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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I going mad or is DP being unreasonable?

55 replies

Discolite · 18/04/2013 10:58

Monday - drove off after having put my handbag on the roof of the car. He told me the handbag was on the roof whilst I was putting the baby in the carseat, funnily enough my attention was elsewhere and I didn't hear him. Loss of handbag, 2x carkeys, bank cards, driving license (with address on obv), housekeys. Vague apology made for totally ruining my day with stress and worry. Yes, a mistake but things like this happen all the time due to his carelessness and lack of common sense.

Yesterday - I placed an order with an online company to the tune of £250. It is in his name as I don't have a bank card. However, I discovered half way through the transaction that you can pay by paypal so the money that paid for the items is mine. Today they ring up whilst I was in bed after a bad night with the baby. DP takes the call. The order needs to be changed, he says "That's fine" even though he knew it took me weeks of researching to decide on these items and doesn't get me, or say I'll ring them back. He is now angry with me for being angry with him. Apparently if he'd woken me up I would've been unreasonable so he didn't. Doesn't take the point that he could have got me to ring them back.

Final straw today - I find he's washed the cat's blanket (pretty minging actually, excuse is a 5 week old baby) with baby clothes on a 15 minute 30 degree wash. Now the clothes are covered in cat hair and in my opinion, diritier than when they went in. When I point this out, he is angry with me as all I do is criticise him....ARGH.

So, AIBU in being pretty fed up at the moment?

OP posts:

HeathRobinson · 18/04/2013 13:10

The cat blanket with the baby clothes makes me think of the sort of people who make such a bad job of something, that they're never expected to do it again.

JustinBsMum · 18/04/2013 13:12

I heard on a radio prog (so no link) that to clean clothes hygienically they need to be washed at 40 degrees, eg for nickers, so cat blanket should prob be 40 degrees or washed on its own, def not with baby clothes.

THERhubarb · 18/04/2013 13:16

Well yes but you also have to put it all into perspective. Things that you would normally cope with become massive problems once you have kids and these mistakes will be more common as their attention is focused elsewhere so I do think they need to give each other a bit of leeway.

That's my advice for what it's worth. If you go on at him he'll just feel like a failure and will be disinclined to help, which will also affect you negatively.

He put the cat blanket in with the baby clothes so let him deal with the fallout. Same with the handbag, he didn't check that you had removed it from the roof of the car so he should do all the phoning and lend you his cards (although I also think you were both distracted at the time and it was just one of those things which happens when your attention is elsewhere). He took the phone call (again, I understand why he didn't wake you) so you calmly explain to him why the order is so important and ask him to deal with it.

He is neither stupid or irresponsible or careless. He's just distracted and is trying too hard.

HeathRobinson · 18/04/2013 13:19

But his reaction is strange about the washing - why anger? Why not, oh yeah, that didn't work, I'll wash the clothes again.

THERhubarb · 18/04/2013 13:30

I bet now he'll be condemned as a potential violent thug because he showed some anger.

Yeah well when I'm constantly criticised I tend to get a little angry too. It hurts when you are trying your best and it just all goes tits up. He was probably just as angry with himself for screwing up yet again.

This is what I mean, if you constantly have a go at him then he'll merely give up and leave you to it. Yes you might do it all right and your own way then but you end up doing all the organising and he just goes along with it all.

I think they both need a bit of a breather.

chris481 · 18/04/2013 13:34

The car/bag thing is totally his fault. He's responsible for the bag until someone else has taken it. I try to anticipate my own future memory/concentration failures by not putting things where forgetting about them will caused a problem.

The phone call thing might be understandable if he's really afraid of waking OP, but only if his understanding about the importance of the right item is a bit shaky.

