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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to be a little disappointed or am I grabby, ungrateful and entitled?

66 replies

cheltenham84 · 23/04/2013 00:02

Bit of background. dh is main earner in household. I work very part time. Dh often gets good bonus's. When he gets them he often treats himself and the dc. This year he brought himself an I pad and spent extra on xmas presents for dc. (ie they got tablets too)
So whilst i can use the ipad when he isn't around everything is of course set up for him eg facebook accounts etc so before christmas I said I was going to get a tablet but never did bother.
More recently he has worked out that there is something which the IPAD doesn't do which others can (over my head)
So lo and behold I am getting a tablet as my birthday present from dh and everyone else who would buy me a gift (ds let it slip) Now I know it's an expensive present and I am sure many people would love to get one but can't afford it
So am I ungrateful or right to feel a little disappointed.

OP posts:
HungryClocksGoBackFourSeconds · 23/04/2013 00:05

I don't get it, you wanted an Ipad, and now you're getting one you're pissed off?

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/04/2013 00:07

I can work out that you are disappointed but not why you are.perhaps I'm misreading

iloveshortshorts · 23/04/2013 00:07

Sorry im also confused

MonstersInception · 23/04/2013 00:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fuckwittery · 23/04/2013 00:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Picturesinthefirelight · 23/04/2013 00:09

Do you mean you want an IPad but he's buying you a different tablet because he wants access to one of those too?

iloveshortshorts · 23/04/2013 00:10

Oh is it because he wants a more updated Ipad so hes getting one for you but really he wants it for himself.

Am i right?

TeamEdward · 23/04/2013 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cheltenham84 · 23/04/2013 00:13

Sorry I had had a rough day today so op probably garbled.
What I was trying to say is that I am a little fed up that dh goes out and buy an ipad for himself just because he wants one.
However, I only get one (not an ipad) by forfeting (sp) birthday presents from everyone. Plus dh clearly wants me to get one so he can also use it. (as he is disappointed that IPad apparently doesn't do something he wants it to)

OP posts:
Bobyan · 23/04/2013 00:18

Ask him to return what he buys you because you want an iPad...

Original poster
cheltenham84 · 23/04/2013 00:19

cross posts. Yes I think he clearly intends to use certain functionality on my tablet.
Guess I am also feeling unappreciated. A chunk of bonus always seems to be spent on himself and dc but he never suggests that I should treat myself or even buy me a token present. I know I can go and buy what I want/need but I tend not to do that.

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 23/04/2013 00:22

Have you actually tried talking to him about it?

Original poster
cheltenham84 · 23/04/2013 00:22

Couldn't do that bobyan as when we were originally discussing tablets suggested that ipad was probably not worth the additional expense. Sure loads of people will correct me on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
cheltenham84 · 23/04/2013 00:24

Well he asked me what i wanted for birthday and I mentioned something different. Guess time to discuss it is on birthday when I get the gift.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 23/04/2013 00:26

I get you. A birthday present is a treat whereas in your home it's normal.

I'd be pissed off too.

Not that I ever have any chance of such wealth but I do understand where you're coming from.

IneedAsockamnesty · 23/04/2013 00:36

I understand now.

So why don't you just go out and buy yourself one now. Well not right now perhaps wait till morning

Snazzynewyear · 23/04/2013 00:38

Yes, either say you want an iPad yourself, or suggest he gets himself the tablet, passes on his iPad to you but then of course you will need a different birthday present as passing on an unwanted item doesn't count. Reminds me a bit of Homer buying Marge a bowling ball for her birthday.

LittleYellowBall · 23/04/2013 00:42

Buy yourself an ipad, if you can afford it.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/04/2013 00:43

So do you get any money to spend on yourself? If you want/need something like new footwear or a haircut, can you just go and get whatever it is, or do you have to ask permission?
Of course, it's nice and perfectly reasonable for all surplus money to be spent on treating DC rather than adults, but that's not what's happening in your family - your H is treating himself and DC, which does give out the message that you are the person in the family who doesn't actually matter.

Snazzynewyear · 23/04/2013 00:51

No, don't wait till your birthday. Have the discussion first and remind him that you really want X. It's harder to change anything once the item has been bought and is there in front of you.

alwayslateforwork · 23/04/2013 00:56

Well, if you just didn't bother before Christmas, you could just go and get one now, couldn't you? And as it's a secret and all, you couldn't be expected to know... And presumably he was okay with you treating yourself to an iPad before Christmas, (as it was just that you didn't bother to go and get one) so it wasn't as though he was deliberately treating himself and the kids, it was just that you didn't bother to go and get what you wanted at the time?

And he will probably keep whatever the new tablet is for himself, with the functionality he wants, and buy you something else for your birthday...

Job done.

I get that you are pissed about the unwanted tablet, but he probably thinks he's doing a good thing, getting you something you wanted, but didn't get round to getting. And your birthday is a good excuse. And it saves him thinking of something else, when he already knows what you want...

alwayslateforwork · 23/04/2013 01:03

(I can kind of see why you are irritated, btw - but he isn't banning you from buying yourself stuff - you are an adult with equal access to the money, and he obviously assumes if you want something, you will get it. Women often don't spend money on themselves - either from a sort of princess syndrome where they want to be showered with gifts, or from a mistaken sense of poor self worth, where they feel they should be spending the money on everyone else. Both are rather more internal wrangles for the individual woman concerned, and don't say much about the chap involved. That isn't to diss the woman, either, just to point out that it's really common. No one is stopping you buying yourself an iPad but yourself - and for some reason you have been stopping yourself since before Christmas.)

MaBumble · 23/04/2013 01:07

Homer Simpson. Bowling ball ...
Talk to him, now. Tell him it's not what you want for your birthday, that if you wanted one you'd just go get one from family funds.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 23/04/2013 01:26

Are you the OP who was told the baby was your gift?

Either way YANBU. Tell him now that you want an Ipad. And for your birthday you want X.

AdoraBell · 23/04/2013 02:01

I get what you mean, my OH will suggest or sometimes go ahead and buy something expensive for me becuase he can then justify spending large amounts of money on himself. Most of the expensive stuff he's bought me, including this iPad, I could easily live without and never actually wanted, but I've got it now so he can have X, because that's fair.

YANBU OP, I would be inclined to say thanks but no thanks, I'd much rather have X inexpensive gift, and then go get what you want at a much later date. And remember to tell everyone else that you don't want the iPad. Then if you decide to buy it, you changed your mind.

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