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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or do I have to just put up with this? MIL related

129 replies

Pinkflipflop · 23/04/2013 19:46

MIL is going to help with childcare when I return to work so I know we are very lucky. However despite the fact that I am 33 and by no means a spring chicken MIL treats me like I don't really know what I'm doing with my ds.

Example
He's 11 weeks and was talking to my dh about starting him Farley rusks now as 'a little taste' despite me stating that he will not be weaned until 6 months
She is going to stop medication prescribed by the GP for my ds as she doesn't think he should have it
She tells me to hold my ds differently to how I am, e.g. If he facing away from me and well supported she'll say oh turn him round
She stands over me when I'm feeding him and just watches, which I find so annoying.

He has really dry skin on his face and it's itchy, so I use the babygros with scratch mits as I don't want his face scratched, I came home today with a big old bleeding scratch on his face. I asked why the scratch mits weren't on and she said she was afraid his hand would go deformed Hmm. I tried to say look there wouldn't be scratch mits on the babygros if there was a danger of this but, no I'm wrong.
I know he will get lots of bumps and scratches in his life but I was very clear that I didn't want his hands scratching his face. FWIW I always allow him to use his hands to touch and explore and feel but then I cover them up again. I'm rubbish at trimming his nails, so I know the scratch issue is partly my fault.

I'm probably very PFB and my ds is only 11 weeks. I was away for 2 days on a work course so that's why she was with him.

I'm worried about how ill feel towards her when I go back to work (she will be doing 1 day a week). I really don't want my wishes ignored.

Do I have to bite my tongue? She said to my dh today that she has had lots of children so she knows what she is doing but she hasn't had my child before!

How do I get around this without falling out? I would never be disrespectful to her as my dh adores his dm and I adore him iykwim?!

Sorry for the ramble!

OP posts:
seeker · 23/04/2013 21:15

Stick to things that are important, is my advice. The leaving outside one makes you sound a bit over anxious. However, the weaning and the medication is important.

But pick your battles.

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 23/04/2013 21:16

I'm completely serious about the hand thing. I asked her why he was outside and she said to sleep.

It's just a catalogue of annoyances and the poster who said she irritates me is completely right.

OP posts:
FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 23/04/2013 21:17

Stopping prescribed medications and leaving baby outside would be biggies for me.

Is there a diplomatic way, eg it is not about her but about you (even if not true)' or some practical problem, eg childminder refuses to have only two days, minimum is three and such a great childminder, etc?

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 23/04/2013 21:17

Do I sound over anxious? Really? I sort of want to know if I do!

OP posts:
foslady · 23/04/2013 21:17

Would you be able to do your job effectively if MIL was your childcare?

Think that answers your question.....

DontmindifIdo · 23/04/2013 21:18

I think you need to tell your DH all this and ask him how he's going to make his mum care for your DS the way you want, that if he doesn't think he can, you'll go ahead and book alternative childcare. Don't give her a probationary period, how the hell would you say to him then "I've decided your mum isn't looking after DS well enough" and then do a settling in period with a new childcare, find someone you trust on short notice.

Believe me, the first few weeks back at work leaving your baby are tough, you will feel weepy and worried about leaving your DS as it is, this is when you are 100% certain the care is as good as (or better!) the care you could do yourself. Throw in thinking "shit, what state will he be in when I get home? Will she have left him outside? Will she have lied about giving him medicine? What will she have fed him?" etc and you'll be no use to anyone.

Start researching other options now, if you go for a nursery you could present it to your MIL that you would like DS to have a group based childcare to get used to other children... If you go for a childminder, it;s because while DS is an only child, it'll be like being in a home with older siblings and really good for DS to get used to then for when you have the next DC... you'd like MIL to be more of a "proper granny" not the 'help'. Much better this way... Don't back down though.

marzipananimal · 23/04/2013 21:20

I don't think you sound over anxious. Baby in pram in an enclosed garden is probably fine, but out the front - absolutely no way!!!

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 23/04/2013 21:20

V useful dontmind I like that idea!

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 23/04/2013 21:21

Oh and I'd ask your DH to justify not giving your DS medicine and leaving him outside and going against weaning guidelines - not saying he's "sure she knows what she's doing" ask him to justify what she is actually doing - if he can't ask him why his mothers feelings are more important than yours and your DS's safety? Make him see you will never be happy with his mother doing childcare. This is not a problem tht will go away so he can help you manage it or he can just head in sand and then you will tell your MIL straight out that you think she's not looking after DS well enough.

Bobyan · 23/04/2013 21:30

Don't let her look after him, it will be much harder to let her start and then tell her that she isn't good enough. She sounds like an accident waiting to happen...

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/04/2013 21:36

I agree that it will be harder if you do let her start off.

Out of interest how did the "I want to wean someone else's baby off prescribed medication" conversation happen.

I cannot think of any circumstances where a rational person would even say that.

Original poster
Pinkflipflop · 23/04/2013 21:40

I overheard her talking to dh about it and when he was making next feed she said don't put any of that in his bottle. I said absolutely put it in his bottle followed by filthy look.

