To feel very very upset at this

[almost50]

Me and dh are having problems which is another long story but centre around him having let me down over the duration of our marriage (15 years). I have been out of FT work since our dd1 (we have two children) was 2 years old (she is now 11), looking after them. I have been trying to keep my hand in by doing hourly paid work for the past 5 years. We both work at the same place. There is the chance of FT job coming up soon here and dh knows that I would want to apply.

I've just accessed his email (I don't trust him as he has let me down repeatedly in the past and I feel I need to know his plans for the future as I am without secure income and have both myself 2 dds to consider).

It turns out that he has sent an email to a colleague about inviting another candidate (from another organisation) to the interview process when the job's advertised. I feel stabbed in the back. I've been trying so hard to get back to full time work and he knows this.

I feel utterly bereft and am sat here in tears. I feel he is almost whipping up the competition against me. Am I unjustified in feeling so devastated by this? I took an extended child care break to look after our children.

Should I confront him about this? It would mean owning up to reading his emails and then I couldn't check on his plans for the future and would feel even more diesempowered. Please can someone help me as to what I should do in this sitiuation

What a horrible thing to discover. If you feel you need to check his mail in the future then you can't confront him unless you can chat to colleague and see if he spills. However IIWY I'd be planning my own future without him in your life.

One of my usual lines about email snooping is: if you don't trust someone, you don't have a relationship.

There are so many sub-plots in what you've written, I for one would find it very difficult to work with my partner, then spend the evening with them. I know it can work, but co-working couples, there is always going to be a balance ofpower thing, unless your organisation is so big, that you are in totally different departments and your paths never cross.

Also, as unsympathetic as this is going to sound, are you the best person for the job? If you are, then the job will be yours, if you aren't someone else will get it.

Again I accept nepotism is usually how people get a foot in the door, I'm not adverse to doing it myself, I've always said its who you know not what you know that gives you the leg up you need. But how would the company view it? Would your self confidence allow you to think you got the job on your own merits, or would you always feel that it was as a favour to your husband?

But in reality its not about the job its about this one phrase I feel I need to know his plans for the future you think he's going to leave you. That's the thing that needs addressing.

What an absolute bastard. I'm not one for saying LTB but it sounds as if this is not the only problem.

I personally wouldn't confront him unless it could change his actions and make a difference to your getting the job. I would start saving your money somewhere safe that he would have no access to. I would start looking at all avenues of employment, perhaps things I haven't considered before. I would get all my paperwork together ie. birth certificates, passports, bank accounts (someone in the know will come along and tell you what you would need). And I would prepare to leave him, or chuck him out, when the time is right. These are not the actions of a supportive partner.

Hi. This is awful. YANBU to be upset, about his back stabbing and the whole situation.

Re: the job, why do you think he doesn't want you to have it?

Personally I don't think I'd want to work with a DP or DH all day, but in a good relationship that would be something you could talk about. Definitely not ok to sabotage you and not tell you!

you don't say what his responsibilities are re: the position. Is he involved in hiring for it or just making (possibly unasked for) suggestions to his colleague? Is there any chance that this other person is more qualified and he is fulfilling his professional responsibility to try to find the best candidate?

but, aside from all that it sounds like the problems in your marriage are significant. That's no way to live, snooping through his emails on a regular basis because you don't trust him.

Do you want to stay with him? Are you working on things, do you think they're fixable? Is there a chance he's trying to sabotage you at work because he's thinking you might break up and it would be easier if you didn't work together?

I'm sorry. You definitely need to talk, not sure if you need to start by telling him you read the email. Assuming you've already talked about the job could you say something like "I get the feeling you don't want me to apply for/take/get the job" and ask him how he feels about it?

I've not been in a similar situation and I'm sure others will come along with better advice. But I hope you find a good job soon and either improve or move on from this relationship.

Thanks for replying. The situation IS more complex. I was full time at this place of work before giving up to have children. And no, of course I wouldn t want the job out of nepotism. I have had lots of experience and have a good record there. There might be better candidates... but there usually are arent there if the net is cast wide enough. But isn't it something else to try and 'nudge X to apply'? There are so few jobs locally for me and he knows that. We need more money as a family. We already work at the same place, and have in the past. it's doable. We d very rarely come in to contact with each other.

I think our marriage is in danger of breaking up, yes. I stupidly gave up my career to take care of the children (I trusted that we were 'in this together').

I feel so devastated by this and can't stop crying.

Really, you've answered your own question. Your marriage is in a sticky patch, therefore working in the same orgnisation if it does go belly up? It wouldnt be very comfortable, one of you would have to change jobs, I think he's protecting his job security.

