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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday with my two best friends - AIBU?

51 replies

grapelovingweirdo · 12/04/2013 17:37

DP doesn't want me to go, got angry when he found out earlier.

I don't understand what his problem is and wish he would just trust me.

He is absolutely amazing most of the time too, he seems to think that there is an issue because my friends are single. They are lovely though and not caners, he has met them both and gets on well with them, both female.

Am I unreasonable to wonder if I'm in the right relationship? This is the man who lied about being divorced from the mother of his kids for a year and a half (found out on Facebook!)

He often accuses me of making myself up to be more attractive to men (I do it to look and feel good for myself)

Am I being totally selfish? I'm 28, he is 40 if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 12/04/2013 18:54

the difficult thing is that he has so many good points! He makes me laugh until my stomach hurts, is really sweet, we get on so well most of the time that we practically have our own language. It would kill me to leave him. I really really do love him Hmm

All that sounds like a giant red flag, why are you so engrossed in each other's lives, you sound like love sick teenagers.

The fact that you have already only had one other significant relationship (7 years) and you are only 28 ........... have you lived alone, enjoyed your own company or do you 'need' to have a man in your life?

Sorry if that sounds harsh but this does not sound like a loving relationship between two equal partners. To me it sounds that he is so controlling that he has 'made' you feel this way about him. That is not healthy.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 12/04/2013 18:57

Ragwort, I'm not at all offended and you are quite right. I've only had one other relationship, the fact that I've never been on my own was never a conscious decision though. Believe it or not, I'm very independent, have a good job, lots of good friends. We're not co dependent or anything. I had that before and know the difference. This latest thing really doesn't feel right though and I'm trying to be mature and make the right decision; hence my op

OP posts:
seriouscakeeater · 12/04/2013 19:03

Op this thread is going to be hijacked very soon with lots of posters shouting ''leave the bastard!'' and I hate those. Some times Op's come on just to vent a little and get things of there chest and it quickly turns in to a massive DP bashing. In this case though...

In your Op you have listed 3 red flags in this relationship and I think you all ready know that its not healthy.

I would leave ( and did after toooo long) but have a feeling you wont...at least be adamant that you are going on the holiday, and go.

Good luck, think your gonna need it .

foosty · 12/04/2013 19:07

ok, sorry I misread that. But anyway, he sounds bad. I had a jealous boyfriend once and it was hellish - I couldn't ever go out without him without a huge stink, and one time I was in a club and spotted him standing in a dark corner, alone, staring at me

The thing is, this won't get any better. He wants you doing as he pleases, which is why the thought of you going on holiday without him is causing such an issue. He can't control you if you're not by his side. You might feel loved and cherished at the moment, but believe me it's only a matter of time until you feel smothered and controlled.

Get rid, then go on holiday and have a ball. Be single - it's brilliant if you want it to be!

JaceyBee · 12/04/2013 20:18

In answer to your question, no you are definitely not BU.

I wouldn't necessarily say you have to leave him over this, but you really should make it very clear that you can and will be going on this holiday. He may be jealous and jealousy feels awful but it is HIS problem, don't let him make it yours.

He will just have to sit with the anxiety and tolerate it. You can reassure him that you love him and have no intention of cheating but I think if you give in to him on this it will be the start of a slippery slope and you will end up conceding more and more ground.

I think this may well set a precedent for the rest of your relationship. Assert your right to independence now!

JaceyBee · 12/04/2013 20:20

Am slightly Envy myself, wish I had 2 single friends. They're all popping out babies now and I'm a single mum. Actually, can I come with you? Grin

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 12/04/2013 21:07

Jacey, the more the merrier!

