to be worried about mine and DH relationship?

[MoodyDidIt]

firstly, i love him so much, i adore him, he is gorgeous and he feels the same about me

but lately things are going wrong relationship wise

we have recently had a house move, was a mutual exchange to a council house that needed (and still needs) a lot of doing up. we have spent absolutely loads and are skint, really skint.

i am also pregnant with DC3 (its our second dc together, i have dc1 from prev relationship). although was planned, am very tired and emotional. im also suffering quite bad with depression (i posted about this the other week)

as i am shit with DIY and also PG, so he has been doing all the work on the house, every night after work he has been painting, laying floors, plastering, putting things together, building the kids beds, you name it. so i have been doing all the childcare and cooking and cleaning etc

i feel like irritated and angry with him all the time for no reason, we havent had sex for 2 weeks either. i feel ugly and fat whenever i am PG anyway so i don't FEEL like sex even though i want it. but cos we havent done it for so long it feels all weird when he tries it on.

we need a break from the kids and he keeps saying it too, even just an afternoon. but its like he always leaves it all to me to sort out every time we do anything just the 2 of us and it PISSES me off :( just once i want him to say, oh my mums having the DC on saturday (or whatever) and i dont have to organise the fucker all the time

anyway its been like this for weeks. we have never been like this before, when we were first together we were absolutely on fire, and i mean for liek the first 3 years even, not just the initial honeymoon period. we have only been together 5 years, i always thought we were "different" :(

[MerryMarigold]

Aw now, Quintessential that's gonna make her feel worse!

I'm a Mum of 3. My youngest (twins) are 4 and I've just taken up crocheting! Now that's exciting. I love, love, love it.

Try and enjoy as much as you can, but be realistic. Flobbadobs advice was fantastic.

[Smartiepants79]

I agree with many people here, this all sounds fairly normal to me!
You are busy/tired/hormonal and a difficult few weeks are NOTHING in terms of a marriage which you hope will last a lifetime.
We have just had our second baby 4 months ago and we have not had sex in months. I have just not felt like it! However I expect this to change soon as we adjust to the changes in our life. I know he still loves and fancies me and our baby brings us closer in a whole new way.
You must talk to him and make him aware of how you feel.
Get a babysitter and use the time to have a nonjudgmental chat. Try not go blame him for your feelings but explain what he can do to help you.
Marriage is a long haul and it won't always be amazing but if he's worth it you must work at it and come out the other side of the bad patch.

[Flobbadobs]

MerryMarigold thanks
I'm not saying it was all sweetness and light throughout, I was seriously shattered and poorly throughout my third pg and frankly I'm close on 40 so no spring chicken. There was no bouncing back here either, more of a slow easing back into normality but we both knew from previous experience that we needed to make the effort to stay involved in each other, there's nothing like life to put unexpected distance between a couple!
Give the children a paintbrush, some emulsion and a wall that no one will see much of and let them get on. Apart from the benefit of you all being together you can all move in and know that you all did a bit to get your family house ready.

[Sidge]

I think you need a bit of a reality check.

Marriage and parenthood isn't all about daily hot sex and partying. It's about mutual love, support, caring and sharing your lives together.

Your life at the moment just happens to be under pressure - you're pregnant, caring for two other children, you've just moved into a house which needs work, your husband is working hard to support you and make your new house a home and you come across as being ungrateful and a little stroppy. Chill out a bit!

[Dahlen]

If it was me, I'd do the following:

1. Make a date night once a week where you have a babysitter organised. If you have to do this yourself for the first couple of times, do so. The time will come when you can explain to DH your resentment about having to organise it and that in future you expect him to do it, but if you don't take the initiative now you will just seethe until it's gone too far.
   

1. Find an activity that is all about you. You may have to think outside the box ATM as you are pregnant, but find something that really interests you and start doing it. Do not be put off by lack of money. If you can find money for DIY, you can set aside (within reason) money for a hobby. It is an investment in your emotional wellbeing. Once you start to feel better about yourself - I am an interesting person with my own life and DH is lucky to have me rather than I am a misery who does nothing and DH is going to get fed up of me - you will be better company. Conversation will flow more easily, and that may easily develop a flirtatious edge that gets you more in the mood for sex, so you bond more, and so on.
   

1. Make a point of taking a good, long walk every day - even if you feel knackered. It will make you fitter, your PG a lot easier, and it will help with your depression.
   

1. Make your DH do more of the domestic stuff and you help with the DIY. You're only shit at it because you haven't learned. The more you do, the better you get, and how hard can it be to slap some paint on the walls? Share tasks, rather than you doing one thing and him doing something else. It will give you a better perspective on each other;s roles and encourage teambuilding. If you're really rubbish at DIY and he's really rubbish at domestic stuff, it could possibly give you a much-needed laugh, too, with the added bonus that you will both improve at things if you persist.
   

Hope you feel better soon.

[Wannabestepfordwife]

To me moody it sounds like its more about your loss of identity rather than you sex life but I could be wrong.

It sounds like you are focusing on all the things you did before dc. I have to admit sometimes I'm like dp is 23 he should be planning lads holidays not have a mortgage and a baby but if he really wanted to do stuff like that he would have done it when single.

When things get monotonous we plan the future like when dp is 40 (dd will be 18) we are going to do a road trip across America. Things do get hard but it's worth focusing on the things you can do in the future.

[mrsmalcolmreynolds]

Lots of good advice on here about things to do to break the rut (not necessarily including sex!). Just wanted to add - I know it is hard to stand back and see the wood for the trees when you're PG, have other DCs and are going through a stressful time. BUT (at the risk of sounding a bit hippy!) try to be kind to each other and talk to each other properly.

So to take the keys example. You snapped at him - not ideal, but it's done. Rather than stewing over it and thinking that having sex will magically make you feel better and more tolerant of day to day irritations, try (1) apologising (2) explaining that you're tired and stressed and will try to stop yourself overreacting in future.

[MoodyDidIt]

thanks for all the replies

even the slightly harsh ones ;)

i know you are all right. i am being a bit immature but i guess i have always had this idead in my head of happy marriage = fun and excitement all the time.. And its quite hard to deal with the thought that it isn't like that in reality. which is know is my problem and one i need to deal with

and the poster who said i am being ungrateful and stroppy, yes i am, i know i am

i have spoken to DH earlier today and told him (a bit) of how i am feeling. he was so sweet about it and i felt mean. he didnt realise how unhappy i am :(

[Smartiepants79]

He sounds like a keeper.
He needs to know how you feel, he may not be able to fix it all for you but he can do his bit to make you feel loved and sexy.
Don't feel mean.
This will definitely get better. You will be less tired, the work will be finished and you will find more time for each other. ( until the baby arrives! )
This is only a few short months in the whole of your lives together.