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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am i being too sensitive?

44 replies

fairimum · 15/04/2013 22:28

Right, we booked in December to go away with friends this Christmas, they don't have children but have been away with them before. Was all booked and agreed. About a month ago it was mentioned that another friend (closer to them) was also coming, not a problem, had idea she might be as husband likely to be away over xmas. Yesterday it was mentioned to me that another friend was coming and due to mix of dogs (we all have several and very dog friendly place are staying) they had booked another cottage for them down the road (the reasoning on mix of dogs never really made sense to me). Friend had got bit confused over cost of cottages and i said if that was the case we couldnt afford to go (double cost if they werent staying where planned). She appologised and said would find solution. I then questioned why she would book somewhere else without even mentioning it to me and asked how she would have felt if the people she had planned to go away with then announced they were no longer coming with you and staying up the road. said the whole reason to go away was had all said would rather spend time together than with family (we have 3 children so big decison not to spend with grandparents/cousins), due to that we did not want to essentially go away to sit on our own in the evenings over xmas as can do that at home for free and whole point was to all be together.

I then asked for clarification as to what sparked the need to book another cottage as became clear the mix of dogs wasnt the real reason. friend got very defensive and basically refused to say anything saying she had cocked up and the reason no longer mattered and either we want to go or we don't but they do want to spend xmas together as planned...

honestly don't know how to feel now and appreciate any thoughts - am i being too sensitive taking this personally?

OP posts:

Footface · 15/04/2013 23:04

If it was me, I'd go, think about it the whole, be very quite as I would've uncomfortable. Rather than offend anyone

Original poster

fairimum · 15/04/2013 23:05

not sure yet, have told them that if honestly was no other issue than the mix of dogs that made them book other place and still want to go then we will still go. going to see how i feel in a couple of weeks i think as still a long time away. see how it goes when we are all together etc

OP posts:

thermalsinapril · 15/04/2013 23:06

If she's not going to be open and honest with you then I'd pull out. It's all very well giving you an ultimatum (either you want to come or you don't) but it's all on her terms. You can issue an ultimatum of your own - either we're good enough friends for you to be open and honest with me, or we're not.

Original poster

fairimum · 15/04/2013 23:06

thermals that is a good point! thank you!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 15/04/2013 23:11

Have I got this straight?

Your family and Principle Friends booked a cottage.

Friend then invited Lone Friend A, then Lone Friend B - too many dogs to factor into this.

Now 2 cottages booked, you are in one (with dogs and children) - everyone else is in cottage 2 (dogs, no children)

You need original couple to stay in your cottage to split costs or you cant afford it?

But, Principle friends are trying to be kind and not have Lone friends alone for Christmas and have made a cock up of the bookings.

Seem to be a lot of lonely dog walkers out there - cant you find another one to split the cost with you?

quesadilla · 15/04/2013 23:15

It sounds to be as if one or both of these other friends doesn't want to stay with your family. Not knowing you I have no idea why but if they are childless I would bet its about not wanting to stay in a small place with three children.
But the friend you originally booked with is out of order. They should have stood their ground when the other friend suggested changing arrangements. If you commit to doing something like sharing accomodation, you commit. If you can't get a straight answer about what's happened I would write her off. Shabby behaviour.

Original poster

fairimum · 15/04/2013 23:16

lol - now all back staying together (as is room) - my only issue is why they felt the need to book the other cottage in the first place as actually not needed, as always space for people and dogs to stay together - no not dog walkers, but do a dog sport at the weekends

OP posts:

EverybodysSootyEyed · 15/04/2013 23:16

Holly

I think they would all fit in the original cottage but they made an excuse that the dogs would be a problem if all together so dumped OP in the original cottage on their own

that would mean evenings alone as stuck with the kids in bed etc

I can see why you are pissed off and I would do as thermals said!

EverybodysSootyEyed · 15/04/2013 23:17

xpost

agree with quesadilla and your friend is getting defensive because she feels stuck in the middle

quesadilla · 15/04/2013 23:18

This "mix of dogs" thing is a very thin excuse IMHO, incidentally. What does that even mean? The posh dogs don't want to eat with the chavvy dogs?

Original poster

fairimum · 15/04/2013 23:21

just means are several grumpy dogs in the mix that would take some managing to make sure they don't fight, but we manage this on a weekly basis as it is and do have all summer to get them used to being around each other.

yes whole point in going away with them was the social side

OP posts:

starfishmummy · 15/04/2013 23:22

I think I would pull out too - even if your friend says she will go back to the original arrangement, it could be very uncomfortable.
Also in your position I would not want to risk them pulling out later and leaving me with the full bill. If you cancel now you will probably just lose the deposit, leave it later and you may have to pay the lot.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/04/2013 23:33

Shabby behaviour, yes. Not sure why they went ahead and booked the other cottage without even asking what your thoughts were.

K8Middleton · 15/04/2013 23:49

I think you may be being a bit over sensitive. It sounds to me like a big misunderstanding that's got out of hand and your friend probably feels in the middle and you having a go demanding answers when she just cocked up has put her back up.

I can easily imagine one or other of the add-on friends saying "we'd love to come too but don't want to be in the way so we'll rent somewhere else". Original friend says "oh that's a good idea, I'll come and stay with you because op has her dh and children and then she'll appreciate the space and not want all these dogs getting in the way."

So yes, a bit thoughtless but I'd take what she says at face value about too many dogs and getting the costs wrong. I would take the hump if I ballsed it up, explained and got questioned as if I was lying.

K8Middleton · 15/04/2013 23:50

Dogs getting in the way? Dogs not getting on and harm work keeping them apart sounds more realistic doesn't if?!

SarahAndFuck · 16/04/2013 00:10

It's quite confusing. So originally it was:

You and DH + children + Dogs

Friend and her DH + Dogs

and you were sharing the original cottage together. Then they invited:

Lone Friend + Dogs

and then also:

Extra Friend (who may or may not go) + Dogs

And then even though there is room for everybody and their dog in the original cottage, they all booked a second cottage down the road without you and planned to leave your family alone in the original cottage instead, doubling your costs and with no real explanation. And didn't tell you about this until the second cottage was booked.

And when you asked your friend why she first blamed the dogs and is now refusing to give a proper reason.

And is also pinning the blame on you for any awkwardness by saying that she's now said you can all stay together as originally planned and that you can go or not but to stop going on about it.

I think I would take thermals suggesting and turn that back on her, saying that you are either good enough friends to be honest with each other or you are not.

Original poster

fairimum · 16/04/2013 00:11

Maybe k8 you might have a point! Thank you for your thoughts!

OP posts:

Original poster

fairimum · 16/04/2013 00:13

Sarah that is exactly the situation!

OP posts:

K8Middleton · 16/04/2013 00:14

You're welcome :) I'd totally over analyse it if it was me but I think in almost all cases people really do mean well. Even if they are thoughtless/foolish/tactless etc.

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