to be utterly sick of death of DH's job and working hours. It's an epic post I'm afraid!

[SlowlyWakingUp]

DH is a lorry driver and has been for 11 years. He works weekends and until late into the night (gets back between 10pm-midnight) leaving me to deal with all the DCs stuff, dinner homework, bed and to sit on my own in the evening. I can't have hobbies or go out on a regular night in the evening as he works different days and there is no flexibility at all.

Backstory: When we met, married and had our first DC he was in a different industry altogether and worked weekday daytimes so was home by 6pm. Not sure why! but it was down to me to drop off and pick up DC1 from nursery, rush to pick her up, leave work if she was ill, take time off etc. We had a bad experience with a childminder a year before DC1 started school and a situation arose where I decided I could not keep DC1 there and was not going to unsettle her by moving her to someone else again for a short time so one of us would have to stay home with her until she started school.

DH refused point blank to quit his job even though my job was about £10k better paid, more secure, fabulous pension and better long term prospects and basically decided it was my 'problem'. So I had no option but to become a SAHM, ironically I fell pregnant just as my notice period ended with a much wanted DC2 which we had been trying for 2 years for so I lost a years fully paid maternity leave (grrr) and I resigned myself to staying at home indefinitely so we had to downsize massively and move towns to get a smaller mortgage so we could cope on DH's much smaller wage! Sadly DC2 was stillborn and within that same month DH was sacked for misconduct (later received a payout for unfair dismissal because the reason they sacked him was a load of bullshit!) but I had to fight it for him and deal with the industrial tribunal just after suffering the trauma of losing a child because it was out of his depth. Years later, I still feel resentment that he actually lost his job just a few months after he refused point blank to stay at home with DC1 so I could continue working thereby throwing us into a financial catastrophe as neither of us were earning for months!

Shortly afterwards we had moved and I had found another fulltime job, not great pay but good propects, 9-4pm hours Mon-Fri. We could have coped on my wage at that stage. DH was at home with DC1 as he could not get another job until his industrial tribunal was over and he could get a job reference, it was not out of choice. Then I discovered I was very unexpectedly pregnant again with twins. I was terrified of telling my employers as I had only been there for about a month but it was fine and I was due to return after maternity leave. In the meantime DC1 started school. DH had taken another job in his current industry which was supposed to be temporary until I went back to work after having the DTs but he decided to make it permanent as he was offered a higher wage and a permanent job and again refused to stay home with the DCs. He actually used savings we had as getting his HGV licence cost in excess of £2k despite my not agreeing to it as I knew the hours were shit and he would never be at home. The nursery fees for 2 babies and afterschool fees for DC1 far outstripped my wages and with travelling costs I would have brought in a massive minus not to mention the loads of work that would have had to be done in the evenings and having 2 babies who did not sleep. DH's job was as a night time lorry driver so I would have had to be up with the babies in the night on my own and then drop them at nursery, DC1 at school and go to work and that was not going to happen so again I had to quit my job! I also had a terrible phobia of being on my own at night as we had been burgled previously while we were asleep and DT1 had several febrile convulsions which I woke up to in the middle of night but would DH change his job (or even look into changing it) as he knew I could not sleep while he worked so was permanently knackered, would he hell . I put up with that for 5 bloody years until he moved to days and it left me with severe anxiety from lack of sleep.

So I then had 5 years out of the workplace until the twins started school struggling all the way on one wage. I could not get a part time job in that time as DH's hours constantly changed so would have needed to pay childcare. It was very difficult to get another job after so long out of the workplace but I did get a good one. The job was a long commute again and I had to rely on the tube and then drive so was massively stressed that I might not get back to pick up the DCs from afterschool club and in fact was late on numerous occasions. The final straw came when one of the DCs was ill and it took me 90 mins to get back. DH could not get there either as he was 3 hours away in his frigging lorry. I quit that job too as I could not cope with the travelling, school events, dealing with DCs on my own in the evening and the stress of rushing like a bloody whirlwind to get back to pick them up. I could not spend a minute after 5pm in the office and it was noticed and comments were made so I felt like shit. We had no family at all nearby and no one else to pick them up if I was going to be delayed.

Seems to be a theme in my life but shortly after that I then fell pregnant with DC4 so have been a SAHM for 3 years now and am desperate to get back into work but yet again DH will not budge on his working hours. My job will have to fit around his. There really is nothing locally but London is out as I won't be able to get back for pick ups. Even if I did work, I would still be on my own on weekends and in the evenings dealing with all the DCs and it is soul destroying. Not to mention DH wanting dinner at 10pm and having the kitchen like a bomb site at that time so clearing up again! I know it's minor but still it drives me nuts when I've already cleared it 3 times during the day! I have looked into self employment but I would need to pay out for childcare while potentially not bringing in any money.