The washing thing sounds like something I'd easily do. I would hope for a DW who would gently point out washing needs doing again. TBH I probably wouldn't have washed anything without explicit prompting in the first place, so he's more "helpful" than me.

lemonstartree · 18/04/2013 13:43

YABU, critical, and frankly nasty, You sound very tired but that's not his fault is it ? try to be nice, it will help you no end

mmmerangue · 18/04/2013 13:51

YANBU, but he is NBU either.

You have a 5 week old baby. You are tired, stressed, baby-brained parents.

You could cut him some slack, but, you are not going mad either.

The order thing would have annoyed me - he should have asked them to call back later to speak to you. The other two, just man things IMO. Their brains work differently. My DP could easily have done both of those.

Breathe Deep, forgive, try to forget.

Most importantly try and get a little time for yourselves both together and apart.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/04/2013 14:01

I bet with a 5 week old baby you are both pretty shattered please don't fight, cut each other some slack and rant here by all means.

That said, a cat blanket with baby clothes...

skippedtheripeoldmango · 18/04/2013 14:07

He's always been like this...sound like you're going to have to find ways to minimise how this affects you without getting annoyed because he's obviously not going to change.

YANBU but you are unfortunately probably going to have to fix the problem by yourself.

Incidentally, is he like this at his job?

diddl · 18/04/2013 14:08

"Just man things"-OMG!!

Putting a bag on a car roof & a cat blanket in a wash with clothes!

There are (imo) lacking common sense things!

Are women born knowing not to do these things then, or just common sense tells us not to??

Blu · 18/04/2013 14:11

You sound v tired and stressed, and he was an eejit.

Why haven't you got a bank card?

LessMissAbs · 18/04/2013 14:16

I thought you were being a bit of a brat until I read the ongoing history so YANBU. Putting someone's property on the roof of a car as they are just about to drive off is just plain stupid.

My DH is a bit like that, except he is prone to disappearing at unexpected times. e.g. once we were driving across Europe to get a pre-booked car ferry from Calais. We stopped in a town for him to get a cashline and he disappeared for 4 1/2 hours!

Then another time, we met up with a friend of mine and arranged to all go for coffee together, he was on his bike, carrying my rucksack, and decided to go on ahead, taking my phone, wallet and house keys with him. I didn't find him again for another 3 hours, as he had decided we were going to a certain place, and while it certainly wasn't the one we had in mind, we had no idea where it was!

Or the time when I went into a garden centre to buy some potted plants and he waited outside in the car. Or so I thought. I trailed round that car park for nearly an hour looking for him, it was a windy day and by the time I finally found him (he had "moved to a better spot"), I literally looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards and all the plant pots were smashed.

So I do know where you're coming from!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 18/04/2013 14:17

I'm surprised at how many people are defending this man! Ok, so the three individual incidents cited here are hardly hanging offences, but the point is, he's always like this, tired or not! Yes, new baby, give each other some slack. Both parents are bound to be tired and emotional, grumpy and forgetful - but the poor OP if it was bad anyway and now she has to deal with forgetful, incompetent man X2 and a new baby. Any sane person would be at breaking point.

Why should the OP be negatively impacted in terms of her time and finances as her DP just can't be bothered to do things properly? It's not hard to book the correct train tickets or whatever, to remember to take your belongings out of your car before you sell it - who forgets a computer?! Clearly, no one is infallible but this all seems too regular.

OP - how does your DP manage at work?

diddl · 18/04/2013 14:20

Well this is the thing isn't it-what OP could tolerate before she now can't due to tiredness & the demands of a newborn.

Perhaps if he has to sort out his mistakes he'll make less.

I do wonder how these people manage a work though without someone to pick up for them if necessary...

Original poster

Discolite · 18/04/2013 14:28

Just to respond to a few of the things I've skim read - I didn't have a bank card as it was in the handbag that was lost. I don't expect him to take care of my handbag ordinarily but it was hanging over the handlebar of the pushchair, which he was putting in the car whilst I put the baby in the car seat.

