to ring in sick? (LONG!)

[NotYoMomma]

Quick bit of background, DH and I disagree on what's the best thing to do.

Anxiety sufferer, only ever been signed off with it once for one week when I was pregnant 2 years ago.

Now pregnant again, and suffering anxiety again. It had been under control for 2 years since the last and only incidence but has reared its ugly head again.

I also have a phobia of having the baby amongst other medical fears (It is a full blown phobia and I've had two rounds of therapy which has helped, but I still am all consumed by fear and panic whenever the time comes to go to the hospital - and although I do try my best and generally succeed in keeping it out of the workplace, I sometimes get teary easily and panicked about other minor issues, but it all stems back to this)

Anyway:

I don't want to get into too much detail as it will out me but...

Someone at work really spoke to me badly the other day, pulled me aside to criticise me despite being the same level as me. My job is target driven and he spent half an hour telling me how bad my ideas were. I said we should agree to disagree this stage and went back to my desk. Due to previous run ins with this person and other team members we had been told to see manager and not discuss amongst ourselves. Fair enough.

I had a quiet word with manager, just a general chat about the way he spoke to me and the things he said making me anxious I was doing stuff wrong and being looked down upon etc, he said he would have a word as he was aware that the way this person speaks to others is not always appropriate.

So that was it I thought, word would be had and that would be that. This guy has had a few run ins with o the people before, but not really with me that's been reported.

I started to feel queasy and was already upset about the incident so I went outside for a bit and then came back to my desk. I was just about to start working when he comes back in, stands over my desk and starts shouting at me (on a floor of maybe 100 people) that he is disgusted, he tries to help all the time (presumably by telling you how SHIT you are for 30 minutes - this wasn't the first time) and I should never speak to him again, don't I know what he does for the team etc...

Now although I feel pathetic and teary at the best of times at the minute this just sent me over the edge.

I gaped a bit and said 'are you joking?' I never expected to be accosted a my desk in front of so many people. I was 1) mortified and 2) quite intimidated. He was making lots of angry gestures right in my face and shouting that we should deal with out problems through the manager. When I pointed out that I had he just told me to shut up and never speak to him again.

At which point about half the office was staring at us and I started to panic. Got taken outside, weeping, crying, panicked and absolutely apologetic to manager as I hadn't meant for that to happen and just wanted to deal with it professionally, never expected it to blow up at my desk, a quiet word would have done.

He said I had nothing to be sorry for but by that time I was nigh on having a panic attack. Wasn't full blown thank God and I managed to breathe and calm down a bit.

Eventually went back to work but I sit right next to this guy and I was shaking so much, every time he moved I shook and got teary. I ended up going home early sick. I think I am going to log a proper complaint about it

.....

So as I have been a LOT more panicky than I have in a while and I keep sobbing at the very thought of going to work, and I'm already marked as sick, I was going to ring in tomorrow and get a doctor's appointment as I really don't feel very mentally stable at the minute. I think I need to talk through these issues, the pregnancy, the phobia, the work incident and panic attack and see if they can offer me any help like they did last time.

Dh is of the opinion that it is pregnancy hormones and that I should go in, log my complaint and ask to be moved. (Won't happen for weeks though)

I think I'd rather have 1 insurance of 1.5 days sick and see a doctor to see if they can help me (I feel like I'm on the edge all the time) than have .5 days sick, don't seek any help and then maybe nee some more time down the line.

I now feel sick at he thought of going in tomorrow and the thought of ringing in sick, I just don't know what do do. I'm scared the doctor will think I'm a whinging time waster....

your health is the most important thing. can i just say though that your anxiety issues are possibly secondary here (bear with me). as a manager who has also extensive hr experience, it sounds like a situation where you absolutely should be putting your concerns in writing to the business and saying that this was a situation that was at best mishandled and at worst just not dealt with at all.

Please contact your manager and tell them tomorrow that you want the situation to be resolved before you return. you will follow the greivance procedure if necessary. you are going to the doctor because of concerns about your health from this incident. if necessary, just contact the hr department and tell them that.

and leave them to get on with it. that is really what i would advise, regardless of pregnancy (which should have them on high alert anyway) or indeed previous anxiety issues (see above).

ignore your other half, in the nicest possible way- he wasnt there.

Given the circumstances i don't think it is unreasonable to go to the Drs and get signed off work as regardless of whether you suffer from anxiety or not this was an awful thing to be subjected to in work.

I am surprised that if your manager was aware of the situation did not start formal proceedings against your colleague. It is quite shocking that you had to sit next to them after such a tirade.

you do need to follow this up with a formal complaint so phone or email hr detailing the incident, who witnessed it and how you had to sit next to him after the incident all of which has led you to be signed off with stress. Do not make reference to suffering from anxiety as it is not relevant at this point. Work place bullying is a serious issue so should be treated accordingly.

i hope it works out well for you.

Yeah, I think I will ring in tomorrow.

Honestly dh is amazing and he was furious, but he has now shifted his focus onto me and as I would normally log my complaint and crack on he thinks that by delaying a return I will be even more anxious when I go back.

Dh has managed to negotiate time off for every single phobia appointment by working extra and volunteering at work so please don't think he is unsupportive, he just can't realistically do anything about this man so is now worried about me in the long run iyswim?

As someone who has had work related stress, this has nothing to do with you being pregnant or your hormones. This is to do with a work place bully not being managed effectively and allowed to behave unprofessionally with no consequences.
Calling in sick may cause your anxiety to rise as you have to return at some point, I would go to work tomorrow, contact HR and put the company on notice that this mans behaviour is making you unwell and that if he is not moved immediately you will be forced to have time off work.
Don't try to excuse his bad behaviour or your justified anxiety about working with him as part of your anxiety disorder or your pregnancy as that will give your manager and HR and easy reason to not deal with him appropriately. Good luck with whatever you decide to do .

