To ask a lovely bunch of total strangers on MN to please boost my confidence about bringing up baby??

[emeraldgirl1]

Specifically about sleeping/feeding, which as DD is only 7 weeks old is pretty much all she does anyway!

Basically I am getting in a bit of a state and doubting everything I am doing. I am quite (ok, very) suggestible.

Obviously DD is too little for any kind of real routine (at least that is my instinct) and instinctively I know that even when she is older I am not keen on controlled crying etc (btw that is absolutely no judgment on people who do CC, it just wouldn't suit me). But I am in a panic at times feeling that all the advice I am getting is contradictory and not knowing what to listen to and what to ignore... Hmm, maybe I am a masochist to ask on MN then!!

But I would v much like to start instigating a few good sleep habits early on. we are lucky I think in that DD is not an utterly atrocious sleeper (at the mo) and seems a fairly chilled little character, however she does often get painfully overtired as she sleeps v little indeed in daytime... I hate watching her work herself up when I know it is over tiredness... Glazed eyes, rubbing face etc.

However I ave literally NO idea what to do for the best re daytime naps. Marc Weissbluth book has got me stressed out about the importance of napping (I said I was suggestible!!) and I have a good friend ramming Gina Ford down my throat (not literally...) then on the other hand I have my mum being deeply suspicious of daytime naps as she seems to regard it as some badge of honour that her children never napped, thereby in her eyes proving their high intelligence and general specialness...

Anyway right now I am honestly doubting everything I do, for example my initial instinct was that I wanted DD to NOT go up to her cot for a daytime nap but instead nap downstairs in her carrycot (I thought this might help her distinguish between day naps and night sleep) but thanks to all I have been reading I now worry that I am doing the wrong thing nd that if DD catnaps in her carrycot rather than going up for a proper deep sleep in her cot, she will be a anti social horror for the rest of her life etc...

Also we were getting some good results (calmer baby, more regularity to the day) by starting a three-hourly feeding regime last week after totally feeding on demand til then, but now I read in Marc W that I should NEVER wake a sleeping baby...

I am joking obviously but honestly it is making m head spin, I don't know what to do for the best.

I basically just want DD to get enough sleep if possible. I hate to see her overtired and she isn't keen on the daytime sleep I think she really needs. I would also love to be able, one day in a few months, to have some degree of self soothing in her cot rather than always having her fall asleep on me or DH... my Sister's children do the latter and it is something I personally would rather avoid if possible.

I had hoped to be able to cherry pick from a few experts (it is why i read a few books) plus use my own instinct but all the experts are so bossy and their methods seem so all encompassing (ie if you don't do every single thing they say you may as well not bother) and I am losing all confidence in any instinct anyway.

Any advice? And can anyone clear up the matter of pram versus cot for daytime nap, for the love of god??!

My (now ex) DH nearly spoiled the first few years with my DD with his criticism. I hope that isn't the case for you.

We make a massive meal of babies and routines. And those books are written to be profitable by playing on insecurities.

Maternity leave is for scoffing cake and lying about in your jammies looking at a gorgeous baby and generally hanging out. Or dressing up a bit and wheeling your baby out and about in the pram and getting admiring comments. The more you enjoy this, the more settled your baby will be!

Ask DH to check the index of any book that is The Solution for your baby's name, and if it's not there, bin it. Every child and parent has different needs, and you need to work out what works for both of you. I am not good with routine, so did not remotely try with mine -dd found her own pattern v early (and slept everywhere) and she's a really lovely 6yo now. DS was a bloody awful sleeper no matter what for ages, but is ace now, and also a wee gem. Watch your baby, and look for her patterns, but also look for the things you have to change as they are flash points for you, and the things that you can just let go, as they don't really rattle you.

BURN THEM BURN THEM WITH FIRE

Then take a deep breath and learn to nod smile and glaze over hearing nothing but white noise when anyone says "I did, youshould my child. ....."

