To be upset at not being able to give my DCs what I had

[Lostinthepast]

I kinda know I'm being unreasonable but at the same time don't know how to change or get over how I'm feeling.

My father built up a business from nothing and was a multi-millionaire. We lived in a house that I saw recently sold for £4m. Growing up I had everything a child could dream of and had a truly idyllic childhood. Happy family, beautiful country house, fantastic education, material things, expensive holidays ... you get the idea.

My father died very suddenly when I was 16 (he was only 44) and the house was sold, and life changed. There is no money left in the family but it has never bothered me as I was happy to stand on my own feet and carve out my own path.

I'm in my late 30s now with two DC and it has only been recently that I can't stop thinking about the past. I look at our old house online and feel sick and tearful that I can never, ever give them that. I'm very happily married, we own a small 3 bed semi, are very close to extended family on both sides so my DCs have a lot of people in their lives who adore and spoil them ... But I just feel I've failed at life and I just wish I could give them my childhood.

material things arent everything to some people , a comfortable home and loving parent/s are all any child wants .

Coming from a culture where the great outdoors means everything, swimming in the sea, roaming the woods, always having plenty of space and massive amounts of freedom, it has been quite hard for me to accept that I could not give dc what I had.

They are not things like material goods where you can easily take the moral high ground and feel superior because you do without them. They are intrinsically good things and there is no denying it.

Even harder because dd was disabled, so lots of the things that didn't cost anything that I had as a child, she couldn't have either. I roamed the neighbourhood on my second hand bike when I was 10, she was in a wheelchair. Those things hurt.

But gradually, I have come to realise that she has had a worthwile childhood, just not the one I had. She has had good friends (much better than I did), she has had the freedom of the city if not of the countryside, she has had a lovely drama club and plenty of opportunity to get involved in things that give her pleasure and expand her mind. The essentials- a loving family, jokes, warmth, happiness- are the same, other things are different but not inferior.

Money does NOT buy happiness. You had a happy childhood OP despite of the money, not because of it. I know a wealthy family where the wife drinks in secret, the kids spend their (excessive) allowance on coke, and the dad works all hours and never sees any of them. They might have material wealth, but they certainly don't have much happiness. In life you make your own happiness, it comes from within. We all need enough to live on, but more than that is not a passport to an idyllic childhood.

Even without parents dying (I'm sorry about your father - that must have been tough when you were so young) the economy being what it is, and house prices being absolutely feckin' mental - most people I know could not possibly offer their children the things they had in their childhood.

I went to private school, and we were pretty wealthy until things went a bit well, south, but anyway - obviously a lot of my friends also went to private school. We generally have decent jobs - the same types of things our parents do. Some of them are now married have kids/thinking about kids.

None of us can afford private school. The cost of living is just too high in comparison to when we were children.

So, please don't worry about what you can and can't buy, or how big your house is. This is normal to your children - they aren't going to be bothered by million pound houses they know are out of the reach of 99% of people.

They will remember having a loving family and parents who cared about them, and you obviously do.

I feel the same as the OP but I must have terrible children as mine DO know they're missing out. (They are 17,14 and 13) They are upset that they can't go on the school ski trips, they don't like having to share a bedroom and wish they could just once go on an aeroplane and have a foreign holiday (something my brother and I did at least once a year)
Yes they feel secure and loved and have the best we can offer but they can never have the best and that makes me feel a failure compared to my parents. I didn't grow up listening to the phrase "l'll see how we are come payday" If I asked for new shoes or a school trip cheque.

Ah, they're not terrible - they're teenagers!

Thanks for the messages, it has helped me actually, I thought I might just get a virtual slap!

I think a lot of it is that I am really sad about my Dad never meeting my DCs. My 9 month old reminds people of him. It was a huge shock and loss when he died and happened right in front of me. I wish I could do what he did financially but you are right it's not "the stuff" although I know my DD would love a pony and things like that!

for myself , i grew up in a home which was a battle ground >physically ,mentally, emotionally, it was a war zone ,thou my sister and i had everything expected ,clothes ,holidays ,school trips , what did i want ?2 parents who would either stop knocking the shit out of one another day in,day out ,or get fucking divorced,so i and my sister could have a life like the other kids. So ,(imo) love your kids ,praise your kids when praise is due, and "show them the way " to adulthood, they really will love you for it (imo).at risk of "highjacking " thread ,i was sent abroad,when i did not want to go ,so my parents could show that we were ,what?ok?had cash?............

Most people live in a 3-bed semi or smaller, and can't afford private education, so do you see them as having "failed" as well? And are you saying therefore that you'd be better than others if you had all those material things? I can't see anything wrong with your life TBH. Happiness certainly doesn't depend on living in a "beautiful country house" and having "material things".

I feel so similar OP!!! I don't want my children to grow up in a cramped terrace without a decent garden when I had such a splendid childhood. That's one of the main reasons why we will be moving house when we have them so they can have a lovely village to live in and the hobbies I enjoyed. Feeling the way you do is natural, but try to accept it if you can. What happened to all the money? Surely you inherited?

I don't think that anyone else has succeeded or failed at life at all. Just me personally, I feel I had so much and now I don't. It has never bothered me except now, when I want to give my DCs what I had.

What happened to the money is another story, but no I didn't inherit a penny and never will. That is fine though, what I have I've worked for, and I have no issues with that at all!

While my childhood wasn't as affluent as yours, we did have a detached house in the country, a pony, lots of holidays abroad. Like you I feel guilty that I can't provide that for my children - as a single parent money is just too tight, and I have a terraced house with a small garden. It's fine, it does, but I wish I could offer more.

But my childhood was miserable all the same and hopefully my DCs won't be :)

You CAN give your DC's what you had, in terms of love and happiness and a great childhood.

I completely understand (not about losing a parent though) as my childhood was very Enid Blyton meets The Goonies... growing up free to roam by the ocean. and endless summers (it was only the South West of England, so my endless summers were rather soggy!).

I elsewhere now, and I sometimes am sad that my children don't have all the experiences I did. I often google my old house (the bastards have butchered it!! lol) and am often to be found gazing out of the window daydreaming.

BUT. My children ARE having a 'perfect' childhood, here in our rented cottage far away from the sea. They have love, laughter, security, and parents who adore them.

You really do have to make the most of what you've got. I'm not saying you should 'settle' (though there is an element of that!) but rather you accept the here and now and live it to the full. Since I decided to make the most of the present, whilst still loving the past, the future looks a lot more rosey and I am much much more happy.

Saying that, if the opportunity arose I'd whisk the family back down to the sea to live... but that may well not be the wisest move. x

YANBU to feel how you do. YABU to think you're failing in any way.

Apologies for the typos, I have crumbs in my keyboard!

YABU I'll give you a virtual slap OP!

There are children who have nothing who are starving to death right now or dying because there are no antibiotics for them.

Please don't whinge because you are not a millionaire. That is asking for a bit more than a virtual slap imho.