I have encouraged, pointed out job ads, looked into training courses and then progressed to shouting and arguing with DH for the last 11 years to retrain or at least look for another job which would fit in better with me working and family life but I can honestly say he has never so much as picked up the local paper to see what other jobs there are out there. He wants me to work but will not think about how we manage the DCs or who looks after them while I do. He does his job because he doesn't want to be stuck in one place and he enjoys it so won't do anything else no matter how much it affects me and the fact that the DCs are left to me. He is now too old to retrain at 44 so I am stuck with him working weekends and evenings for the next 20 years apparently .

I know I am of course lucky he has a job at all but AIBU to think that he is an utter selfish knobend of the highest order? Or should I just be grateful that he works and be the dutiful SAHM? I KNOW my earnings would have outstripped his by now if I had been able to continue working and I have a real need to work as I feel my brain has wasted away! I am sometimes so fecking bored that I try to think up controversial threads on here just so I can get flamed but I can't even do that!!

Feel better for typing it out!

Well DC4 was a surprise after a long gap and the crazy, irrational broodiness that comes with getting older and I guess I was bored! We did not expect it to happen on the first and only time we 'tried' but it did!

Being a single parent would not make any difference to my childcare issues though, believe me I have come very close to that but for one, H would NOT leave without a lot of distress which the DCs would be aware of and for two, I would never put them through what I went through as a child with my own parent's divorce and subsequent complete mind fuck up of my childhood that led me to not having contact with my father for over 30 years (he is an utter shit though so no loss there).

I earnt more than DH does now 15 years ago. Difference is that I have always put the DCs first.

Should have said, DH gave up his job to be a SAHD when I was pregnant with dd2.

I earned more, worked closer to home and my work was so much more flexible than his was. It was his idea too.

It's only now we have DC 3 that I'm SAHM and he works hard for us all.

All three of ours were total surprises :)

How old are your DCs?

I dunno. Having read through your post several times, I am not quite sure what the problem is. Your DH works long hours but so do plenty of people. How would you cope if your DH was in the armed forces or worked on an oil rig or....or....or....or. At least he is working and not lazy or taking drugs or sitting at home and spending your money. With him going out to work, you are able to be a SAHM, don't underestimate that privilege. As someone else said, why did you have more DCs if you wanted to have an easier life and take up your career?

I do appreciate that there are certain aspects of your life that are difficult but I don't see anything in what you write that would make you dislike your DH so much or invite others on here to disrespect him.

Well your choices are, quite bluntly, put up with it or do something about it.

Which one will you choose?

TBH I don't really need to be judged on how many DCs I have. They are as much DH's responsibility to look after as mine.

My main point is - he has done a job for 11 years which has massively affected me working and our family life. He is aware of how much I hate it. In fact when he first started, I practically begged him not to do it as he was working nights and I was freaked out. If the boot had been on the other foot, I would have done something else asap and he has had 11 years to bloody well do so, he is intelligent enough to have done so. Time enough to slowly retrain but he will not even consider it. He likes what he does, so bugger me .

Im in a very similar position Op...Yanbu.

My dp admits he couldn't be a SAHD. I could earn 50% more then my dp if i worked full time, Mon-fri. He works rotating shifts, 7 days a week, with allocated leave.

We have 3 dc, 1 with SN. My life is so restricted by dp shifts. I do end up resentful. But i make the most of the time the dc are at school.

I do know what you are saying Slowly about not wanting to uspet your DCs by breaking up your family. My parents broke up when I was a teenager because my mum was not happy and my dad refused to go to councelling or change anything at all. As a teenage girl I was furious with my mum for what I saw as her putting her happiness above that of her family. As a woman I am proud of my mum for being strong and setting me a good example by showing that I have the right to be happy and that by becoming a mum and a wife I havent signed away my right to have my own life.

Its really difficult and seeing as he wont change, you are going to have to. Either way you will be unhappy for awhile, if you stay with him you will be unhappy as you are now, most likely worse for the next 20 years of his working life. If you leave you will be unhappy for maybe a good few years whilst you deal with the fall out with DCs, but you will be building your own life without the burden of anger that you are carrying now. x

A few observations... not judgements.
First, if you have partnered the type of guy who thinks
His job is automatically more important and sees your main role as 'home and kids' then I dont think anything we say will change that. He sounds sexist and selfish. You need to address that issue but it's been going on a long time so is likely to prove diffiicult

I'm another one who finds it strange to say the least that you went for a 4th child- especially after such a lengthy gap, when you could have been getting your life back on track.