Ok that done do the following:

If dd is dirty change her

If she is hungry feed her

If she's looking sleepy get her to sleep by feeding, putting her down (some babies can just go off alone from day 1 mine never did) or pushing in pushchair.

If she's grumpy and the first 2 points are covered try sleep.

If still upset check not windy or ill.

That's it! Honestly. I wrapped myself in knots with dd1 those first few weeks and got pnd as a result when in the end both dds will do as they please. Dd1 slept well
Dd2 is rubbish.

The only 2 steps I would take is always put them to bed in the same way, wash, change, milk/cuddle/singing/story or whatever then bed from about 6/7 months. That way it doesnt matter what actual time it is the process will indicate sleep. This works with dd1 (3) at 7pm or midnight!

Secondly let babies sleep whenever they are tired, after about a year try not to let them sleep within 2 hours of when you want them in bed for the night unless they are so overtired meltdown will occur in which case decide if you put them to bed early and expect to get up early, or let them nap then expect a later bedtime.

Job done.

Babies are not research projects and they can't be controlled!

Tell him you are still hormonal and then tell him to fuck off with his research and advice from other people. Then demand tea and chocolate.

Or maybe you already did that.

You can do this. Just hang out this weekend and so whatever you think you want to.

AlnwickRose, no no, DH is not a carper or criticiser, he is a lovely supportive man, he is just a big one for Answers and Solutions and I think is taking a while to get to grips with the mild chaos a baby brings, we left parenting very late and so have been accustomed to control in our lives for a long time and I think he can't quite understand just yet that it isn't going to work that way with DD.

I am so reassured by all your posts thank you everyone! Was starting to worry that everything I had done or felt was Wrong...

Nope, you are the world expert in the needs of this particular child, did you know that?

Oh can I just ask... 3 hour feeding routine in daytime (ie as close as possible to three hours each feed)... Then let her wake herself whenever at night... Good plan or too controlling? As I say we have been doing this for a week ish now and she seems ok on it, feeding less frenzied etc.
She is bottle fed btw.

Oh oh your DH is me!

I was so very in control in my job, everything was planned and everyone did as they were told, then dd1 came along and just c wouldn't perform as required, I turned to books to "fix" her. She gurgled then puked at me in a scoffing manner.

In all seriousness this aided my pnd the inability to accept that babies are uncontrollable and that did not mean I had failed. He needs to learn that, to let go and flow with it. My experience with dd2 whilst she has in reality been a nightmare compared to dd1 has still been far more relaxed and enjoyable.

Tell him that he just needs to enjoy it. When you stop worrying about it then it actually becomes a lot of fun.

Answers and solutions are for problems. She is not a problem she is your lovely tiny little baby. So she doesn't need solutions or answers.

Tell him just to relax and enjoy it.

The best piece of advice I was given (and only bit I listened to) when I had my baby was that in 30 years time you will not care if you did Gina Ford or co-sleeping or Annabel Karmel or BLW, you really will not give a crap about any of it, all you will care about are you memories with your baby and the person they are so just don't worry. It feels soooo important now but in the big scheme of things it is totally insignificant.

If she had settled 3 hourly then go with it however be prepared that growth spurt, teething, feeling off, vaccinations or just being contrary can mean that just as you are "getting it" she'll change the rules completely. You need to flex to her when she does.

You can make loads of money by writing books about parenting.

I tried to " apply" things to my fist DC, now with second I am going with flow, feeding on demand, she sleeps in rocker or Moses when down stairs ( she never sleeps away from me, and from safety aspect its not recommended before 6 months, mine is 6 months).

I feed on demand.
My baby has naturally fallen asleep for her night sleep at 8pm, that's fine with us, mostly she is down until 5am, for quick feed, sometimes, rarely awakes more often.

I am going with her flow, she is falling in with mine anyway - happy mum, happy baby.

emeraldgirl Does it seem to work?

Bridget so well put!
Thats what I was tying badly to say. She is not a problem, all these books treat them as they are a problem that needs to be classified and controlled.

