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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH? (Long, sorry)

48 replies

BabylonReturns · 16/04/2013 21:15

Aargh where to start......

DH and I have been together for 13 years, married for almost 7 and have 3 DCs.

I am SAHM and he is self employed (this is a recent thing since birth of dc3).

DH has lots of "projects" - mostly vehicular including a car which he had when we met that has now been off the road for over 10 years. It is a nice car, a collectors car if it were on the road, and probably worth a fair bit.

We have moved house 4 times in 5 years and transported this car with us. I have paid for a new roof, windscreen and various other bits over the years, with DHs solemn promise that "this summer" it will be on the road. He's been saying this since 2009, and it's still not on the road - not even close.

It needs some welding doing, and a f other bits, then it can be MOTd taxed and insured. Great, except it only has 4 seats and there are 5 of us - so we won't all fit in.

DH also has a motorbike, which until march 2012 had also been off the road for a couple of years. Last year for his birthday, I put it through an mot, taxed it and insured it. He went out a few times, took dd1 on a road trip, and that's it. Since end of July last year it's just been stood in the garage and is now SORNd again.

DH also has a camper van, which is fully roadworthy and he drives it almost daily (not for work - I'm getting to that bit!) I love the van, it's great and gives us loads of freedom to get out and about.

I have a car (the family car). Pretty standard 7 seater which we look after as it is our daily method of transport.

DH made some noises about getting rid of his motorbike last year as he didn't enjoy the road trip and felt he didn't have time for it really. I agreed, but then he changed his mind and said he didn't want to get rid, but change it for something else. Again I agreed, but made him promise not to buy another project.

When DH goes to work, he generally borrows my parents work van. He can chuck his tools in and go. No problem. Except our driveway is not big enough for all these vehicles.

Today I had to leave my car out on the road, and it had the wing mirror clipped by another's driver. No damage, but not really the point.

A few weeks ago, I suggested that DH get rid of his car and motorbike, and use the money to buy himself a little works van, instead of borrowing my parents van and then moaning when he has to return it and take all his tools out.

He said that was like asking me to sell all my nice shoes and buy a new iron

I'm at the point where this could be a deal breaker.

Should he sell the car and bike, or should I just shut up and put up with it?

OP posts:

maxomummy · 17/04/2013 12:24

Babylon it seems to me the issue us bigger for you than just his project vehicles if you are saying "he'll choose his projects over me without hesitation". Have you tried to tell him you feel this way? Maybe communication is the issue here and you should get some counselling or make some time to really talk to each other. How much time do you spend together without the kids? If your DH could read this I bet he would be shocked to realise the impact this is having on you emotionally - my DH always needs anything emotional spelt out in words of one syllable, sometimes repeatedly, for him to get it and maybe yours is the same. Alternatively you could give him a time limit to sell one of the projects and if he doesn't then do it for him. He needs to man up and realise he is part of a family imo but he won't do that without some real communication. Good luck xxx

gobbledegook1 · 17/04/2013 12:28

YANBU.

Original poster

BabylonReturns · 17/04/2013 12:38

We don't get the opportunity to spend any time together without DCs, no babysitters etc.

We get a bit of time at the end of the day, but I'm usually knackered as is he. Mumsnet is my wind down, and i like watching the soaps too, it this is also a bone of contention and more often than not I either stay up late and watch them when he's gone to bed or watch them while feeding ds during the daytime.

Communication is an issue yes, he feels like I'm nagging all the time, I feel like he never listens.

There are financial issues in that I don't know if he will have earnt enough to pay the rent this month, but again, I feel like I'm nagging if I ask and he says I'm putting pressure on him to constantly do more.

I'm concerned about keeping the roof over my 3 DCs head, but I cannot get a job that would pay enough for full time childcare for one, let alone 2 and wrap around care for the third :(

I feel like I am in a no win situation, and whatever I do will be wrong :(

OP posts:

Ashoething · 17/04/2013 13:09

You are worried about keeping a roof over your dcs heads and he is spunking money away on cars! You are married to a complete twunt-sorry. He wont change-get rid of him and his beloved motors. Better still sell them yourselves when he is at work and keep the cash.