Don't over estimate what you'd have been earning, because even maternity leaves and one or two kids knock your earnings back a bit. I had 2 children, took very short ML and worked 3 days until they were 4, then stepped straight back up to full time. Even though Ive always worked , my earnings and particularly pension aren't as good as they would be if I had not had kids.

Lastly, if you really want to work you'll do it. You'll find childcare even if temporarily it costs the equivalent of your wages (many of us do that)because you'll Want it enough. Don't wait around for your husband to be available for childcare- sort out a proper nursery or cm. you had one bad experience but don't let that put you off. Ditto with evening hobbies- find a babysitter rather than waiting to see if your husband is available. You don't need to put your life on hold any more.

I think YABU & a bit woe is me. I don't think it's your dh's responsibility to not work nights due to your anxieties ( you could have gone to the GP for help overcoming that) & as others have pointed out if you had wanted to work you would have. If you truly want to work then start by investigating what jobs are out there & what childcare options there are & go for it, even if as others have said you may not earn much in real times to start off with. And telkl your dh that you will be in bed at 10pm & he can heat his own dinner up & tidy away after himself!

How old are the DC? Which ones would you need childcare for?

You would find life much easier as LP I think, the same commitments but hopefully without the anger and frustration of living which such a selfish arse.

You need to grab the bull by the horns though, and look at what you could claim as a LP and how that would help you get back into the workplace. What area were you employed in before you had dc? Could you get back into that?

But dc4 wasn't a "surprise" surely if you were trying? Not judgmental btw-I would love a dc4 but dh put the kibosh on it!-just trying to understand why if you are so career driven you would keep having dcs? Do you really want to work or is it that you feel you should? Also you say your dh wants you to work but his actions seem to belie this-which is it?

Sorry for all the questions but your posts seem full of contradictions.

I feel sorry for you being married to a sexist man who thinks his job is more important than yours. But kindly, I do not understand why you keep giving in to him. Do you keep thinking 'it'll be different this time'?

I wouldn't have given up work with DC1, frankly, either he shared the load or she would have had to have a different childminder for a few months. Since then he has repeatedly ignored what you wanted and you have put up with it, I am sympathetic but if you are unhappy at some point you have to say STOP.

I think you need to do the work on this because he won't. I understand how bad chidcare can put you off leaving your children with someone else but I ally do feel in this case needs must. If tou can find a job go for it and ask around for good recommendations. The good usually outweight the bad!
I also understand about the hours, DH can be out at work and everything connected for 11/12 hours a day (not driving) and regularly works away overnight. It works for us but I'm self employed as a childminder so between that and our 3 my day is rather full . Is childminding something that you could look into doing yourself? Or is your former job something you could maybe start at home, become self employed?

OP I sympathise with you feeling frustrated at the restrictions placed on your life by your DH's working hours. My DH is a police officer and works 2 weekends in 3 and frequently works shifts where he gets in at 3 or 4am. We have 4 children between us and it was vey hard work when they were younger as I did the majority of the childcare runs and looked after them by myself in the evenings and at weekends as well as working full time.

However, your husband has a job (no small blessing in the current climate) and most importantly it is one that he LIKES. NEVER underestimate the importance of this. My first husband had a hugely well paid job and I had lovely rosy visions of being a SAHM after the birth of our son. But he hated it with a passion which ultimately led to a nervous breakdown which forced him to stop work altogether and I had to return to work full time when our son was only 6 months old. He hated being a SAHD too but we had little choice. Your husband has another 20+ years of working so the fact that he does something he enjoys should be a huge plus factor. Plenty of people are stuck in jobs they hate because they need to work and support their families. Doing a job you hate can lead to both mental and physical health problems as was my exDH's case.

You say he should retrain, but why should he when he earns enough to support you to be a SAHM with 4 children and when he is happy doing what he likes? You say he doesn't care about your feelings ( the "bugger me" comment) but equally what consideration are you giving to his? If he retrains now he will then have to find a new job where he will be competing against younger and possibly more experienced applicants and he will be starting at the bottom f the career ladder, probably with a salary to match. And all so you don't have to be alone in the evenings? It is easy to say that you would retrain if the situation were reversed but you haven't retrained to make it easier to find work that fits around your childcare commitments ( for example training to be a CM) and presumably that is because you like the work that you are qualified to do and wish to continue with it. Why should your DH not feel the same?

I am also confused by your assertion that you wish to work and yet you had DC4 because you were "bored". Surely that was an indication that you were ready to return to work? Even if you couldn't get paid employment what about volunteering whilst the children were at school/nursery to keep your mind active? You say that your DH is not around in the evenings to babysit so you can't take up a hobby etc. I know how this feels and I was resentful for years that my job and my social life totally revolved around DH's shifts. But kids grow up. I am now able to leave my DS to babysit while I go out in the evening. It appears from your post OP that you have a 17 year old? Surely they can babysit for you? As for childcare, my DS often collects my DD from the CM for us if DH and I are struggling to get back in time. It's very common here to see older siblings collecting younger ones from school and looking after them until the parents are home.