Depends on your DD, but I think by about 12 weeks they have often settled down to a 3 or even 4 hourly pattern when they are on bottles. Don't let her howl her lungs out if she is hungry though.

ooh Alnwick, I have one of those roses!

The great thing about only having one baby is that if you like you can do what the hell you want and just schlep her around with you - dinner parties, restaurants, parks, shopping ... make the most of it!

mydarlingyoni Oooh really? Is it nice? Just planted a whole flippin hedge of them!

SoftlySoftly, yes she has settled well with the three hourly thing... Sleeping better than she was and as I say feeding more calmly. But at nighttime we are just leaving her to wake to feed as and when. So my gut feeling is that this is a good thing to stick with for now. However it came about as a suggestion from one of DH's wretched but well meaning colleagues so now I am doubting it as honestly all the other advice has been counter to my instinct!!

At this age everything is a phase and it changes so fast.

So the bad news is that as soon as you think you know what's going on, it changes. But good news is that as you come to the end of your tether and think you can't cope one more day, it changes.

Since it all changes to much: 1, don't worry about 'rods for your back'. If you feed her to sleep/she only sleeps in pram it won't be forever. Do what works for you both until it stops working, and only then do you need to think about changing it.

2, don't worry too much about consistency. Most 'experts' make you feel like if you 'give in' one day then you will never get your baby to sleep when/where/how you want.of course some level of routine will help some babies, but one or two lapses from this don't matter, in fact as a pp said its better to have a flexible baby as it makes your life easier. So try things. Give them a few days (unless you know straight away that it won't work, as I did with dream feeds which were manifestly useless for us, got ds very worked up and resulted on more wakings). If they don't work, try another approach. You are still getting to know your dd and she is still finding her own preferences. As you try things you will learn what works; you will learn her signals and you will learn how to compromise between her needs and yours.

You are already a great mum because you care enough to come on here and ask for advice, so trust yourself and enjoy it as much as you can.

get dh the wonder weeks - it is sciency and a good read about baby development.

as for naps - whatever gets her to sleep imo - if she can be put down to sleep then fab but my ds was a non put down baby for a while - I read books and beat myself up about it - don't stress and try out different things that work for you and learn her tired signs ( my ds was v subtle haha :-)) - I found it easier going for awake periods than trying for a napping time itms.

Alnwick, I am happier with it than I was with never really knowing when she might be hungry, she had a reflux issue so I was very keen to not over feed just because she had got starving and/or be constantly topping up her tummy because she wanted a snacky feed very very soon after finishing the last one... So yes I think it is working but of course there are times when she is hungry after two hours and if we are not out and about it can be hard to keep her going til the three hour mark. She always eats consistently though, a comfortable size feed each time and not refusing the bottle or crying for more.

I think babies' routines appear like mirages on the horizon. You walk towards it as you see a pattern emerge over a few days, but it begins to get hazy and you wonder if you imagined it. Then it reappears or another one does and eventually after days of walking, that feel like forever, you reach the city of gold. Then your baby starts teething and pukes over the city of gold, but you know it is there and you will find it again one day. Then months go by and you realise you can't remember what it was like not to live in the city of gold.

What we did with DD was to feed on demand, this eventually settle into a routine and try to get her to nap when she seemed tired. This was initially on a lap or sometimes in a Moses basket and then later in her buggy with 10 min rocking. We never got her to nap in her cot and only got a few naps out of her in her bed. She napped well in a cot in nursery. We didn't do controlled crying unti about 14 months and would never have done extinction as it just didn't feel right. No form of CC is recommended before 6 months I think. What we did wasn't perfect, but she seems fine now and will fall asleep on a lap at 2.5 which is lovely.

they do go through loads of growth spurts.

one person I know who is Gina said of her weeks old baby:

" He keeps falling asleep in my arms, I need to stamp that out"

Oh and if three hours routine works then embrace it, never mind where e advice came from. It works for you now, so own it as your own idea.

And yy to babies not being problems that need a solution.