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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I have a sex phobia!

16 replies

plim · 24/04/2013 11:19

So, dh and I have been married for 10 yrs and have 3 lil ones 7,4,18mths. We have had a tough couple of years - dh lost his job and has been depressed and things have been financially strained as we sold and bought a house recently, changed the kids schools etc. Anyway, cut to the chase - we have had sex once in two years and 2 bjs in between! I cannot stand the thought of it to be honest, I'm still breastfeeding, am finding it hard to shift the baby weight this time so have no interest in sexual stuff at all. Tmi but had traumatic births with dc2 and 3, third degree damage and still doesn't feel right. Dh has been awful to live with and I have been supporting him emotionally while he has counselling but he has a short fuse and has been vile to the kids a few times doing stuff like kicking my daughter up the backside, flicking my sons ear and pushing him etc - the counsellor is dealing with it apparently. Anyway, he has a new job and financially we are straight, I just can't bring myself to even think about sex with him. I totally trust him and I do live him but it turns me off when he is horrible to the children and behaves like a bully. Is my marriage over? Should I just grit my teeth and think if England?

OP posts:
Original poster
plim · 24/04/2013 11:21

Sorry bloody auto text mistakes in there "I still love him" not live him!

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 11:26

You need to leave him. He's abusive....depressed or not it's NOT ok to kick a child. You have no reason to sleep with a man like that...why the fuck would you sleep with a man who'd kicked your child!

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 24/04/2013 11:28

Has he improved since the counselling? Or is he still bullying and hurting the children but reasons that it's ok because the counselor is going to 'fix' him?

ballinacup · 24/04/2013 11:29

To be totally honest, a man that did such childishly bullying things as flicking my son's ear, or kicking my daughter wouldn't get me going either.

He's an abusive arsehole. And even more abusive because he directs his 'anger' and 'depression' at children. I doubt very much he'd flick the ear of a large, burly bloke in the pub, would he?

Papyrus · 24/04/2013 11:29

I don't think you have a sex phobia.

If your DH is being an arse to you and the children its bound to turn you off having sex with him.

Depression is awful, but no excuse for bullying behaviour.

Is he on ADs? Are his moods improving with counselling?

Strangemagic · 24/04/2013 11:30

He behaves like a bully because he is a bully.His behaviour towards your children is disgusting,he is the last person in the entire world anyone would want to have sex with because he is an abuser,think of your children and leave.

Original poster
plim · 24/04/2013 11:31

Better but still shouts at them. He was hit by his father and counsellor says its a common thing to repeat behaviour. He is otherwise a brilliant dad, its a bit Jekyll and Hyde.

OP posts:
NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 11:32

When did he last hurt or humiliate your children?

AshokanFarewell · 24/04/2013 11:32

No. You absolutely should not have sex with him if you don't want to. I can see why you wouldn't want to, he sounds awful and that behaviour wouldn't just be a turn off for me, it would be a cue for me to show him the door. No matter how depressed he has been or how difficult your finances have been, he should not take that out on your children.

TattyDevine · 24/04/2013 11:33

Regarding the sex thing, if you feel that badly about sex with him, I'm trying to imagine how you can get that back.

How do you feel (hypothetically of course) about sex with someone else? Think of a man you secretly fancy - if not a real one then the hottest man on TV or whatever, would he be able to get you going if he was all romantic and interested in you? Because if he could, but your husband can't then there is a problem.

I'm not saying that a husband of many years etc should be able to get you as hot as whoever you fancy in celebville if they were to actually turn up and have a go, no, but you know what I mean hopefully.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 24/04/2013 11:34

tatty that's not really a valid "test" by the sound of it, the OP has had such a bad time, she'd probably not fancy sex with anyone at the moment.

AshokanFarewell · 24/04/2013 11:35

The Jekyll and Hyde thing can be even scarier than someone who is just a bully all the time, as you never know what behaviour is going to set them off.

HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 24/04/2013 11:38

His childhood is not an excuse for his behaviour and both of you need to realise this. Your children do not deserve to grow up in an environment where they are constantly on edge, wondering if it's the nice or the nasty Daddy today.

Original poster
plim · 24/04/2013 12:19

I know, my intention is to give him the chance to rectify things with counselling and if that doesn't work then it will be the end.

OP posts:
TattyDevine · 24/04/2013 14:16

"tatty that's not really a valid "test" by the sound of it, the OP has had such a bad time, she'd probably not fancy sex with anyone at the moment."

Well that's sort of the point though really - if she thinks that she would kick anyone out of bed no matter how hot then it may not actually be a problem that she doesn't fancy her husband.

The violence and general fuckwittery is more of an issue in my opinion, but even if that didn't exist, being totally revolted by sex with him but not potential other partners is possibly a big enough problem in itself.

If its just sex that is off the agenda, not him, then you may have something to work on regardless of violence problems.

AnyFucker · 24/04/2013 14:27

If any man treated my children like that, he would get a boot up his arse right out the door, never to return

Why are you staying with a man that hurts and humiliates his children ?

I have no comment on the rest of your post.

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