FIL lost it with the kids.. Perspective needed

[mousemole]

My head's in a muddle with this one and I'm bloomin angry.
Yesterday we were at the in laws for a family get together. Nice day but FIL gets stressed by our boys aged 7,5 and 2 going within 5 metres a glass/ tea cup/ ornament. He's quite a shouty man and has very limited patience. Anyway, we were about to leave when the two youngest started bickering over a toy. I got up to go and pack our stuff up, left husband sat with the boys, FIL and other family members. I came back into the room 2 minutes later to find FIL dragging the youngest 2 boys by their wrists across the room. They were hysterical and clearly in pain. Apparently he had flipped at their bickering and told them to get out the room. He is a big, strong 6ft 4 man, they are 2 and 4. I shouted 'what the hell is going on ?' at FIL and DH ( who did nothing but that's another story), grabbed the boys and went to the car with them where it took 5 mins to calm them down from their hysteria.
I agree it's their house and their rules but I am livid that he manhandled the kids. AIBU ?

[mousemole]

Black lightning I'm sorry to hear about your FIL. It all sounds very familiar. I'm sure you made the right decision.
I do resent Freddies comments about not parenting. I'm a bloody good parent and so is DH. I parented bloody well yesterday. The boys bickered for no longer than a few minutes. We're not talking about hours of relentless squabbling. DH was sorting them out and get them ready to go out to the car but FIL stepped in over him and dragged the boys off.

[HappySeven]

Thank goodness for Freddie! I was wondering if I was going insane -really pleased to see someone on the same wavelength.

[outtolunchagain]

I wonder what the Australian relatives will remember ; will it be two small pre school children getting a little fractious at the end of the day OR will it be a 6 ft red faced supposedly loving grandfather dragging a hysterical two year old the length of a sitting room / diner whilst shouting his head off.

How anyone can think that is an acceptable way to behave for an adult beggars belief.

[Hissy]

FIL did that in front of visisting relatives?

Sheesh, he does that in front of people, imagine what he's like one on one!

[MummytoKatie]

For whoever it was who was implying that parents keeping their children away from grandparents are just doing it through spite and it is the children who lose out:-

I am the adult version of the children in this story. My parents very carefully controlled the access my grandparents had to me and my brother. Looking back on it as an adult I think my parents kept them away from us because they loved us and wanted to protect us. When we did visit I don't remember any particularly happy things happening but I do remember them saying a few things that, as an adult, I don't think was appropriate.

I didn't lose out at all by not really having them in my life. My grandparents lost out because me and db were nice kids who grew up to be nice adults and they missed that. But they should have been nicer to my mum and us and then they would have got to share in that.

[seriouscakeeater]

I would have drove off and left DH there!

ali FIL is an adult, he lost control. He had no excuse to grab anybody's children like this regardless what they were doing.

[SwishSwoshSwoosh]

Mouse mole - I would simply send an email saying you don't want to visit again for the time being. You won't tolerate your kids being manhandled.

Lots of attempts on this thread to excuse the bullying from the GF, but no kids can be perfect 100% of the time and I wouldn't want to take the risk of this happening again over a small bit of bickering.

[flippinada]

Good luck whatever you decide to do mousemole. And yanbu at all. Your FIL

[flippinada]

Pressed send too soon. Your Fil was in the wrong.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

freddie

you seem to be setting up a false dichotomy between namby pamby do-nothing parenting, and the kind of end-of-tether aggressive action taken by the FIL. There is a middle way. Most of us on here seem familiar with it.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Jamie

But often parents doing nothing to challenge bad behaviour just translates to the parents not doing what you ( general not you personally) would do.

[pointythings]

Ignore the excusers on this thread. Don't email your FIL. Lay it on the line to your DH - he needs and deserves help.

Children only need grandparents who deserve grandchildren.

[happyhev]

Dragging such a young child across a room is certainly child abuse and you have a responsibility to protect your children from this dreadful man. OP have your children sustained any injuries, it may be worth getting them checked by your GP.