She makes me feel like I am a little girl who hasn't a clue!

OP posts:
Bearcrumble · 23/04/2013 21:42

I'm quite shocked she left the baby in the pram outside in the front garden. I know everyone did it in my mum's day but it just isn't done now.

Also not wanting to give medication that he needs or he voms.

No, sorry - you are not being over-cautious or PFB. I wouldn't leave any child with her.

Bearcrumble · 23/04/2013 21:44

Also if she says something you disagree with and you tell her what's what - remember there is nothing she can do!

You may feel all anxious about the confrontation but the fact is that you have the power as he is your son. She can't do anything if you don't allow her to.

FunnyBigToe · 23/04/2013 21:46

It sounds like you can't trust her and she sounds the sort that would go behind your back and give him rusks or withhold meds whether you or your DH spoke to her about it, she just wouldn't tell you, that is not someone you want to leave your baby with. Definitely find other childcare.

DontmindifIdo · 23/04/2013 21:47

OP - there's no justification for not giving a child prescribed medicine if the parents want too, she's not good childcare, she's just free.

You arne't being over cautious, you are just not leaving your child with someone who won't look after them safely.

A good test, if you were paying a childminder and they did any of this, would you think twice about removing them from that childminder's care? If not, then you aren't being precious.

YouDontWinFriendsWithSalad · 23/04/2013 21:48

I don't think you sound over anxious, OP. I wouldn't mind about the garden thing BUT there needed to be an adult with him, especially if it was out the front!

Big red flag with the medication statement, that is not just a difference of opinion in how things should be done, it could be dangerous in the future.

Please find alternative childcare. Dontmind's suggestions are good BUT they do leave some room for argument. So practise saying something firmly like "this is best for us all, thank you", and then repeating it until she gets bored of asking.

SonShines · 23/04/2013 21:52

Get proper childcare - this sounds hellish now and it will only get worse.

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2013 21:55

You need to take her to the doctor with you and let him/her make an absolute show of her. It's disgraceful that she's trying to withhold his medication.

redwellybluewelly · 23/04/2013 22:01

Book a nursery or childminders place.

Just do it.

Seriously.

This isn't going to get any better and its far easier to take the moral high ground when your job isn't relying on her watching (or not) your son. Also your DH needs to grow a pair.

quoteunquote · 23/04/2013 22:07

OP, the short answer is grow a pair (you are his mum), the long is

You need to take her by the hand and ask her to sit down, explain that she needs to listen to you,

Dearest MiL, this is non negotiable, either you completely without complaint or opinion , comply with all of my wishes as regards to DS, or I will choose childcare for him that does, do you think you are able to do that?

If she says yes then tries to add a but, say no the buts are the bit that doesn't work for me or DS.

Walk away it will never work for you or your son who is the person you are meant to be doing your very best for.

if she stand over you when you are feeding, say "go away'

She has had children, but we all know a lot more since then, so unless she has up to date training, she is out of date, and there is nothing more dangerous than someone who is too arrogant to take on board new information.

Ask her if her MiL ran the show for her, and how that made her feel?

Explain you want to work with her, but unless she is able to follow your wishes honestly you can't.

Then it's up to her, you have offered, she probably wondering why you are such a push over.

If she has any questions send her on here, lots of knowledgeable people,

ask her to start a thread ,

1, will mitts deform my grandson's hands?
2, should I feed a rusk to my grand son even if his mum (DiL) says no?
3, should I stop the medicine the doctor prescribed for GS, even if his parents want him to have it?

tell her to ask here,

You need to be the one who decides how your son is raised,

greenformica · 23/04/2013 22:11

The baby out side and medicine withholding would make me arrange proper care with a childminder. Just do it and then tell them after. Explain to your DH that anyone could have walked off with your DD and that tis the final straw. You need to put babies saftey first above his/MIL's wishes.

greenformica · 23/04/2013 22:13

She is doing lots of things against your wishes at the end of tha day (rusks, mittens,pram outside, medicine). Advice has changed over the years and she needs to be led by your wishes/knowledge. It would be fine for her to make gentle suggestions but not enforce her idea of parenting against your wishes.

nametakenagain · 23/04/2013 22:14

I don't think that parents or grandparents are always the best judge of what is best for the children BUT

At this point, with your new baby, you need to be supported. Your MIL needs to be reminded of what this time feels like, and to listen to you. Can you enlist your dh to help explain that it needs to be a joint endeavour? You need to be able to trust each other,a nd support each other in the tricky business of looking after a small child. Or non-one will be happy.

Mamacj · 23/04/2013 22:14

Will ur mil not feel really hurt if ur mum is doing child care 2 days a week. My baby goes to nursery, I have 2 sets of very keen grandparents who are chomping at the bit to see ds. Sometimes I do think to myself that I am handing my ds over to some poorly paid young girl when he could be with loving grandparents who wouldn't do what I told them but they do it their own way in nursery anyway!