a 3 year old.
I work part time as a teacher, on those days the kids have a childminder/ go to nursery.
I have a husband
I have a house
I have parents that are elderly and ill.

All pretty normal I realise, but I just dont seem to able to manage it all. I always feel I am letting someone down. Mostly my mother. Who is constantly disappointed in the lack of time I have to spend with her and doing things with her.

I get up every day at 5.30, on the 3 days I work I go to work and get back about 5- 5.30. By the time I pick up the kids, do reading, tea, bath and bed it is 7.30. I am shattered and barely able to manage an eposide of corry before I go to bed at 9ish.

On the days I dont work in the week I am full on cleaning the house, catching up with washing. Jobs like taking the care for MOT, daughter for vaccine, swimming lessons, taking parents to various medical appointments. I honestly do not sit down. In fact the only time I will sit down is if I pay for dd to do an extra session at nursery so I can catch up with marking or report writing.

At the weekend it does not really feel much better, there is always stuff to do in the house like the garden and cleaning. I feel it important to do interesting things with the kids rather then just putting them in front of the telly. So we will usually go swimming and /or park as a family. There just never seems to be any time for me. And all the time my mum is quizzing me on what I am doing and why I have not been to see her.

The only time I actually get to myself is when I go the hairdressers (once every 6 weeks). Which I am made to feel really guilty about by my Mum; as if I am indulging myself. I would love to go the gym and try to loose some weight but I just dont have the time. I wonder how other people do it? Do I just need more sleep then others?

I have no one to help us with childcare at all. It is just me and dh (other than nursery childminder on school days) so there is no break in waking hours. In the evening I am tied, often have marking and to be honest just want to watch a bit of telly, have tea, or maybe even a shag with my dh. But my mum thinks I should come out to visit her in the evening and makes me feel really guilty about it. She frequently phones and asks me to get her things she does not really need - I feel as a sort of control thing to make me come round.

I have put things in place to save time like having shopping deliveried and ironing sent out. I have thought about getting a cleaner and or gardener but the commitment to pay someone every week is probably more than we can afford.

I should point out my mum has various non terminal health conditions and lives in a lovely care home. All her needs are met. But she is bored. Do you think I am being mean to spend the majority of the very little free time i do get with my kids and dh.

One car - so does DH drop you off at work or vice versa, and then pick you up afterwards? Do you work close to each other?

Could you get a 2nd (cheap run around) car? Then DH could get the kids ready and drop them off, leaving you to set off and visit your Dad?

That would buy you 30 mins in the morning.

Same on the return journey.

Or do either of your parents have a car that you could borrow?

Sounds like the only thing you can really change is cleaning/gardening stuff. I started by putting an ad in the local newsagents. Or go on a reommendation/agency.

But wendy, your dad already has got someone coming in. He's got you coming in. So it's no good him saying that he doesn't want the help. To be honest I think he is being as unfair as your mum, by the sounds of things.

I understand your discomfort about getting a cleaner. It's not my place to discourage you from hiring a cleaner if that is what you need, but I, too, would dislike paying someone to clean private areas of my house. Personally, I would feel totally different about a gardner though, as they need specialist equipment and insurance to do the job, and are also working outside your house. Either way, I would definitely think of getting some extra help if you can afford it - whether that is for the cleaning, gardening or directly to help with your parents.

Also, maybe this is a stupid suggestion, and I don't know if this is a possibility at all, in terms of finances or time - but would it be possible for you to go on holiday at all? It really sounds as though you could use a break, and if you were away for a while then your mum and dad might also have to take stock of how much you are really doing for them when they have to make other arrangements. It really sounds like they are taking your time and attention for granted.

Hi, you sound to be doing a great job. I think your situation is not unsimilar to lots of working families these days - both parents working to pay the bills, elderly parents to care for, your own careers to forge and all the other life stuff on top. It is exhausting!

One thing I think might be behind your mum's comments is that it just won't have been like that in her day. I imagine she didn't have to work and so can't understand the pressure of a job on top of everything else that is family related.

You need to look after you as if you reach burnout, this whole house of cards is going to fall apart.

