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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A bunch of flowers does not solve the problem?

24 replies

Thumbtack · 14/04/2013 08:15

Lovely addition to the living room, yes. Sweet idea, yes.

But AIBU to think that getting me a £3.99 bunch of flowers does not instantly wipe the slate clean? Does he think that i'll be dazzled by the beauty of the flowers and forget that i'm a bit fed up with him?

Its just a little niggle really, I just want him to pull his weight a little bit more around the house and with childcare/dog walking, and perhaps stop putting us all at the bottom of his 'to do' list . . . a bunch of flowers and then carrying on as before hasnt quite solved the problem . .

AIBU?

Anyone else had this?

OP posts:

purrpurr · 14/04/2013 08:17

Ugh, yes. You need to tell him straight. Also, I hate to be a bunch of flowers snob, but £3.99?

pictish · 14/04/2013 08:19

Yanbu. Is this how it goes then? Things build up, you communicate your thoughts and feelings, and he placates you with apologies and flowers, which are less about recognising you may have a point, and more to do with getting you to stop going, before things return as they were before with you doing the lion's share while he pleases himself?

Theicingontop · 14/04/2013 08:19

Yanbu. Mine gets extra nobhead points if they're reduced to clear

My reply would be, "Unless you took the dog with you to buy those flowers on the way to get ingredients for making the kids' breakfasts, I think I'll pass thanks."

dawntigga · 14/04/2013 08:28

Also, a gift that causes work for the recipient isn't really a gift. You have to find a bloody vase, cut the ends off, make sure they have water and throw them away when they die.

CanYouTellI'mNotAFlowersFanTiggaxx

RunsWithScissors · 14/04/2013 08:29

YANBU. I told my DH when we first moved in together that although I love flowers, I didn't want them bought because they were expected (ie. valentine's), and NEVER after an argument/disagreement. I wanted them bought when he thought "hmm, these would be a nice idea to get for scissors".

As in most things, it's the thought that counts. And I think Pictish has got his thoughts nailed...

Original poster

Thumbtack · 14/04/2013 08:35

Its not that im ungrateful, but your right dawntigga I have to find a vase etc etc

I thought I had told him straight! He is a nice man but possibly a bit dim if he thinks a bunch of flowers is a 'get out of jail free card'

OP posts:

AThingInYourLife · 14/04/2013 08:36

A bunch of flowers solves the problem of a lack of flowers.

It doesn't solve the problem of a lazy spouse.

pictish · 14/04/2013 08:37

Stop going on...that was meant to say.

pictish · 14/04/2013 08:39

Indeed thing.

pumpkinsweetie · 14/04/2013 08:39

I see what you mean, what you really want is for him to get of his arse and actually do something rather than make a cop-out by buying you flowers.
I wouldn't be ungrateful, i would say "thankyou for the flowers, But....this, this and this i would like you to help me with"

Original poster

Thumbtack · 14/04/2013 08:46

I think your right pictish

next time he feels a little frisky, I might go and get him a bunch of flowers and say 'are we all sorted now'?

I feel bad posting this now coz he is a sweetie really, just a bit lazy sometimes

OP posts:

MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/04/2013 08:49

"Thank you for the flowers DH, while I put them in a vase, you are taking the children and the dog out for a nice long walk. Have a nice time."

I feel your pain though, my DH used to make an effort for a few days as his gesture, then everything would slip back to normal. He is a lot better now, does laundry and empties the dishwasher without being asked. So don't settle for it, he can change if he wants to.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 14/04/2013 08:50

Next time he feels frisky, tell him straight that you're too bloody tired after having to do everything yourself, and that having to mother your spouse is a complete and utter turn off! (can you tell I've had this conversation myself?! )

fluffyraggies · 14/04/2013 08:54

I adore being bought flowers. I get all happy-tearful and actually really enjoy the vase/arranging bit.

However YANBU OP, and even if he had bought you something you do enjoy (meal out, jewelery, whatever, costing whatever) it would not replace proper thought about what you have told him.

I would second the idea that you should show gratitude for the flowers (the pro's and con's of flower buying can be sorted out between you another time) and ask for another chat about the division of chores.

pictish · 14/04/2013 08:56

Here's an out there thought....

Dh and I split chores a wee bit differently to other couples.

I am a SAHM, he works FT. He leaves 8am and gets home 6.30ish...Mon-Fri. We have three children...11, 5 and 4.

I do all the cleaning, tidying, cooking, deal with all the school schtick, and do most of the food shopping as well.

He does ALL the laundry. He washes, hangs, folds and puts away.

When he is here (evenings and weekends) we split childcare 50/50 quite naturally.

It's simple, and it works really well for us. Worth a try? Decide between you one large task that your dh can have sole responsibility for. I used to HATE hanging and putting away washing, whereas dh didn't mind it and couldn't see why I was so grumbly about it.
That's how that came about. With three kids, doing the laundry is a wonderful contribution.

Trumpton · 14/04/2013 08:58

(XXX#101) All for love
Sadie is visiting her best friend Rose one afternoon for tea and notices a lovely vase of fresh flowers in the kitchen.
?Oh Rose,? says Sadie, ?what amazing flowers.?
?Yes, they are nice, aren?t they,? said Rose. ?I get sent flowers every week.?
?So where do you get them from? Tell me, are you having an affair??
?Don?t be silly Sadie, of course not. My husband sends them to me.?
?What on earth do you have to do for them??
?Do for them?? replied Rose, ?I have to spend my life on my back with my legs in the air, that?s what.?
?Why,? asks Sadie, ?don?t you have a vase??

AThingInYourLife · 14/04/2013 09:03

"With three kids, doing the laundry is a wonderful contribution."

It sure is - that's an infinite amount of washing!

marriedinwhiteagain · 14/04/2013 09:06

Quite nice to have a thread moaning about a bunch of flowers rather than domestic violence though. Wish my DH would buy a little bunch of flowers for time to time but he says he feels a wally walking along with them. His father never did it see, so he never learned to give the little things. That's what annoys me. OTH - I often lob a huge bunch in the trolley.

pictish · 14/04/2013 09:09

It really is. He spends ages every evening hanging and drying and putting away. At the weekends the lines outside are full.
If he gets a bit lazy through the week and we're all toiling for pants, he will do a mammoth laundry marathon at the weekend, doing four lloads in a day.
He just gets on with it. I take little notice...most of the time I open my drawers and there are clean folded clothes.

I do pretty much everything else day to day and housey.

Totally works for us.

ForYourEyesYoniBrian · 14/04/2013 09:10

DH does this too. So much that a bunch of lillies is known as "sorry for being a twat" flowers.

it would be lovely to get some just for a random reason, so I buy them for myself. emancipated and shit

McNewPants2013 · 14/04/2013 09:18

It shows that he cares and breaks the ice after an argument.

What needs to be done now is a calm discussion on what gets done and by who.

CloudsAndTrees · 14/04/2013 09:33

A bunch of flowers doesn't solve the problem, but it can be the gesture that leads to the discussion which ultimately solves a problem.

AThingInYourLife · 14/04/2013 09:42

"he says he feels a wally walking along with them."

Ha! I know what he means. I feel very self-conscious walking in public with a bunch of flowers.

People might look at him and wonder what he has to apologise for :o

Original poster

Thumbtack · 14/04/2013 10:13

I'm always very appreciative as i know its a nice gesture, like you say, McNewPants it does show he cares . . and I think being appreciative is good manners.

I think I'll accept the flowers and then designate actual jobs to him rather than wait for him to use his initiative, bless him he is a simple creature.

OP posts:

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