Original poster

BabylonReturns · 17/04/2013 13:17

Sorry I've not made myself clear here, he's not spending money on the car or the bike, they are just sitting there. The car for 11 years and 2 months, the bike for 9 months.

I would like I'm to sell one/both of them and buy a work van, making work easier for him, the drive and garage clearer for us both, and leaving my parents van free for when they want it (which they don't really, to be fair).

He's not a twunt, we're just not making each other happy right now.

OP posts:

BigHands · 17/04/2013 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster

BabylonReturns · 17/04/2013 13:25

Thanks BigHands that's really helpful :(

And totally uncalled for too.

OP posts:

BakingWithToddler · 17/04/2013 13:42

It isn't really about the cars, it's about not feeling valued or understood. Any fool can see why blocking a path and access to washing machine are problems that shouldn't exist, yet he is persisting in the car shuffle. Basically he is doing something that is having a detrimental effect on you, and even though there's a simple solution (get rid of bike he's said he no longer wants and use spare flags to create hard standing) he'd prefer to do nothing even though you suffer.

No idea how to get him to care enough about your unhappiness that it would prompt him to change, currently having issue with my 'd'h on that score.

BakingWithToddler · 17/04/2013 13:44

Actually maybe it's more being wilfully ignored. Either way you have my useless sympathy.

IcingOnTheNappyCake · 17/04/2013 13:44

Oh bless you, couldnt you say that your parents need their van back more permanently? I know they dont but he doesnt need to know that! And you could say you dont like the idea of driving the car at all, too big/small/old whatever, if nobody will actually drive it when its done maybe hell get rid, i think you maybe need to make him think its his idea, not yours. And to the person who said if they were married to you theyd stay in the garden too, this is hardly the place for such nasty, uncalled for comments. Ignore them try to say you really understand that he loves the car/motorbike but if you could just have room to get out of the drive it would make life much easier? Hope it gets better.

BigHands · 17/04/2013 13:46

You want to know if you're being unreasonable? That's what you asked wasn't it? Yes, I think you are.

The cars, the van, the bike etc. could be a deal breaker? Really? It doesn't sound like they're the problem does it? Take it to the Relationships thread and don't get upset if someone suggests that there maybe more than one person at fault here.

LemonBreeland · 17/04/2013 13:51

I think it is only reasonable for him to get rid of one of them. He doesn't use them.

Original poster

BabylonReturns · 17/04/2013 16:01

Why am I being unreasonable then BigHands enlighten me?

When 30+ responses say I'm not being unreasonable, and one person says I am. Go on then, tell me why.

Oh and you'll probably be really happy to know you actually made me cry earlier. Well done you big clever person, you, hope that makes you feel good.

OP posts:

Amateurish · 17/04/2013 16:10

YABU to ask him to get rid of the classic car - esp since he had it when you got together. It's not costing you any money, it's obviously just a very long term project. By the way, what car is it?

YANBU about the bike, sounds like he should get rid if you made all that effort to get it roadworthy and he then didn't really use it.

Although TBH it all sounds a bit minor to be a "dealbreaker".

hambo · 17/04/2013 16:12

Babylon, don't listen to the one negative person, focus on the thirty odd positive ones.

DionFortune · 17/04/2013 16:26

Obviously you're not being unreasonable, don't let the opinion of someone who is just being an arse upset you (poster above).

He is behaving selfishly and it seems that your relationship is very unequal. What about caring about each others feelings? You are the one who does all the caring and compromising, he just does what he wants, regardless of the effect on you.

It's not about the cars, it's about the lack of respect. And if he would choose the cars over you what does that tell you about how much you matter to him? From here he doesn't seem to care much at all. And who the fuck made him boss with the final say on things that affect all of you.

I'd be beyond resentment by now, massive rocket up the arse time!

