Should I encourage my brother to leave his girlfriend and child?

[applecrumblepie]

I'm usually extremely good at keeping my beak out of other people's personal business - but this one is a hard one:

My brother (S) and girlfriend (C) have been seeing each other for almost two years and have recently had a baby. C already has a DD (4) with someone else. S & C have always had a very tempetuous relationship and they are always falling out (both are as bad as each other). S, until recently has alway gotten on very well with C's dd - she calls him daddy. But the dd is a bit of a spolt brat - C never disciplines dd, allows her to eat junk food and drink red bull (!) So consequently she is very demanding and screams and screeches a lot. Unfortunately S "is not allowed to give dd wrong because he's not her father".

Last night I had my brother round to my house crying his eyes out (I very rarely see him cry). He's had enough of the fighting and arguing and he can't do right for doing wrong. He recently got laid off and C blew his holiday pay, etc on clothes - he wanted to budget the money so it would last a while. Now she's having a go because he hasn't been able to find another job. He gets up during the night to look after the new baby and takes him out for walks, etc but this isn't enough. I think he might be a bit depressed.

S is slowly coming to the conclusion that the arguing isn't good for any of them and, in all honesty, he doesn't want to be in the same shite situation in two years time.

S did actually end the relationship a while ago, but C piped up she was pregnant so he went back to her.

Over the last couple of years I've watched my brother slowly but surely change from the sociable outgoing friendly guy into someone who is down in the dumps most of the time but with this simmering tension underneath ..... almost like he's about ready to blow.

S is coming to the realisation that the relationship has to come to an end for all of their sakes. Should I encourage him to do just that?

No, keep your beak out. Be a listening ear, but remain neutral, or it'll all end very badly.

Incidentally do you mean leave his child? Or her child? If the former, why would he do that?

I'm going to sound very harsh and heartless but what your brother has isn't really a relationship - they are together simply by circumstance.

Has he spoken to her? Has he told her how he feels? If he really feels he wants to leave its better than staying together for no good reason other than they are currently together. Life is too short.

I would sincerely hope he wouldn't ditch the baby along with the mother though?

I know I should - but it's really hard! I think he's contemplating completely ending the relationship but wants to maintain contact with both children. He really doesn't feel as though it's a good environment to bring up two children when all the parents do is fight and argue. I have to say that I agree with him.

Yes StuntGirl - he has spoken to her about it. She told him that if he didn't like it, he can leave - it's her house. Of course he wouldn't ditch the baby. I just hope that if they do split up that she is reasonable about access etc.

I think he is right to break away. He sounds very unhappy.
I feel sorry for the children though. C sounds like a very irresponsible mother.

The phrase "they are both as bad as each other" leaps out at me. We're only getting one side of the story here.

However, regardless of that, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for all concerned, and if your brother does decide to end it, that doesn't mean he can't play an active role as father, even if he is the non-resident parent. Although there's no reason he can't apply for residency if he's doing the lion's share of the work now.

If he's been playing daddy to a 4-year-old, and allowed himself to be called that, then I would think less of him if he walked out of her life completely on the basis that he's not the father. Never move in with someone who has a child living with them unless you've considered what role you're going to play with that child if the relationship goes wrong. If the answer is 'none', you shouldn't move in at all IMO. It's beyond cruel to a child.

Don't meddle. By all means offer a sympathetic ear and if you think the GF is being emotionally abusive in any way, then don't be afraid to say you don't like the way she treats him, but don't press the issue. Leaving is a decision your brother has to make himself and if you force his hand it could backfire on you spectacularly.

He's very unhappy timetoask. Don't get me wrong I do like C - but from what I gather most of the arguments stem from her idea of bringing up children. DD can not eat her tea, but be rewarded with chocolate, has no bedtime routine (she MUST have the TV on all night), she doesn't like getting washed so if she doesn't want to go in the bath then she doesn't. DD can go in to the local shop and pick up a load of sweets or a toy (because she wants them) and C will buy - no questions asked. S thinks that there should be more routine and less of the sweets and red bull crap. He's concerned that baby will be brought up in the same way.

Thanks to you all. I think general opinion is that I keep my nose out but be there to support and be sympathetic.