Whilst I appreciate that childcare responsibilities should be shared equally there will always be times when the practicalities of real life mean this is not possible. My DH's role is such now that he is able to do more childcare particularly in the school holidays when I would struggle to get time off but when the kids were small and he was a beat officer the lion's share fell to me. I knew this at the time we decided to have DC4 but I never expected him to change jobs to fit in with that decision. I wonder what your DH's feelings were about your DC4? Presumably he was not "bored"? And you must have known at the time that you would be picking up the slack? The payoff for this is that you get to stay at home with your baby.

Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear OP but I think there are solutions to your situation out there, you just need to be certain of what you want before you go looking for them.

Sorry but I don't understand why you keep having babies with this man. And the decision that DC1 should have a stay at home parent was yours.

Your posts are full of contradictions. Whilst I do have sympathy for your situation, it was your choice to give up a good job and become a SAHP. You could have easily sorted out good reliable childcare and carried on working, if that's what you'd wanted to do. You can't blame your DH for not wanting to become a SAHP.

You say he was sacked unfairly then in the next breath say you feel resentful that he lost his job just months after you'd given up yours.

You and then go on to have several more children (very sorry about the loss of DC2), making returning to work far more difficult. Presumably when you decided to try for your most recent child that your DH was not going to be able/willing to do his share of pickups/dropoffs/holiday and sickness cover?

FWIW, I do think your DH was absolutely wrong to retrain in a career that you knew was not compatible with the life you wanted. But you have significantly contributed to the situation you find yourself in. The question is - what are you going to do about it? You won't leave him, he won't change. So you're stuck complaining about your situation unless you do something to change it.

Yes. you are quite right. He does what he wants, and bugger you.

After all these years, why exactly do you think that's ever going to change?

He knows how you feel and he doesn't give a shit. He's never given a shit and he's never going to give a shit.

Since you can't change someone who doesn't want to change, your choices are accept it or don't. Have your children grow up thinking that's how a man behaves and what a woman accepts and risk them repeating it, or have them grow up with divorced parents and any problems that may arise from that. Which sounds like yet more shit from him.

shit v shit, basically. Choose which shit you want to be knee deep in.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, but I am afraid chance is only ever going to come from you. So it depends what you want more.

You really sound stressed, poor thing. First up, I would echo the advice here that you make sure that you do NOT have any more children with this man. You really do sound lovely and resourceful. The time may have come for an ultimatum: he needs to shape up, or ship out, Good luck.

These last few posts (and many of the others) are bang on, I'm afraid. At each stage, he's refused to change and you've given in. Why would that change now? If you want to stay with him and you want to work, your only option is going to be paying for childcare and probably making a loss for a while. There's no point focusing on his obstinacy and complaining about it as your actions over many years have condoned it. Sorry, but you're going to have sort this one out as you're the one with the impetus.

Try to get out to work, even part time, it will help your self esteem no end. Childminder could do pick up, after school clubs etc friends could help? Then weekends will be filled with children and fun, you have a lot of children so I am sure that your house is active. Can you get a babysitter for the odd girls night out mid week?

Why are you cooking at 10pm?. Haven't you got a microwave? My husband works very late and weekends (he worked all bloody Easter!) and he is happy with a home cooked meal reheated.

Yes your husband is selfish but I can also see his pov, I wouldn't ask/shout at my husband to retrain when he is in a job that he loves. Does he make you happy when he is home? Do you think that once the children are grown up (time does fly) that you still want to be with him? Does he really know how you feel?

So you have one child that is about 11, twins that are about 5 and another child that is about 3.

The oldest child doesn't need childcare, the twins will need childcare before and after school and the youngest would need full time.

Where are you living that you wouldn't be able to fund childcare from a full time wage if you went back to work?

I had a friend that had twins and went back to work when they were 6 months old. Her childcare bill was 1400 Euros a month, she earned 1500 Euros a month - so essentially she was working for 100 euros a month...but her husband was still working so that 100 euros a month was a bonus.

If your husband is earning a wage that you are currently living on, what difference does it make if the cost of childcare takes up all of the wage you could earn. You aren't losing any money, and it can only get better as the children need less and less care.

Sorry I think I'm confused with the ages of your children. But my point stands, only one would need full time CC.

(If the eldest is 17, then why can't they look after the twins before and after school?)

Op has now started another thread complaining that we are all judging her on the amount of dcs she has