I don't know if things are fixable after this. We were trying to slowly work on things for the sake of our two young children. When I said I d felt completely let down in the past by him, he did say he could see how I thought that. I thought he d got the whole 'support' thing. Clearly that was a blip

But we'd hardly see each other. There are people at work who have had relationships and then split up (at least two) and it's all fine. All mature. Doesnt interfere with their work

Is the role something he would line manage or work closely with? Could be a genuine thing that X person is a better candidate and comes better equipped to do the job, if they have a good solid reputation within the industry.

The exact criteria for the job hasnt been formally specified yet. The other factor upsetting me is that the colleague who he sent an email to would be someone who has agreed to be my referee (We've worked very well together over the years and I recently submitted an application form to another place and he helped me prepare that and is supportive of me, realises how hard it is to get back into work after childcare breaks etc). Dh might have some input in terms of appt but at a distant level.. Wouldnt be on interviewing panel

It's a big can of worms you are going to open by confessing to reading his emails (Curiosity gets me, work or private emails?). The fall out from that could be more than you bargained for.

I think I would go round the houses, maybe saying something like, "when is the job going to be advertised, do you know if there are any other candidates", thereafter you can gauge his reaction and say something like "you don't sound too pleased I'm considering applying for it".

Of course, we are all assuming the worst - might it be that X candidate is so awful that they will make you shine even more?

It was work email so not personal. In the past we've both accessed each other's work emails as we've worked at the same place and it's been useful in getting information on work related matters. I d stopped doing that for a time and then our relationship started to go downhill and I suppose I d had enough of him letting me down and got frightened that I was going to be left with no financial support, hence I started to access them again - and found this.

I think you've got bigger issues to deal with than this job - sharing work email may be convenient but I'm guessing it breaches your IT policy, which places both your jobs at risk.

I'm not sure it's reasonable to be so upset about the job. He suggested another candidate - presumably it's a competitive process so you would be up against other people who may or may not be stronger. If you're the right person you'll be appointed, better that happens in competition with strong candidates. It may be he genuinely thinks this person would be better, isn't as comfortable working with you as you think, has his own concerns about you going back to work full time. You won't know until you speak to him. If you don't feel you can tell him you've been snooping in his email, don't do it cos the chances are you'll find something that merits discussion that you then can't talk about and get overly upset over.

As someone said up thread - no trust, no relationship.

This must be awful for you, but I would suggest (after you have had a dn good cry) you get your CV sorted and apply for this job!
Tell him after you have applied. And tell him you expect his support. After all if you split up, it would be financially better for him to have you in full time work.

It was a totally shitty thing for him to do.

Do you think your husband secretly likes having you on the back foot, slightly beholden to him being the main wage earner. Do you think he may feel threatened if you secure an important role or that he may have to change his lifestyle and deal with more child care than he wants to. I can't under stand why he just didn't stay out of it, as you say the role is not directly linked to him at all.

The job would give me financial independence along with a feeling of worth so that's quite a big thing. These things mediate relationships. Jobs like this come up rarely. And though most certainly he didn t force me to take a career break, he has benefited from me doing so in lots of ways. I left my friends and support network with a toddler to go with him to another country to support his career. I made the mistake of assuming reciprocal support and loyalty (because what else is a marriage about?).

Trifle, I think probably it s that he doesn t think of MY needs or career.

I would be really upset if I had a partner whipping up the competition on a job I wanted very much.

I think his offer it is so strangely disloyal heartless or completely unaware, as to be weird. It sounds like he is actively sabotaging your plans . Has he any respect for you anyway?

I could understand your crying on this one. Your last lines that he probably doesn't think of your needs or career is telling. Maybe you need to focus on that i.e. the bigger picture and take it from there.

I ve now asked him about it, saying how I felt it was like stabbing me in the back before I'd even been given a fighting chance. His response?: 'oh the other guy probably wouldn't be appointed anyway...'. I tried explaining that that wasnt the point. This morning I was still in tears at the kitchen table. He walked out and went to work without saying anything.

He doesn't give a shit.

You need to get this job, or another, and kick him out.

I wonder if he doesn't want you to get a job because it means you will have money with which to leave.

This way, he feels you are trapped?

you are not, by the way. But perhaps this is his thinking.

I do feel trapped, and especially now. I took an extended career break to child care. I had my kids late and now I feel so old (50 this year) in terms of thinking about something new. These sorts of jobs come up so rarely and while it s by no means certain that I would have bn appointed, I would have loved at least a fighting chance. He s talked up another person to a member of staff who d be on the selection and interviewing panel. That person will read that as a) almost50 isnt serious about this post and her dh is indirectly telling me thus. Or b) even her dh doesnt think she s worth having on board

Look: confront him.
You need tot ell him how you feel and see whether he'll understand.
Try to remain calm instead of having a proper argument.
Admit that it is not the best thing ever that you went and looked at his emails and let him know you have to take care of the relationship and understand why he's done to you in the career side of things.