Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


mil and sfil - suggestions for detaching politely

6 replies

buaitisi · 22/04/2013 12:18

my mil and step fil are coming t visit for a week. They live a good bit away so we see them about 8 times a year. Whenever they come they bring loads for ds, toys and clothes.
If driving, they also do a big shop, as in buy about $200 worth of food anddrive it te ten hours here.
All fine so far, we've tod them not to bother with food as we'll have done a shop and already have a lot and most goes to waste. The clothes thing gets on my nerves a bit as mil will be shopping for weeks, emailling for his measurements,asking for photos of tags on clothes he's wearing now, she actually asked dh to trace ds' foot on a piece of paper so she could go shopping for his shoes Hmm anyway, I just let this go as she 'loves shopping for him'. I just thank her and have him wear stuff when they're around.
They want to pay for ds to go to private school (not that exp in country we're in), it won't work for us for a number of reasons, afterschool care etc and the public school here is. just as good.
I also don't want them to feel they have a say in his education. they're adamant they know what's best.
my h is up the walls preparing for their visit as usual, he's putting cream on the plates as I type to get scratches off. He andi are great except when around his mom. It's like he's desperate for her approval and he's super sensitive of anything I do or say which might seem offensive to her.

I know they're going to go on and on and try and persuade us to take private school place and have them pay for nanny or whatev afterschool care we need. Obv that'll never happen and I'm planning saying something like 'thank you for the offer but that doesn't work for us', any other suggestions like this that doesn't seem rude? or any strategies to detach without seeming rude?

in the past, they've tried to choose and pay for ds health insurance, dentist, they wante to go shopping with us for his bedroom stuff so she could pick what she liked and it would be her treat....dh thinks my response at these times were kinda rude, I said something along the lines of 'don't be silly, you don't have to do that, we're ds' parents and that's our job'

to be very honest, I don't really like spending time with them. it's like a passive agressive battle covered up with gritted smiles. it's like te mil is in comp with me, if ds hurts himself and is running to me she'll run to get to him and say 'that's right, always come to nana' Grin
loads of other stuff like that that grates and builds up.

hoping some of you know how I should not let them get to me, not show my annoyance for dh and detach or aibu and ungrateful?

OP posts:

Seabright · 22/04/2013 12:38

I think you are thinking along the right track. Just say "thanks for the kind offer, but we have already made arrangement for schooling".

Maybe they'd set up a savings account for the children with the money instead? Or would they want to control how the money was eventually spent?

A week of nodding and smiling, I think


CruCru · 22/04/2013 13:19

Ugh. That sounds like hard work. Are you in the US? If they want to pay for private school, it might be sensible to suggest that they put the money into a college fund instead. However, that doesn't mean they get to choose the college.


mummytime · 22/04/2013 13:52

I would suggest a college fund too, even in the UK the cost of Uni is only going to get more and more expensive.

Also seeing them 8 times a year seems like pretty frequent to me.


raspberryroop · 22/04/2013 13:56

Uni fund all the way !


MyDarlingClementine · 22/04/2013 14:05

I know how you feel op, my in laws have I think offered to pay for education, I wouldn't want them that involved and I would not trust them anyway.

They have tried to undermine my school of choice which is excellent, and undermine us at every turn, every descion.

I am imagine my MIL crying " Oh that poor DC, could be at a nice private school but she is making DC go to that horrid state schools..." etc etc

I do not know what the answer is, often with people like this - if they had any sense they would not keep on going on and on.

They are hard to get through too.

Perhaps in a light but crisp voice " Thank you so much for the offer, you have offered it before and we have had such a good think about it, but now I am going to have to say once and for all, we are very happy with our choice. Thanks so much for offering its incredibly kind of you, have you thought of a uni fund perhaps? Thats if you wanted to contribute.

now fuck off and get out of my face


Inertia · 22/04/2013 14:14

Suggesting the college fund is a great idea- unfortunately though I think it's about her having control over the decisions rather than actually wanting what's best for your son.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?