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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to ExDPs family do and also no let him take DS alone?

40 replies

appleballoon · 19/04/2013 19:35

Ex DP has a family do next month up in Scotland (we live in Cornwall, so quite a trek) to celebrate his gran's birthday. He mentioned this a while ago but has up until about a week ago not known what the exact date is. He wanted our DS who is 20 months old to go (with me) to this do.

However, I am a student and the date of this party is bang in the middle of extremely important end of year exams. I feel I need to focus and will be massively stressed around this time as it is without having to deal with traveling with a toddler and dealing with a load of ex's family members who I don't really know and who have never taken any interest in DS.

Basically I told ex today that I will not be able to go to this thing. He is massively angry, calling me a disgrace and selfish etc,.

As a back story he left me when I was pregnant and is generally an undermining, passive aggressive little shit who gives me a hard time constantly about the tidiness of my house, how I look after DS while being pretty feckless himself (for example leaving DS unattended in the bath a couple of weeks ago and not helping me)

I don't want to go to this stupid do. I don't feel I owe him or his family my attendance. I have important exams around that time. I don't want him to take DS on his own just because I feel he is too young to be away from me for such along time and also he doesnt really know his dad's family that well.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AhCmonSeriouslyNow · 19/04/2013 19:39

How long would he be away for?

TBH, I think YABU. I understand you feel very hurt by him leaving you but this is his son who should know his cousins and grandparents on that side if he can. If he knows his dad well, I think he'll be fine (though he will miss you) and, in fact, maybe it will give you time to concentrate wholly on your exams without having to do childcare.

I definitely don't think you should have to go but I think you should strongly consider leeting DS go.

badguider · 19/04/2013 19:42

I understand you not wanting to go and also being worried about being away from your son given your ex's bath incident... but I also think that your son needs to know his father's side of the family and also his father should be able to take him away for a couple of days.
Do you think maybe your ex could be trusted to look after his son properly when he's got his mum and family around to help?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2013 19:43

Pick one. Go or let his Dad take him. YABU otherwise. Unless Ex is actually abusive or neglectful (like the bath sounds) .

CatelynStark · 19/04/2013 19:46

YANBU. Your exams are more important than the birthday of a family member, given the distance involved.

I wouldn't have let my ex take my kids away at 20 months either - he just wasn't responsible enough. You can't be worrying about the well being of your child when you're having to study.

Could a compromise be that you'll take your child up there after your exams have finished? If he's arsey about that, then I would tell him to bog off, personally.

digerd · 19/04/2013 19:49

Cornwall to Scotland is long distance. How long would it take by car?

HollyBerryBush · 19/04/2013 19:52

I don't want him to take DS on his own just because I feel he is too young to be away from me for such along time and also he doesnt really know his dad's family that well.

Is this about you? Or about your Ex? Regardless of whether he knows his extended family well or not, is his father capable of parenting him appropriately for the time?

You haven't said how often or for how long your ex has access, so with the lack of information, its difficult to have an opinion really. If Ex is used to having his son for a whole weekend rather than a 2 hour Saturday slot, that puts a whole different slant on it.

Your ex's family may not be your family but they are your childs family.

Original poster
appleballoon · 19/04/2013 19:58

digerd it would take about 10 hours.

There is a fundamental lack of trust that I have for ex to look after DS properly that's stopping me from letting him take him on his own. Like I said there was the bath incident and he generally has a bit of a blind eye when it comes to looking after him.

He sees DS for a couple of hours on a saturday or sunday 2 or 3 times a month.

The thought of DS being away from me and so far away makes my stomach turn.

OP posts:
FariesDoExist · 19/04/2013 19:59

YANBU, I don't see why you should have to go, and it's too far for your little one. 20 months is still really young.

FariesDoExist · 19/04/2013 20:00

Don't let him pressurise you

SirBoobAlot · 19/04/2013 20:02

YANBU.

Your ex hasn't given you enough notice, you're busy studying to make life better for your DS, and he has proven himself to be incapable whilst looking after him. If he only has him for a few hours a month, there is no WAY I'd be trusting him for a few days.

No. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

He can call you all the names under the sun he likes. Stay calm, maybe get DS to decorate a card and send a recent photo to the family / via exP, but no.

Rainbowinthesky · 19/04/2013 20:05

yanbu

LadyMaryQuiteContrary · 19/04/2013 20:05

I'm with Fairies, 20 months is far too young. He'll be terrified as they are strangers, only connected through blood. His father sounds like an arsehole (aware that there may be more than what is written here) as your child's welfare should always come before everything else. Sounds to me as though he wants to show your child off, 'look at how wonderful my son is, I'm a fantastic father!' when you're the one raising him.

Jelly15 · 19/04/2013 20:06

It will only add to your stress if you let DS go with his dad and you have enough on your plate with your exams. YADNBU.

manticlimactic · 19/04/2013 20:30

How does he know how tidy or untidy your house is?

CloudsAndTrees · 19/04/2013 20:35

If he was a good attentive parent that has regular contact with his child, then I'd say YABU. A 20 month old should be fine with his Dad for a couple of days.

But as he isn't an attentive parent that spends regular prolonged time with his child, then YANBU.

HollyBerryBush · 19/04/2013 20:39

He'll be terrified as they are strangers, only connected through blood

I beg to differ, none of my children were terrified of meeting new people, if you bring them up to be gregarious they will be.

Also, blood means family. I don't like the idea of cutting off one half of a family because you are no longer with a partner. It's quite cruel to deprive a child of their heritage and background.

Branleuse · 19/04/2013 20:39

i think you should let him go, so you can concentrate on your exams.

Itll be fine

DionFortune · 19/04/2013 20:39

YANBU!

Bowlersarm · 19/04/2013 20:46

Surely if your DS is the son of your ex partner he should be allowed to go? He's his father. Or am I missing something.

FreudiansSlipper · 19/04/2013 20:51

if he does not make that much effort to see his son on a regular basis then yanbu

if de does and they have regular contact alone then yabu

some npr do not get that children do not fit into your life when it suits

a couple of hours a week is hardly parenting is it

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/04/2013 21:04

"He sees DS for a couple of hours on a saturday or sunday 2 or 3 times a month."
And he wants to take him from Cornwall to Scotland, a ten hour trip, be there for presumably a couple of days, then ten hours back?
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

No. Just - no. Fuck all the 'but he's your son's daaaaaddy' - is he fuck. He's no closer to your son than many of your not-that-close friends. So I really don't see your son having a good time here. And then there's you. You really don't need the distraction of worrying yourself sick as to whether or not your son has drowned in an unsupervised bath, Not during exam week.

You are not a disgrace. You are not selfish. He is a complete arse.

Wannabestepfordwife · 19/04/2013 21:14

Yanbu seeing as he hasn't had your ds overnight then he can't expect to take him to the other side of the country.

If I didn't trust someone with my dc welfare there's no way they would be taking my child that far away that young

NomNomDePlum · 19/04/2013 21:16

yanbu. it would be frightening for your son, and potentially unsafe given your ex's inability to even safely bathe him, and you would probably not be able to concentrate on your exams due to anxiety, which is not in your son's long term interest; he has his whole life to get to know his father's family, so don't allow yourself to be browbeaten into it.

joanofarchitrave · 19/04/2013 21:21

Give your ex a date after the exams for a reasonable-length when you will go up with your ds and introduce him to the other half of his family, when he can also go, and get ds to make a card for the birthday. It's really not OK for them to remain strangers to him IMO. But YANBU for this trip.

fromheretomaternity · 19/04/2013 21:36

YANBU- but I think you should offer to take him up another weekend to see his gran.