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To have stayed in- again!

17 replies

HappilyChatterly · 13/04/2013 18:42

Its my friends birthday get together tonight. They are in a band with my husband and the band will be playing. DHs band has lots of gigs, there have been many friend's birthdays in the last couple of years...and I have attended none of them.

A bit of background, I have struggled with my weight since childhood. I was always tall and "well developed" which made me feel massively fat (looking back at pics, I wasn't). I suffered with bulimia as a teenager and have had a few relapses, usually when I am trying to "tackle" my weight, diets do not work for me, if I break them, I make myself sick. In the last 10 years I have put on about stone a year to the point that my BMI is now nearly 50. I had a year of fad diets before my wedding which meant I managed to maintain where I was, losing and gaining a stone and losing again, throughout the year. After the wedding I piled the weight on. After 6 months I could see the looks of suprise on people's faces, who hadn't seen me since the wedding.

Now I am massive! I am so ashamed. There are people who havent seen me for a long time and I know it will be like, "Whoa! what happened to Happily?!" A few times when I have been out random strangers have made cruel comments.

But, I know that it is unreasonable and being a bad friend to let my lack of control with eating stop me celebrating with a friend. And, its very unreasonable as a wife to let it stop me supporting DH's band. One of the other WAGs made a comment about how I never come to gigs. :(

I know I am BU so, not sure why I'm posting really. Just feeling pretty worthless and disgusting right about now, just dropped DH off in town with some friends. The girls are all going to get ready together, I'm jealous but at the same time I know I'm BU as I'm the one stopping myself from joining in. I would love to lose weight but all attempts end in me either putting on weight or relapsing back into binging and purging. Bah, anyway, I guess I am going to a party tonight- a pity party!

OP posts:

OldBagWantsNewBag · 13/04/2013 18:51

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ParmaViolette · 13/04/2013 18:53

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thermalsinapril · 13/04/2013 18:53

Don't take any notice of anyone else! There are loads of larger people who have a happy and interesting social life - why shouldn't you be one of them? Smile


HappilyChatterly · 13/04/2013 18:59

I cant now as got no babysitter for DS.

I really want to do something about my weight! I'm just shit at diets. I sabotage myself and then punish myself. I had some councelling sessions to help me with it, they brought on a relapse. I have seen the dietician, joined slimming world, ww, cambridge diet, fasting diet, tried to be sensible. Put weight on each time, due to sabotaging myself with binges, much worse than my "normal" eating when I'm not watching what I eat (althought my normal diet is enought to make me put on weight too).

My eating is so disordered, I will avoid eating breakfast as I am scared I'll "eat the wrong thing" and ruin the day, I can often go till DS is in bed without eating, then I binge all night. I'm fooked I fear.

Thanks for the encouragement.

OP posts:

IloveJudgeJudy · 13/04/2013 18:59

I absolutely sympathise with you. I am in the same position. I find it very, very hard to diet. I gave up smoking, years ago, no problem. Didn't put weight on, but, especially as I no longer have to do the school run, the weight has piled on. I know it's all my fault, but that doesn't help, does it?

Do go to the gig. Anyone who thinks badly of you was never a good friend, anyway, were they? I do know it's easier said that done.


Misknit · 13/04/2013 19:01

Go home, get changed and go. Don't over think and analyse. Put some up beat music on as soon as you get home and don't stop singing until you are ready to walk out the door. Don't presume your friends think about you in the same way you think about yourself. If they are your friends they will be pleased to see you.

You can't put your life on hold because you are only going to make yourself more miserable; you're likely to descend further down a very vicious spiral.

Now go (and come back and tell us how the evening went.


Misknit · 13/04/2013 19:05

Sorry crossed posts. You have to stop the punishment mindset. You deserve to be happy and enjoy life no matter size you are.

When was the last time you treated yourself?


ParmaViolette · 13/04/2013 19:06

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HeySoulSister · 13/04/2013 19:08

Come over to the weight loss threads

We can help!!


Bobyan · 13/04/2013 19:09

Go to your gp and admit you have an eating disorder. There is no diet in the world that will work for you until you know why you eat the way you do.


HappilyChatterly · 13/04/2013 19:13

Thank you for the support.

I really worry about going down the eating disorders route as in the past, it has made me worse, becasue I am focussing on the problem. But I do accept I need to sort out the real cause of my behaviours around food.

I'm a selfish prick though, I have a beautiful DS, you'd think if I cant do it for myself I could at least do it for him.

OP posts:

ParmaViolette · 13/04/2013 19:19

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Montybojangles · 13/04/2013 19:51

Stop blaming and punishing yourself. we are all a little screwed up in one way or another, no one is perfect. It's time you get help to accept who you are, how you got there, find where you want to go, and how you are going to get there.

think how long it took to put on your extra weight, you can't expect it to be fixed overnight. It will take a while, and you will have blips where you have a binge (we all do), but you have to learn to just draw a line and move on. One day of messing up (think of it as having a day off) is just that, one day. It won't undo days or weeks of careful eating.

Good luck


CartedOff · 13/04/2013 19:58

I can really sympathise. I have a disability that becomes more and more apparent over time and it's awful not knowing if people are just casually looking at you or are looking at you - their attention being drawn because of your appearance.

Yes, it's important that you lose weight if that is what you want and it will make you happier. But in the meanwhile you can't shut yourself off from the world. So there's two things you could aim for- one: being more confidence in going out, and two: losing weight in a healthy way.

It sounds like your emotional health needs to be cared for as well as your body. The mixture of anxiety, low self-esteem and so on can haunt you even if you lose weight.


HappilyChatterly · 13/04/2013 20:26

I know you are all right, and it is exactly what I would be saying to anyone else feeling this way.

I am so very scared to admit I have an eating disorder. I just want to be a dieting success story not a patient. I put myself forward for a research project into a self help book for overeaters. After my initial interview they said I could not go on with it as they thoguht I had an eating disorder and that I required much more support than just the book. They sent a letter to my GP saying the same. I was so angry, ashamed, upset- not sure exactly what emotions really but there were lots and they felt horrible. I went back and demanded they interview me again. I told the truth during the interview, but I may have emphasised certain things and made less of a big deal about others and they said they were they felt that actually, I didnt have an eating disorder. All the words that I said were true, but I think my tone masked a lot, IYSWIM? I'm just so scared to be labeled again. It was terrible last time, hearing the word bulimic attributed to me just made me want to eat till I was bursting then bring it all up again.

Weirdly enough I am fine meeting new people, I know I have loads of positive qualities that are nothing to do with my weight and that is what people, hopefully, focus on when they meet me. But seeing people who havent seen me for a while and knowing what they must be thinking...makes me shudder and feel sick.

OP posts:

trinity0097 · 13/04/2013 20:37

Have you tried changing your levels of physical activity first rather than changing the food aspect since that obviously hasn't worked for you.


HappilyChatterly · 13/04/2013 20:48

I have bought the DDP yoga dvd, I really want to try that, it has inspired me a lot.

OP posts:
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