I would get someone in to help with your dad and then when you do visit, it is a quality visit and not a duty/cleaning visit. If he protests, explain that you are at breaking point and if you carry on, you'll be ill and won't be able to help at all. Where is your mum in all of this? If she is capable and sitting around on the Internet all day, why doesn't she look into care for him? Could he move to the same place as her?

As was suggested up thread, get a cleaner for a couple of hours 2x a month. They can Hoover and clean the bathroom and kitchen as a minimum. To do this, do a bit of private tutoring, using the time you free up by not seeing your dad so much.

Re the guilt - just refuse to feel guilty. Easier said than done but what has your brother done here? Nothing! What have you done? Enough and more and you're going to be ill if you continue like this. You cannot put your health and well being below everyone else's needs. You should be the main person in your life and you deserve some enjoyment and relaxation too.

Good luck.

Hi patsy, yes we work v close to each other. And it is 20 miles away so makes no sense having 2 cars. The days I do not work dh gets the train so I get the car.

Thanks wobbly esp for the last paragraph, relaxation is something that I feel so guilty about.

My mum never worked. And her parents lived in a different town so she would go to visit every Saturday in their later years but by then my brother and I were age 8 or 9. So not she does not get it. But my dh is forever telling me that she does not even what to try and understand so I am wasting my breathe, he reckons she has lost all perspective on normal life.As she is a care home she does not have to do any of the time consuming stuff of normal life. Like sorting out bills, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing so she just isn't interested in appreciating how long they take.

Sorry I realise I am just moaning. I would never normally have a sec to get on the Internet in the day but dd is washing cbeebies while she eats her dinner and there is a man fixing the dishwasher so I can't get in the kitchen do jobs.

it's called life, OP...you chose to do the things like have kids, work part time etc...

does it get easier..? - yeah, if you're lucky when your kids grow up it will...

tho, my new lady has a 20 years old daughter (with a 3 year old son) - and all she does is take, take, take...she's slowly trying to break the shackles but it's tough - as she expects my lady to look after the grandson a lot of the time, and puts on a guilt trip if she doesn't...spoilt little fucker :(

MansView I think you will find if you read the OP that the OP's problems relate to elderly parents who need/want more than the OP can give. Not sure how much choice the OP has in that.

Oh and why not tell your lady how you described her DD in your post here? I'm sure that you would quickly find that your problems disappear.

Get a cleaner and join the gym. Get up a bit later.

Mansview are you for real??? I hope OP ignores you telling her its all her own fault/choice and "your lady" (is it 1952?) comes to her senses and removes herself from a man who refers to her daughter like that.

OP you really need to get that cleaner in! Dont feel bad about it at all.
At the end of the day its impossible to do EVERYTHING for EVERYONE. You need to start cutting things down so you can actually have time to think and before you make yourself ill.

Your DH sounds like he makes a great effort in helping you with the kids and supporting you, which is fantastic.

I think the guilt you feel over your mum & dad is something that can be changed as well. I think you need to ask your mum to come over to your place once a week, so she can spend time with you that way. Then you can still carry on with the things you need to do & maybe your mum can help around the house as well with you? I dont mean get her to do anything too exhausting, but even if you're both folding up some laundry while having a nice chat...something along those lines anyway.

Your dad needs a carer. It may just be a few minutes twice a day and seem simple to you, but its still something else to worry about. The time it takes to get there & just the simple stress of knowing "oh I must get over to Dad at such a time" does take its toll. Even if you got the carer to drop in to see him in the morning & then you pop over in the PM, that would help save you some time & energy. Understand its difficult but maybe just tell him thats what is going to happen and dont give him the option. Just arrange the carer and say you're doing a trial run to see how it goes.

Same goes for your mum too, just tell her one last time how busy your life is and leave it at that. Dont feel guilty about it - you can still be the loving daughter they need/want, but they should understand you have your DH and kids to sort out as well now. The time needs to be shared between everyone & YOU need your own time as well!

OP, sometimes I think it is a wood for the trees thing. When you are in the middle of it, you can't see what can give.

On your next day off, let your mum know before hand that you can't visit. Then plan something nice. Your mum will see that the world doesn't end.