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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think a yr 6 child is too young to be responsible for a reception aged child for long periods of time?

46 replies

FordTractor · 22/04/2013 15:10

like taking them swimming, getting them changed, waiting for them, getting them changed again
that sort of thing
or taking them to football practice, same scenario, waiting for them, supervising etc

I have name changed for personal reasons, not because I am a troll

OP posts:

Original poster

FordTractor · 22/04/2013 18:28

I am not sure. When the older was in infant school it was one term of swimming and that was it so to speak

OP posts:

thebody · 22/04/2013 18:28

I can't imagine how difficult life is for you op. it's not ideal but then neither is your life is it? I imagine your 11 year old is mature beyond years and this sounds fine to me. If it was too much I am sure he would let you know.

valiumredhead · 22/04/2013 18:32

Would your older child be happy to sit and watch or is that out of the question? Could your younger one get changed by the side of the pool for example instead of changing rooms?

DorisIsWaiting · 22/04/2013 18:38

If it makes you fell any better my dsis does this with her 9 and 6 year olds, she drives them to the leisure centre, they go in change and do lesson then when changed she collects her ds stays in the car both times, I was a little when I heard but then every week I hear what her other dc has got up to and I think it's probably the safest option and getting them the water skills they need.

littleducks · 22/04/2013 18:53

My six year old changes herself
after swimming, I'm outside the cubicle just in case but I'm training her up for school swimming.

Your situation is not ideal but I expect you could make it work. Maybe a couple if pounds for 11year old to buy themselves a hot chocolate or something if there is a cafe overlooking the pool.

I reckon you could do swimming costume under track suit on way there (with crocs) and then then track suit and pref pants but if not never mind for way back. We have a hair turban as dds hat is a material one. She wears that home but a plastic hat put on and removed by you in the car would be even simpler.

lljkk · 22/04/2013 19:04

okay, wait a minute, you take your DC to swimming and while there the 11yo helps the 5yo.
To me this is fine. I would give something back to my 11yo in return (extra privileges, more pocket money, whatever). I know other families that would simply see it as expected part of family life that everyone helps out & no special compensation required. And they don't even have a carer's excuse, they just expect older children to take some of the family burdens.

If the role for football is similar (you are lurking in background as support) then I don't think it's too much at all for the 11yo.

I knew an 8yo who escorted little sibling to nursery after school where their mum worked every day. 8 yrs ago, everyone fine about it.

TheChaoGoesMu · 22/04/2013 19:06

I think its fine op.

Is there any young carer groups that your ds could tap into? Its often good to meet others in a similar position.

nextphase · 22/04/2013 19:31

From what you've said OP, it sounds fine.
Is there any chance of the money and space to get a (mature?) Au Pair for a few months each year, to take the youngest 2 to activities, the park etc while you mind your oldest?
Is the respite care anywhere interesting? and at a suitable time ie could all of you go, leave the oldest for 3 hours, and the rest of you go somewhere near the respite care for a couple of hours?
I'm fairly sure you will have been round all the possible loops, and none of my suggestions are worth a second thought, but just incase.

LeChatRouge · 22/04/2013 19:44

My friend met a surrogate granny (through her church) and she became a great friend to her family. I was reminded if her as she actually used to take her children swimming. Prob need CRB and all sorts these days.
My other friend had students doing childcare to help her with her twins when they were small.

LynetteScavo · 22/04/2013 20:40

When I said I would be uncomfortable, it would be because I wouldn't trust my 11yo/5yo...I'm sure other 11yo's are more capable, and 5yo's obedient.

If you are worried you are asking to much of the 11yo, as in puttng to much responsibility on their young shoulders, then no....your family is a team, and everybody has to help each other. (I often tell my DC this, but mostly they just try to exterminate each other.)

Glitterandglue · 22/04/2013 21:50

You asked earlier about maybe employing someone to take your younger one swimming...if you feel that would be a good idea to take some responsibility off your eleven year old, I reckon you could get a babysitter to do that for you if it was a regular thing, like once a week. I would have happily done that at the time I was babysitting (doing random jobs here and there while going through uni). You could perhaps add in them doing something else with the five year old before/after so it's at least a two hour job. Maybe to put your mind at rest you could ask them to go swimming with the eleven year old as well the first time and then ask your eleven year old what she thought of them.