[happyhev]

I would end all contact between the children and FIL I would also tell him that if he ever assaults my child again that I would be reporting him to the police. Your children, particularly the 2yr old could easily have been seriously injured.

[edwardsmum11]

Yanbu and I wouldn't take my kids near him ever again. Dh is a wet blanket imo.

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

Parents of small children become inured to their behaviour. What they think is cute and endearing, other people who aren't their parents can find intensely irritating.

I have to ask, Freddie - how old are your children?

I don't know anyone - honestly; anyone - who thinks their own annoying, bickering toddler behaviour after a long day out (especially at the in-laws) is 'cute' and 'endearing'.

Only the most deluded PFB type (the type that you read about on here but never actually meet or know in real life) thinks their child's over-tired bickering is 'cute'. Any half-way normal parents finds it as irritating as everyone else. More so because it comes with the added pressure of being the one that has to step in, sort it out, and stop it.

I honestly don't understand the dynamic of some families on this thread. All this 'you shouldn't have let it escalate that far', 'you should have had them under control', 'you should have handled it instead of your DH', 'you should have done X', 'you should have done Y'...

No - the FIL should not have resorted to his clearly age-old bullying tactics towards someone eles's children. He was in the wrong. No-one else. He was. You simply do not behave like that, and the very fact that the OP's grown husband was scared rigid by his behaviour says it all.

Stop excusing the FIL, and blaming the OP, her husband, and their 2YO and 4YO children.

[MissLurkalot]

freddie and notmoon etc.. ...

Unbelievable bullshit from the pair of you!
Condoning such behaviour is pure madness.
This is not a grandparent bashing thread.. This is someone being overly aggressive with somebody else's children.
Grandparent, Uncle, Friend, Teacher or Neighbour... It is disgusting, unacceptable behaviour.
Whoever did that to my children.. It would horrify me, and I would not want to have that individual around my children again...

[MissLurkalot]

OP, I think your next step is to, as you said, cancel their visit this coming weekend. No reason needed.
Then let him stew on that! Like you said, actions speak louder than words.
I feel for your MIL, but it's her choice to accept her husband's behaviour, and if she wants to stick her head in the sand, so be it.. That is her choice.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

The op asked. I gave a different perspective. Obviously I'm a horrendous child abuser. I await the knock at the door from the police and social services to take my children away.

Sheesh.

[pigletpower]

Freddie-I think it maybe time to leave this thread[again] and really not come back.You are in the minority here and you are just antagonising people.

[freddiemisagreatshag]

I left. I was still being attacked in my absence. And people were being very very nasty. I am entitled to defend myself, surely?

[DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper]

You're not being attacked; your opinion is being attacked. Nobody is calling you an abuser, although you like to keep coming back to thread to state that they are.

If you post an opinion on a public forum, don't be surprised if/when people disagree with it.

[Bowlersarm]

freddie just to let you know you're not alone. I agree with you.

[JamieandtheMagicTorch]

freddie

I don't think you should leave, of course not. If you do really think the way you discipline your children, and what happened in the OP's scenario are exactly the same, then it's no wonder you are getting defensive

Actually, I think you have in mind some annoying do-nothing parents and you are projecting your feelings about them onto the OP

[HappySeven]

Freddie, I was pleased to see you on here. I agree with a lot of what you've said (but thankfully for me, no one attacked my posts!)

What people always forget is that we only ever have the OP's description of what happened and so I'm picturing a child being led out of the room and them pulling against the adult whereas a lot of people here obviously picture a child being dragged quite violently.

We are allowed to disagree. I think it would be wrong to cut off contact and would love to hear what the OP's DH actually says about what happened and how he feels his parents' parenting style affected him. I had a dad who would have physically removed me from the room and I'm fine with it. Maybe that's what is colouring my view of the situation.

I also believe it takes a village to raise a child and so am happy for grandparents and others to discipline (in the meaning of teaching a child right from wrong) when they feel necessary.