I can see what you mean about dh, and he is being supportive BUT i honestly think that you need to establish in the least that this man is not going to be there when you get in. you have said yourself that they will not move him for weeks. they will move faster if you are not at work until they sort it out. it could very easily be that this is just the moment for them to take action. do not worry about what anyone else thinks.

I agree with greenfolder

If your contact with work is by phone initially, follow it up in writing.

OP, if I were you I would....

1. do something nice tonight - don't stay on this thread for ages as you will think and think about. Have a bubble bath or watch a comedy dvd with DH or something.

1. Tomorrow, make a GP's appointment.

1. Then call in sick and tell your manager that it is because of anxiety issues over your colleague's behaviour.

1. Then email HR (email not phone so there is a record!), cc'ing your manager, so nothing is done behind anyone's back:

Dear HR manager,

I am writing to request support. On XXX date, a colleague in my department shouted at me, completely unprovoked, and humiliated me in front of numerous other colleagues. I felt intimidated and threatened. He has already behaved to me in an aggression fashion on several occasions, including on XXX and XXX dates.

My manager, AB, who is cc'd on this email, has already been informed about this incident and has assured me verbally that I 'have nothing to be sorry about' as the incidents of aggression were not provoked by me.

Following these incidents, I have had a flare up of a pre-existing anxiety condition. I am taking time off work today to seek medical help for this, and I am concerned for my health and well-being if I continue to work in an environment where I feel intimidated, undermined, and threatened. Please can I arrange an appointment to discuss what steps HR can take to support me in this situation?

OP

I really hope that helps you. What a horrid situation.

in an aggressive fashion, obvs - sorry

Dear god, what an absolute TWAT your colleague is. Def take a few days off to recover making it clear to your boss why you are off and how they need to deal with this knob and get him moved asap. And you absolutely must lodge a formal complaint with HR. You poor poor thing.

I'm also scared that it won't count as pregnancy related and I could get a disciplinary (as I have been off once with a bug and once with flu already)

I don't think it will count as pregnancy related, but you shouldn't be disciplined for absence caused by workplace bullying.

What revolting said.

At the very least get it on record with your gp the effect the colleague has had on you in case you need it for your complaint and to get yourself some help then speak to your manager before you return to the office. Maybe take half day?

Oh and yes make sure its recorded with HR as sickness absence in relation to the incident at work.

Big hugs to you. What you have described should be disciplinary. He has spoken to you in a bullying and intimidating way. X

Righty ho - HR Manager here.

You call in sick on Monday morning and you report that due to the incident on Friday you have been suffering from acute anxiety all weekend. You also explain that you are making an appointment with the GP for further advice because you are worried about the impact on your pregnancy.

You ask your GP for a fit note and ask him to write "fit for work with adjustments". GP to note that the adjustment is to be moved from the work colleague and regular breaks.

Once you have your fit note you make an appointment to go and see your manager and ask for support - you need to do this quickly because your DH is right the longer you are out of the work place due to anxiety/stress the harder it is to get back in there. Note that you would like to make a formal complaint about this episode of bullying and harassment and that as there were witnesses you hope it will be supported.

How big is the company? Does it have proper procedures? If you were in a room of 100 people I imagine it is relatively well organised. How long have you been there?

OP - that really sounds awful. I just wanted to say that I don't suffer from any MH issues and I would have been shaking and finding it hard to fight back tears if that had happened to me! With PG hormones and an underlying anxiety that's upsetting you due to external reasons, it's not at all surprising that you're shaky now!

I think you should do what RevoltingPeasant said. While hiding from an anxiety problem can't be good, neither is putting yourself back into a very stressful situation, without taking the time to get help for yourself or give your employers time to take action. Hopefully if you see a GP you can feel more stable yourself, and if you make it known at the right level in your organisation just what the problem is and what consequences it is having for you, they will take action earlier than in a normal "transfer" case.

Married...

Massive company, been there 3 years, last 6 months part time.
There is a grievance procedure but I don't know.what it is as its all on the internal system, I'd have to pop in.

This all happened so fast I was a bit shell shocked nth, didn't think to print it out.

I'll ring in tomorrow
tell them I have doc appointment
Also I want to log a complaint against colleague.

I'll email manager and ask him to forward a copy of the policy and then go from there after I've spoken to the doctor

Def do as per your last post - also enquire as to whether they could move him.

Good luck - though if he has form they might be quite chuffed that he has hung himself professionally.

Good luck. Sure will all be fine. Do they have an employee assistance type scheme that could help arrange confidential counselling?

Be very clear that the colleague's behaviour has caused you to feel like this and you are worried about the impact on the pregnancy. If your manager heard it and there were witnesses then it is likely that action might already be in place and that your input could be helpful.

I've got a lunchtime appointment.

I've cried a lot this morning and have thrown up quite a few times! I think it's stress tbh :(

I hate this

Hang in there OP. It sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place with anxiety caused by work as well as the anxiety around the medical side of pregnancy.

Hopefully after you speak to your GP you can form and follow a plan of action that will get you to a stronger place.

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but what you describe is bulling in the work place. Lodge a written formal complaint.

OMG, anyone behaving like that in my office would be out of the door that afternoon !

Totally unacceptable and you should not expect to have to go and sit with him after that.

Thank you so much everyone.

Doctor referred me back to speak to someone and signed me off for a few weeks.

When I've told my boss he mentioned the policy and I have to put it in writing to give him on Wednesday and he will put it to HR and I have his full support.

I feel honestly like a weight has been lifted and I can breathe a bit. I think the panic at the doctors helped and it all just came rushing out!
I'm so glad I've got peo