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To feel a bit upset about friend's wedding?

68 replies

slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 12:55

Longstanding friend of several years, I started a thread at Easter about how she and her DP were starting to be continually late (sometimes by hours) and it was really starting to hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I left it for a few weeks and then she texted me to say she wanted to meet, really exciting news. She's getting married in August in Barbados! And she really wanted us to be there.

Unfortunately, it was going to cost something like £5K for us to be there, and as we already had a holiday booked, it would've meant coming up with the money in 8 weeks; something we're just not in a position to do at the moment. She was understandably disappointed, but the whole thing made me feel like a rubbish friend, like I can't be there for her on her special day because they simply didn't give us enough notice.

I asked if she fancied going out for a meal, or if I could organise her a Hen do, or a party when they got back, but she was really non committal and 'meh' about it.

I'm really upset. She came to my wedding, and I want to do something nice for her to wish her well, but it's like because we're not coming to the wedding, it doesn't matter so just forget it.

I know I'm over reacting, but I'm really upset about it. I'm left feeling like rubbish again (although I'd never tell her) and it's like she more or less wants to brush the whole thing under the carpet?


OP posts:
Fairydogmother · 25/04/2013 12:57


I'd like to see most people be able or willing to come up with that sort of money for a friends wedding in a hurry. even if it had been a close family member i couldnt have gone!

i'd just not bother with her again as she is clearly very out of step with you

firesidechat · 25/04/2013 13:00

You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

It is a huge, huge ask to expect anyone to go to Barbados for a wedding, especially at such short notice. Please don't feel guilty.

JammySplodger · 25/04/2013 13:00

So she was disappointed that you can't magic the money for a familty trip to Barbados and is now having a huff with you for trying to be nice?

YANBU. Your friendship sounds a little way TBH.

slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:01

fairy I'm starting to feel the same way Sad

I don't know if I've just taken it a bit hard and I need to get over it, or whether we're just really out of step.

I find her shockingly thoughtless sometimes; we once had to go to a mutual friend's baby shower (and this girl really needed a break and a bit of friend love), and she called me 20 minutes before I was due to pick her up and left a message on my answerphone to cancel. She didn't see the problem Confused

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slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:02

She's not in a huff with me jammy sorry if I made it sound like that, she's just obviously not into me trying to share in her joy and organise a little party for her or something. I'd have paid for it, as well. Sad

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Nicolaeus · 25/04/2013 13:03

Yanbu thats a horrendous amount of money to go to someone elses wedding!

SIL was bridesmaid for an abroad wedding. All paid for. Then they discovered that DB wasn't included in the package and would need to find 1000 pounds. They didn't go (they dont ever go on holiday as they dont have enough money). The bride sulked for a few months but got over it. Still friends 10 years later.

DiscoDonkey · 25/04/2013 13:03

Tbh it doesn't sound like much of a friendship. Time to step back a bit and down grade her to casual acquaintance maybe?

JammySplodger · 25/04/2013 13:04

OK, it's still very nice of you trying to make an alternative effort for her.

thefirstmrsrochester · 25/04/2013 13:04

I think you need to drop her for the sake of your own happiness.
Utterly ridiculous to expect you up stump up 5k full stop, never mind at short notice.
I suspect she will find friends thin on the ground come her wedding day (and beyond).
Put her out your mind and enjoy your holiday.

slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:05

I would never have asked for her to pay for us to go. Never. And I don't think it's selfish to want to get married abroad. It's probably simpler, in a lot of ways. But to not involve ANYONE else at all, or have a bit of a get together for the people who couldn't make it, or at least pop out for a meal makes me feel like I'm totally left out and not worthy.

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slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:06

thefirst no one else can afford to go. They don't hang out with many people other than us.

I feel bad dropping her without explaining, but it makes me look like a bit of an idiot tbh, doesn't it?

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Fairydogmother · 25/04/2013 13:09

People change and its natural to sometimes end up not that friendly with some people. It can literally feel like a grief process tho if they were a good friend previously!