I used to get my babysitting jobs through advertising on and replying on Gumtree which you can do for free. May not be as useful for you if you live somewhere small, but then you could try a card in the newsagent's window or something.

irokurok · 22/04/2013 21:54

Lynette at exterminate each other!

Sounds alright to me, youngest gets swimming, 11 year old gets to have some responsibility and contributes to the family. You obviously appreciate the help and don't take it for granted that the children should always help, which is great. You are dropping them off outside, it's not as though they have to travel there alone. And the changing room situation is only temporary, by age 7ish mine were capable of changing by themselves. I do think a reward for the 11 year old would be good though, some kind of babysitting money.
Great that your youngest doesn't miss out on swimming. If either kid isn't happy with the situation, rethink obviously.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 22/04/2013 21:58

My DD is in reception and her buddy would happily pop DD in a bag and take her everywhere she goes...but I know she's in the minority. it depends on the year 6 child in question. If the child does not WANT to be doing this then they shouldn't have to.

Thisisaeuphemism · 22/04/2013 22:03

My 12 yr old (yr 7 tho) plays with/looks after his brother (5 yrs) and I think he would do this, capably, especially, if there was an incentive.

jacks365 · 22/04/2013 22:04

You are taking and picking up, the teacher supervises the lesson not your 11yo so all she is doing is helping with changing sounds fine to me and they are probably both mature beyond their years. Would it be possible for the 11yo to swim while the lesson is on, i know some pools you can others you can't but it would be a treat for her if she can.

DewDr0p · 22/04/2013 22:30

The swimming thing sounds fine to me, OP. Hope you can get some better arrangements in place for respite care though - your situation sounds so difficult.

Original poster

FordTractor · 23/04/2013 08:28

The reason I am worried is because the 11 yr old already has the responsibility of a lot of supervision as it is and I think he does get upset about it. Even at the young carers group (once a month) he has to supervise the 5yr old to a degree (they go in a taxi before transport is questioned) The youngest one isn't sensible either, he is bonkers, which is why I think he needs to learn life skills because he wouldn't think anything about jumping off a jetty into open water even if he couldn't swim or any other number of dangerous scenarios. The 11 yr old is sensible though, I just feel sorry for him and I think this is impacted because my own sister (now late) was chronically ill and I was always expected to be sensible and well behaved and I do feel like I grew up too quickly and I still find it difficult to socialise with people my own age because I have always felt old before my years, I think it can be quite isolating in itself.

If you feel it is okay for a short term solution though I will try and stop feeling so guilty. If I could afford an au pair I would have employed one :) unfortunately I can't. Where we used to live I had a lady who would help me LeChatRouge through a voluntary organisation but there doesn't seem to be anything like that here.

Thanks for all your input

OP posts:

Original poster

FordTractor · 23/04/2013 08:31

Sorry, I meant to say in regards to the social group, it's in a very small market town there really is nothing to do, no cinema, swimming, bowling only small parks (which we have utilised in the past) and kebab shops!

OP posts:

thegreylady · 23/04/2013 08:38

It sounds like where I live small park, swimming pool and lots of takeaways. If you are in Shropshire I will help you. I have a current CRB check. Pm me if I can help.

cory · 23/04/2013 08:53

If you feel the 11yo already has a lot on his plate, maybe put off the swimming lessons for a year or two. It won't matter in the long run when he had them. My extended family has always spent holidays on an island 5 minutes from the beach, most of us still haven't learnt to swim until the age of 6 or 7, but we are very confident swimmers later in life.

seeker · 23/04/2013 09:13

I obviously don't have the complications that you do, OP- I am rather in awe of you.

But I do have two children with a similar age gap, and they did a lot of things together with the older one in charge when they were younger. Still do, at 17 and 12. I had no hesitation in getting dd to take ds to a swimming lesson-when they were 5 and 11- I would have given them money for hot chocolate and chips, and an extra quid for dd to buy herself something unsuitable while she waited. Dd was proud of being given the responsibility, ds liked doing things without a hovering parent-for us it was a win- win.

But I can see that your older one could feel burdened. Would paying him help?

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