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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

who isbu

49 replies

frienddilemma · 17/04/2013 20:10

i have an old friend and we have been talking about meeting up for ages. she has no children, i have one 20 month old and am separated and going through a divorce, im having a rough time. she's not that close a friend. anyway, she has been texting about meeting up and i thought i should make it happen, so i told her i was free a particular day (she had told me previously she is often off on that day). so she said yes thats grand, ill come round at 7. i said that evenings don't suit me with ds, (bedtime routine etc) so would afternoon suit. she said she would try to make it straight after work, for around 6.
but i was not planning on her coming for dinner - this might sound stupid, but i find being a single parent hard enough as it is, i think im in survival mode at the minute! i don't need the stress of cooking for someone else and trying to do hostess (Which i am totally crap at even without a dc) at the minute. so i have asked her can she meet me on the weekend instead. i feel a bit bad about it, but i feel like she just invited herself round for dinner... i would never say ill come round at 6 without being invited to someones house for dinner. is it me thats crazy? i don't want to seem rude but i get stressed about stuff like hosting dinner. anyway sorry this was long!

OP posts:

Original poster

frienddilemma · 17/04/2013 20:51

i guess i didn't think it was that relevant at the start. i just want to be normal. i am sorry for drip feeding i didn't think that would have to come into it, i don't want it to be an excuse if IAMBU. i am just really upset at the minute

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/04/2013 20:51

its a not an excuse, its a perfectly valid reason that would have made a hell of a lot more sense and the replies would also have been much different I imagine..

IroningBoredDaily · 17/04/2013 20:52

Sorry, I missed that bit before I posted...

I still think you should enjoy some friend time.

Original poster

frienddilemma · 17/04/2013 20:55

its when things like this happen i realise im still have so far to go. i am ok on my own, but the thought of eating with people in situations like this freaks me out... its something i need to practise though if im ever going to get better. i guess im just so upset cos i thought i was a lot further on. and in my head i wasn't thinking it was cos of the ed, i was thinking it was all about routines, tiredess etc. but i suppose thats all part of the ed as well. i am so fed up of it all.

i don't know what im going to do. if she doesn't text back about the weekend i think i will just still ask her round... this is still something i have to overcome if im ever going to get better

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 17/04/2013 20:55

Just say you can't do evenings. It's fine to say that. Really.

Tell her you're looking forward to catching up soon and when would be good for an afternoon meet-up?

Sorry to hear you're upset; good luck with your continuing recovery

Original poster

frienddilemma · 17/04/2013 20:56

thanks so much

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/04/2013 21:18

Say to her that you will have already eaten, but you will can do something for her if she wants it.. how would that work for you? :)

SquinkiesRule · 17/04/2013 21:31

Text her back and ask her what day is her day off so you can visit in the day time. Repeat evenings aren't good with the baby. Then change it to her day off and meet somewhere.
You don't have to do it when she says, you need to be comfortable too.

MidniteScribbler · 18/04/2013 03:52

As a single parent myself, can I say that it is very easy to cut yourself off because you are trying to fit everything around your childs routines. I went from being a complete night owl before DS was born to falling in to bed exhausted at 8pm. It's easy to feel like the days are going by without anything actually really being done.

Fortunately, another single mother who lives around the corner had 'been there/done that' and she would drop in after she knew DS would be in bed, with a packet of chips and a bottle of wine and we would have a chat and a drink. It was good for keeping me feeling like I wasn't completely isolated and I was still able to be in bed at a reasonable hour. We now try and do it regularly, even though our children are a bit older. She'll put her DD down to sleep and leave her with her older children (15 and 17) and come over and we'll watch a movie (although we usually talk all the way through it rather than watching it!).

Could you provide some nibbles (chips, dip, etc) on the coffee table (or ask her to bring some), so that she can nibble on them while you talk, but you don't have to eat if you don't want to? I'm someone who would be quite happy to much on cheese and crackers or dip in lieu of an actual meal for dinner. Add a glass of wine and I'm happy. You could always say that you ate with her DS earlier if you need an excuse.

ENSMUM · 18/04/2013 04:01

As others have said, just say evenings too tricky for you. However, has your friend said anything about food? If I was coming straight from work at 6 planning not to stay beyond 7 I wouldn't expect food. Just a culpa! You may be over complicating it

thistlelicker · 18/04/2013 04:07

It seems your friend is
Flexible
But your putting
Obstacles in the way! Sounds like you don't want to see her really? How
About just be honest with her? She clearly
Wants to see u and is accommodating the fact u are a parent!

thistlelicker · 18/04/2013 04:11

Plus u don't even know if she wants food! Wrong
To assume! She may be happy with a brew and a biscuit!