OP posts:
Saski · 12/04/2013 21:37

My husband is like this intermittently. It's not a good quality. It will get worse.

maddening · 12/04/2013 22:57

Well if you are determined to stay I would suggest counselling as a couple - he needs to sort out these issues.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 12/04/2013 23:19

Never said i was determined to stay. After the horror of my last relationship, I'm reluctant to suffer in a similar way. Just wanted to check I wasn't being u

OP posts:
schoolgovernor · 12/04/2013 23:31

Go on holiday. It will give you a bit of time and space to reflect on your relationship. If he really kicks up about you booking it and life gets really unpleasant then you've got your answer.

schoolgovernor · 12/04/2013 23:33

p.s. It wouldn't kill you to leave him.

quoteunquote · 12/04/2013 23:42

Alec Guinness voice on,

This isn't the man you are looking for.

Alec Guinness voice off.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 13/04/2013 11:01

Now he says he sees this as the end of the relationship. I'm useless and I don't do anything for him

OP posts:
Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 13/04/2013 11:03

Thing is, it makes me feel so shit. He says I am clearly not invested in him, that I don't care about him and that my friends are more important. I saved enough money to o away with him too. Of course he is my priority.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 13/04/2013 11:18

He is a control freak.. let it be the end of the relationship, because believe me, it wont get any better, all he will do is isolate you until you have no friends, and rely completely on him.

You are not useless. And trust me, he is NOT amazing.

sparkle12mar08 · 13/04/2013 11:31

Run, and don't look back. Don't waste the next couple of years um-ing and ahh-ing over it and then find yourself alone in your early thirties having to start again.

Pigsmummy · 13/04/2013 11:35

I was with a man for 11 years, I worked and was successful in the travel industry requiring trips away, however the grief I got from him when going away was so awful that I tried to avoid the (fantastic and free!) trips. I finally left him and regret staying so long. I wished that I had taken every trip going now! Go for it and tell him that he can't dictate to you about this holiday.

Incidentally this ex is single still, 12 years after I left him and lives with his Mum now.....

pinkyredrose · 13/04/2013 11:42

YANBU . You just appear to have fallen in.love with an arsehole.

YonirockandrollbutIlikeit · 13/04/2013 11:43

YANBU. Get rid.

Hopasholic · 13/04/2013 11:46

Call his bluff then. He really is a controlling manipulator.

Things won't improve as you'll start doing thigs for a 'quiet life' if you let him dictate to you.

DontmindifIdo · 13/04/2013 12:01

If he says it will end your relationship, then tell him that's his choice, but that you think he's being a controlling bully and so if he wants a woman he can control, then it's probably best you end your relationship now as you'll be leaving him for that later. Or he can deal with his insecurities.

Did his ex cheat? Can you point out to him if you wanted to cheat you could in the UK easily, so he has to think about what he wants, to always be single because he can't trust someone else, or to accept that he can't control anohter person's behaviour, just trust that they will be faithful.

It's now not about the holiday, this is going to define the rest of your relationship. If he's forced to confront his desire to control you and realise he can't, then you might have a future, if not, then what's the point being with him? He'll make you miserable for the rest of your life, the laughing until it hurts etc will become fewer and further apart.

Personally, I think you'd be better off ending this relationship, but it's your choice, just don't back down on the holiday. I'd also say one "I bet you cheated" type comment from him when you come back and you will end your relationship there and then.

Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 13/04/2013 12:23

Thanks so much everyone. I can see how feeble I must appear just from reading my posts back. I'm definitely going though. Have just booked! Am also enrolling on a boot camp scheme to get buff and feel good. I think it's about time. I'm a songwriter (only well known locally) and the majority of my songs lately have been so sad. Says something right there. I really love this man and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him laughing, making music and cuddling. I'm devastated it will never happen but have to remove myself from an ea environment. You guys have been really helpful Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
grapelovingweirdo · 13/04/2013 12:24

Shit!! I added paragraphs and they disappeared. Fail Confused

OP posts:
gonerogue · 13/04/2013 12:31

Just wanted to say well done on recognising the situation and getting out of it before you are too deep. Enjoy the holiday.