Fragglewump · 17/04/2013 16:33

My hubby would like us to move to a house with a double garage so that he has more space for motorbikes. Even though he rarely rides the one he currently has!!!! I think he feels like he works hard and deserves a toy. I don't begrudge him it as he is a great husband most of the time and if he does something to make me sad he will listen and try not to make the same mistake again. If I felt that his motorbike was more important than me I would however resent it very much. I would also hate not bring able to get in and out of my house and him taking the p out of my parents generosity. Sometimes I think men can let 'toys' get out of hand and reasonable men generally can handle when this is pointed out. "Darling we already have more than enough wheels in our life blocking our drive and we're also borrowing other people's wheels. Lets try and rationalise this and have a tidy up but make sure you keep a project!! Now pour me a glass if wine and let's have a hug!! "

BigHands · 17/04/2013 17:30

It just seems a bit of an overreaction to what is essentially a hobby, albeit a space consuming one. That's what I think is unreasonable. There sounds like other things going on which are bigger. Sometimes its just worth noting there's other perspectives to be taken in to account.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 17/04/2013 18:34

It's not costing her any money?

She posted clearly that it's costing a lot of money!

BakingWithToddler · 17/04/2013 19:02

What perspective? She can't get out of her own house without having to shuffle cars, whilst at least two children wait about inside, probably causing havoc if they're like my children. If she needs to do washing she has to at least shift tools first. Asking for these two big inconveniences to be resolved is not unreasonable. She's suggested using spare paving stones to create hardstanding, so no vehicles need to be sold to ensure clear passage, yet this hasn't been done. To be ignored when there's a simple solution that requires no money and doesn't involve the loss of either vehicle, well it must be soul destroying. That's without touching on the financial worry that could be solved through the sale of a vehicle, or the embarrassing element of a husband willing to take advantage of in law's generosity rather than fund his own work van himself.

BigHands · 17/04/2013 20:09

I think it's just worth considering things from the husband's point of view too. He might be an arse (something we can all be guilty of at times) but we're only getting one side of the story. Maybe this conversation should be had with him rather than us.

DIYapprentice · 17/04/2013 20:30

Big Hands - seriously????!!!! And of course we're only getting one side of the story. We ALWAYS get one side of the story. That's the nature of a forum!

And it's not an overreaction - someone's hobbies should not overwhelm everyone around them ALL THE TIME. It's a HOBBY. It's not their JOB. It's not their LIVELIHOOD. It's not BRINGING IN MONEY. It's a BLOODY HOBBY, and should be way down the pecking order of what people have a right to. And it's not exactly an overwhelming 'I must spend time on this every week' hobby, it's a 'sit around and look ugly while nothing ever gets done with it' hobby.

CLEAN clothes are a requirement - therefore getting to a washing machine is ESSENTIAL. Getting out of the house with your child's pram is ESSENTIAL. Living in an atmosphere that's nice is also BLOODY ESSENTIAL.

jackmonkey · 17/04/2013 20:39

Babylon, having done 4 house moves in 6 years with my DH's boxes being shifted between various garages, cellars and attics and never opened I know how infuriating this is. But, and this is difficult, it might help to take a deep breath and try to relax about this a touch - because really this is an annoying foible rather than something he is doing deliberately to get at you. That is not to say that the blocked driveway etc aren't important; they are. I do think though that you could pick your battle and win it by de-heating the situation and being as calm as possible and perhaps meeting him closer than halfway. I'm sure my husband could level the same type of criticism at me about staying up late etc and I would know he had a point actually - perhaps if you discuss all this with him he can see you are not just 'nagging' and want to make things better all round. I think you also know that worrying about the rent is not insignificant either but from my experience it is just not worth getting het up about the things men do inadvertently(such as towels on floor). If he is a decent bloke he will listen and take things on board - from driveway to rent. I'm aware this may sound a bit 'submissive wife' but ultimately you want your own way and that is not always achieved by approaching things when you're too upset to see things from all angles.

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