Anyway, we've made up and I regret posting on here as it's not fair on him as he doesn't get a right of reply. He is a very bright individual but has issues with common sense concepts. I put it up with it because the good things about him far outweigh the bad things and he is ace. Just a prat. Nice to hear that other people have similar experiences. As for anger - just because some displays anger doesn't mean they are violent. I get angry sometimes and I don't get violent.

And is he like this at his job? He's freelance which is probably a good thing given his personality tendencies.

Right, I'm off to try and forget about this thread

OP posts:

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 18/04/2013 14:29

therhubarb - are you the OP's DP?! Your posts come across as completely sexist! The OP isn't the only one who's had 9 months to get used to the idea of having a baby. Just because she's female doesn't mean she has an innate ability to do all baby-related things any more easily than her DP!

He may be 'trying' as you put it, but obviously not hard enough and the OP is left to deal with the fallout from whatever his latest half hearted attempt at something might be. How's that fair?! Sure, everyone makes mistakes, but there shouldn't be so many that they're detrimental to the financial well being of your partner and new born child.

maddening · 18/04/2013 14:32

I think he is responsible for the handbag - or at least more responsible than op - as he put it on the roof - he should have ensured that the op knew it was there by way of acquiring a positive response from the op as he could see that she was dealing with something else. Until she confirmed that yes, thank you, the handbag is on the roof he remains responsible for it.

TigerSwallowtail · 18/04/2013 14:34

Cat blanket was a daft move on his part but you were being unreasonable in the other two situations sorry. You have a 5 week old baby so are both probably quite exhausted, start afresh, forget what's happened, put your feet up (if possible) and gaze at your lovely little baby together .

TigerSwallowtail · 18/04/2013 14:36

Oh wait I've just realised he was the one that put the handbag on the roof - he was unreasonable there.

THERhubarb · 18/04/2013 15:08

Yeah I am Wibblypig, sure I am. Whatever you say.
It's called having a different opinion and I'm sorry but as sexist as this sounds, men can't actually carry a baby in their womb for nine months or give birth so it stands to reason that the woman has to make more preparations than the man because she is the one who is ultimately having the baby. Unless I'm mistaken, the man doesn't have to think about disposable knickers, sanitary pads, breast pads, etc.

Pagwatch · 18/04/2013 15:28

It's not a man thing but not is it an "OMG how can the OP put up with this "

He is a bit shit at some stuff. The op is tired. They have a new baby and are both a bit shell shocked. They will sort it out.
The op probably wishes she hadn't posted.

THERhubarb · 18/04/2013 15:31

Probably Pagwatch.

I get she wanted to vent, we all need a bit of that but Mumsnet of late is a bit too keen on tearing people apart and making the OP feel even shitter by telling her what a useless inconsiderable idiot she's married to.

She isn't. They are both, as you say, tired and shell shocked. I doubt either are thinking straight and that's when you make those silly mistakes.

Yes he might be like this all the time but tiredness won't help and I'm sure he is painfully aware of his shortcomings.

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 18/04/2013 15:41

Well, the man could if he wanted to be involved enough therhubarb - my DH has been to all of my hospital appointments - both with DD and my current pregnancy. We prepared for the arrival of DD together and will do the same for baby two. I could trust him to buy the brand of breast pads I like if I had to - because we're a partnership and the fact he can't physically carry a child doesn't excuse him from being fully and actively involved in our children's lives. It's also important to me to know that if something dreadful were to happen to me, my children would be brought up by a coper and not someone who chose to opt out of everyday family tasks 'because he's a man' and thus seemingly not equipped to do them...

Anyway, back to the thread...

OP - I wish you luck but don't take on the burden of being your family's chief organiser. There are two adults in your relationship and both you and your DP need to be able to rely on one another. You're understandably tired and emotional now but only you can decide if this is the kind of life you want. I wish you luck.

Pagwatch · 18/04/2013 15:42

Yes. Exactly THERhubarb !

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