Weddings abroad are out of the reach of lots of people so you arent alone there. I think it was pretty mean of her to dismiss your other efforts to be part of her wedding experience.

Some brides seem to forget that not everybody is massively into their day tho!

EldritchCleavage · 25/04/2013 13:09

Well, when my friend got married in Barbados (so all her relatives there could attend), it cost nowhere near £5k because she got a group deal on flights with Virgin and had booked out a couple of cheap hotels for everyone.

Your friend doesn't sound very considerate of you, to be honest.

thefirstmrsrochester · 25/04/2013 13:10

Friends make each other feel good. She makes you feel bad. You have tried hard to compromise and it isn't good enough for her. You, in fact, are too good for her.
5k, I'm staggered tbh.

NothingsLeft · 25/04/2013 13:11

YANBU. 5k is shed loads of cash.

Weddings abroad are great but the downside is a lot of people won't be able to afford it or want to go. I'm sure you're not the only ones not going.

A party sounds like a great idea Smile

slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:11

It does fairy I've been really down with it the past few days or so. It's so upsetting, I really thought we were good friends. Sad

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slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 13:13

But nothings I suggested a party and she was very 'mmm yes, we'll sort out a date later' and is very non committal and just unbothered, really.

Which upsets me, because I don't think it's unreasonable to want to be a part of it.

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Pandemoniaa · 25/04/2013 13:15

YANBU. Unfortunately, it is always going to be difficult to expect all your friends to travel to a wedding in Barbados. Of course she is free to choose where and when she gets married but far-flung and expensive destinations will have a negative effect on attendance. Unless the bride and groom can afford to fly all their guests out there, of course.

DiscoDonkey · 25/04/2013 13:16

You don't have to drop her completely just step back, let her make the effort and be less available. One of two things will happen. She will not notice or make any effort or she will maybe pull her head out her arse and realise what a good friend you are.

EldritchCleavage · 25/04/2013 13:17

She's not that bothered about the friendship any more but hoped you'd go to bump up the numbers so they have a good crowd/audience there and aren't looking like Nick and Norma No Mates on the beach on their own with a bored local minster conducting the ceremony?

MooncupGoddess · 25/04/2013 13:17

YANBU but she sounds quite self-absorbed (and planning a wedding tends to make people more self-absorbed rather than less).

If you still enjoy her company then I wouldn't ditch her, but do reduce your expectations or you will get hurt over and over again.

Fairydogmother · 25/04/2013 13:22

Its really not nice to feel 'dropped' by a friend. especially if you placed a high value on the relationship. but that may mean that you were the one who possibly tried to please her in the past?!

i dont mean that negatively but i've been that person and it took me a while to realise that some of my friends were getting far more out of me while i got nothing back!

quesadilla · 25/04/2013 13:26

YANBU. By any stretch of the imagination. She sounds very immature and selfish - as has already been said, what kind of person thinks all their friends can find that kind of money at the drop of a hat?
I had a friend who organized a wedding some years ago in a lavish hotel in Cornwall which required the guests to stay for the preceding week at the hotel for an extended stag/hen. It came about a month after another friend got married in Italy and I said I couldn't afford it. He then sent me a snippy email saying how disappointed he was. I never replied and haven't spoken to him since. People who make no attempt to consider whether others are going to be ruined financially stretched by their weddings don't deserve their friends.

slatternlymother · 25/04/2013 14:19

I just feel really left out. She said she understood we couldn't go etc, and was disappointed but nice enough about it.

I just feel that by not sharing in any way with us their day, it's a bit selfish and undermines years of friendship.

Like I said, I've offered a party or a night out (I'll organise and fund!) so that everyone can say congratulations. But no, she's just really non committal and uninterested. Sad

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fluffiphlox · 25/04/2013 14:27

This is a bit off-piste, but the West Indies is very humid in August. So I'm not sure you're missing much. Also the hurricane season I think, too.

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