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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to escalate this?

17 replies

ElleMcFearsome · 24/04/2013 13:26

I'll try to be brief but I've got the rage...

I go to a group once a week, it's sort of faith based but more about relaxation. Nice, calm people and I really enjoy going. Afterwards there's tea and chat. At my last meeting a member of the group was opining (loudly) to one of the other members about her job which involves working with the 18-24 age group, part of which involves her outreaching to a course. She described the young people who had just finished the course as "feral", "hopeless" and coming from "awful families".

My DD has just finished the course, having moved to live with me after living with her DF and SM for 3 years as her SM can't nurse her DF through terminal cancer and care for her. She'd got good GCSEs and had started A Levels so had to leave college when she moved. She starts again at our local college in the autumn, and is now working 2 jobs: at a local cafe during the day and in a fast food chain at night. She is neither feral, nor hopeless, and we are certainly not an awful family! The course helped her SO much - she's made friends there (none of them are remotely feral!) and it really helped her settle in to her new town.

Having checked I was wearing my big girl pants, I explained the above, very calmly to the group member (even though I was shaking with fury) and suggested that in future, she was more discreet about discussing her client group - it's a small town we live in. She didn't really say much, went a bit Blush and shrugged it off. I'm still cross. WIBU to write to the course leader (who I met at the end of course presentation) and tell him how this person was behaving? DH said that I'd said my piece and now I should leave it, but I feel quite Angry about anyone working with young people who has that little respect for them.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 24/04/2013 13:30

YANBU. This would give me the rage as well.

She owes you a huge apology. And deserves an official reprimand.

(I used to work in this field and sadly there are too many people who are unprofessional, although there are also many wonderful people as well).

mmmerangue · 24/04/2013 13:31

Yes I would write and I would mention that when you brought her up on it she didn't think there was anything wrong with her comments either.

If she had been hugely embarrassed and apologised or explained herself it could have been different.

CocacolaMum · 24/04/2013 13:32

That's terribly unprofessional, hopefully karma will catch up with her. Obviously only you know will know whether it is worth making a complaint, I might be tempted though. YANBU

Molehillmountain · 24/04/2013 13:33

It depends how involved you want to get, but fwiw, I think she has shown shocking indiscretion and although probably not formally, has also broken confidentiality rules in spirit. People on the course you describe need to feel safe as I'm sure they share personal feelings. The lady you describe has demonstrated that she doesn't respect those young people. As I type I am becoming outraged on their behalf. I teach and I see it as a really important quality not to judge the young people I am involved with. Sounds as if your dd is a great young lady and deserves to work with people who value the effort she has made to get where she is.

You would be within your rights not to take it further-you don't have to crusade, but equally I believe that this woman has behaved badly and you could complain. To say what she said within her own four walls would show that she was in the wrong job. To say it in a public venue is shocking

Original poster
ElleMcFearsome · 24/04/2013 13:36

Unexpected - absolutely regarding other people who work in the field. DDs course leaders were bloomin' marvellous.
Mmm - yeah, that lack of 'OMG I'm SO sorry-ness' got to me quite abit.
Coca - I'm undecided about complaining, but I do think that a brief reminder about professionalism and confidentiality from her employer might not go amiss.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 24/04/2013 13:40

I would be upset and angry too and admire you for speaking up at the time.

I think that woman is dragging the course and its aims and critically, its participants into disrepute and if you feel it's the right thing to do, contact the course leader. I would question whether the ethos of the whole thing has really escaped her and if she is fit to deal with sensitive issues.

Glad your DD had found it a help and has been able to move on.

Tweasels · 24/04/2013 13:40

I'd say something to her employers. I work in a similar (or maybe the same) job and I have colleagues who go on like that and it's a disgrace. It mystifies me why people like that choose to work with Young People.

If you say something she will hopefully be offered further training to help her deal with her attitude and poor grasp of professionalism.

montage · 24/04/2013 13:44

I would definately say something to the course leader. You can make him aware even if you don't want to make an official complaint. They should know.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 24/04/2013 13:47

Yes, take this matter to the course leader. Her behaviour was appalling.

MarmaladeTwatkins · 24/04/2013 13:50

YANBU. What an awful way to talk about people you're supposedly helping.

Original poster
ElleMcFearsome · 24/04/2013 13:52

Oh thanks all - you've convinced me that I will write to detail my concerns. As Molehill said - there wasn't a specific confidentiality breach but it did feel a bit dicey and I was concerned about her views.

OP posts:
LippiPongstocking · 24/04/2013 13:52

Definitely NBU - Go for it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/04/2013 14:22

I facilitate a course for people with housing issues. We get a mixed bag of people and of course some have huge challenges. We get speakers in to talk to the group. I would be horrified at one of my speakers feeling like this about my clients, let alone talking about it.

You are right to contact them about your concerns. AFAIK all my speakers talk in warm terms about the course and the participants. Word of mouth is very important.

TSSDNCOP · 24/04/2013 14:27

First well done for getting your BGP's on. Bravo!

I'm staggered she didn't just dig a giant hole and get in at that point.

I think it's sort of OK to vent a bit about your job, most of us do, unless you work with vulnerable people. That's just so indiscreet and unprofessional.

I do not think you'd be unreasonable to write to the course manager TBH.

Fillyjonk75 · 24/04/2013 14:31

Someone so judgemental (especially when their judgement is plainly wrong) shouldn't be in that kind of work. I would certainly make a complaint against her. You did very well standing up to her like that as well, OP. Brilliant.

LemonPeculiarJones · 24/04/2013 14:39

Wow. Definitely make a complaint.

Quite apart from her noxious, undermining views, she must be incredibly stupid to express herself so freely.

She shouldn't be working there, should she?

'Feral'? Fucking hell. Angry for your DD.

LemonPeculiarJones · 24/04/2013 14:40

And yes, we'll done for having the presence of mind to counteract her crap in front of the group!

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