Original poster

frienddilemma · 18/04/2013 08:32

hey everyone. sorry for leaving last night, i was upset and tired and you are right i was overthinking things.

you have all come up with some great suggestions, i do really want to see her, and i know that i myself am a bit of a stress head when it comes to things that upset my routine and when it comes to eating etc. so ive decided that i do need to be comfortable too with it, as im going through a pretty rough time at the minute.

i have come up with another idea... i know that she works in town, so im going to ask her if she would like me to come and meet her on her lunch break (i can get ds minded). that way we can get some good time to catch up at a suitable time. i can deal with restaraunts a bit better than i can deal with the thought of eating at home (there are lots of reasons for this but ill not go into it now) - it will still be challenging for me, but it is good for me to have a challenge but won't feel as overwhelming for me, plus ill not have ds to focus on.

you are right that she might not expect food..... but to be honest, i would feel totally awful about not offering. so i think this is quite a good idea. that way, i won't be exhausted. i can also explain to her there that things are different now that im a single parent and tell her that once ds starts sleeping better i would love her to come round and we could have a couple of glasses of wine in the evening. sorry this was long, does this sound ok? thanks

OP posts:

imour · 18/04/2013 08:39

just say you thought she had the day off and it would of been nice to go shopping together and get something to eat out , because your evenings are busy with bed routines , so let me know when you next have a free day .

imour · 18/04/2013 08:41

sorry just saw your last post as i did mine , meeting up for lunch break seems a good compromise .

Original poster

frienddilemma · 18/04/2013 09:00

its sorted.. i said evenings are busy with evening routines and would she like me to come and meet her for lunch and she said that would be great, so we are sorted for next week. perfect! thanks guys. i don't know why i seem to complicate everything and make a mountain out of a molehill.

OP posts:

FutTheShuckUp · 18/04/2013 09:11

It still seems very much on your terms though- you need to bend a little with friendships/relationships or end up very lonely.
I have a friend who is very much 'well this doesnt suit me' and expects me to bend over backwards to accomodate or just be around when she has the time to drop in without even asking if im busy. Its very wearing and kills a friendship if im honest

Original poster

frienddilemma · 18/04/2013 13:50

actually i have many friends and see friends every day. tomorrow i am going to see a friend at a time she suggested. yesterday i suggested a time which my friend couldn't make and she came to my house earlier, before i was ready, which i had no problem with. if i was like you are implying surely i wouldn't have any friends left? i am trying my best but i have issues i am trying to sort out. not everyone is perfect, so for this time in my life, this does need to be this way.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 18/04/2013 13:52

she's working? I think you have to accept that if someone works they won't be able to make it to you in the week days.

tell her evening is no good so you'll arrange a weekend that suits you both.

quesadilla · 18/04/2013 14:02

I think if you don't want to do something in the evening that is totally reasonable: just tell her. The eating disorder puts this in context. I don't think you have to go into that, just say you aren't up for the evening.

Alternatively if you would rather avoid something linked to food, you could say to her that you won't be able to cater for her (and again, no need to go into why), but that she is welcome to come for a glass of wine.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 18/04/2013 14:04

You sound like hard work. Why presume she wants dinner? And even if so, how hard it is? Seriously. You sounds like you just can't be arsed with anything that doesn't fit in with what you want.

THERhubarb · 18/04/2013 14:05

Hmm, strange OP but giving you the benefit of doubt...

Yes having a sleepless toddler must be tiring and you are not alone, I know many mums who wouldn't dream of doing anything in the evenings other than passing out on the sofa.

You sound very stressed though. Can I give you some advice not related to your friend? If you have an eating disorder you might benefit from regular health check-ups so that you can keep an eye on how you are doing. A blood check might show a low iron level which would account for your exhaustion (you are going to bed in the middle of the day so I would make the blood test a priority). Iron tablets might give you a new lease of life.

I would also get some tonic so you can make sure you are getting at least some vitamins and minerals in your body. If you are constantly tired then even the smallest of chores can seem like a nightmare so I would focus on tackling this before you have anyone around.

Next I would confide in your friend about what's going on. It might put her off coming or it might make her more understanding. I am guessing you don't have very much support and she sounds as though she did try to plan things around times which suited you so she might be very supportive of you. Just explain that right now isn't a good time but you are trying to get on top of things. She might be more willing to make the effort to fit around you then.

Your problems are more than just having a friend round so I suggest you tackle them one by one until you start to feel more human again.

Original poster

frienddilemma · 18/04/2013 14:33

i do have a lot of support from my family, and i am tackling my problems slowly. thats why i wanted to make the effort of meeting her for lunch. thats a good plan to go for a check up.

cheese i think you are totally wrong, i am making an effort and i am totally being 'arsed'. i do not see what is wrong with meeting her for lunch. she is happy with this, she does not have to travel, she does not have to give up any of her free time at the weekends to see me, and we get to meet up at a time when im not going to be focusing on my ds, when we can have a proper catch up somewhere nice. what is wrong with this, and how is this me doing things on my terms? at the end of the day going for lunch is still a challenge for me but i am making an effort because i want to see her.

yes recovering from an ed is hard work, and will take more time than i thought. but no i don't consider myself as hard work, if i was that much hard work why do i have a good social life every day? surely people would want nothing more to do with me if i was that much high maintenance. i do have a ds to consider in all of this which makes evenings harder for me, and i am knackered, and i am recovering from illness, so of course things aren't the same as they used to be, but actually i think i am doing pretty ok and just because i had a struggle with this scenario doesn't mean i have to listen to someone telling me i can't be arsed.

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 18/04/2013 20:42

Yes I think cheese might have only partially read the thread, and perhaps missed the bit about your recovery from ed.

Well done for finding a workable solution.

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