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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD has 'no friends' at school

113 replies

RichardDawkinsAngel · 11/04/2013 21:15

My DD is at a very small primary school - in fact there are only 4 girls in her year (Y1). Last term there was some nasty three on one bullying- I saw the class tracher and it seemed to get sorted, although there has been the odd comment, nothing that has been worth following up.

Today my DD was chatting to her little sister at the table about how her gran's dog is her best friend. DD2 innocently asked who her 'real' best friend was as you 'can't really be best friends with a dog'. DD1 said, conversationally, 'well, no one really. I want to be friends with x, y and z but they don't want to be friends with me so ....'

I would like to be able to tell her to go and play with soneone else but there IS no one else and it must be so miserable to have no friends at school. My DH says not to worry as she has friends outside school and doesn't seem unhappy but it is really bothering me ...

OP posts:

Catsize · 12/04/2013 09:11

leggyblonde, totally agree. And I confess that I still sometimes have a problem thinking anyone might genuinely like me and I am now 35. And struggle to take a compliment. But I seem to have friends, albeit occasionally I query things with my partner and wonder if they are just putting up with me becasue they like my partner. Although I do have friends away from my marriage too. So I guess it does stick. But in this case, think the daughter should still be consulted in some sort of child-appropriate way. And she should never be told that the reason is lack of friends etc. In our adult world, moving a victim is frowned upon, but it is more difficult in a school.

Kinnane · 12/04/2013 09:23

I would continue to invite all three girls to everything I could think of - and like others have said get to know the mums too. Also if you can afford it: swimming, dance class, football, computer club or tennis, anything like that where your little daughter will have so much going on she won't depend just on the three girls in her class for friendship. Also get together with cousins or neighbourhood children I think would broaden her circle.

SwishSwoshSwoosh · 12/04/2013 09:32

Cat size - yes I agree about not telling her, just emphasise all the great things at the new school and make it about more opportunities. Even say 'we can stay in touch with your old friends' etc.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 09:35

Sounds like the school need a 'friendship bench',

There are 3 other girls-how can a friendship bench help?

I can't believe this thread! There is one problem -only 3 other girls. I wonder how many of us who had plenty of friends at school would have coped with a selection of 3 possibles, and the luck of the draw if you have anything in common with them?
It is going to be a problem throughout primary school and I would move her if at all possible. Failing that do lots out of school.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 09:37

It is terrible to make her feel that she might be lacking or difficult when there is a pool of only 3 girls.

seeker · 12/04/2013 09:38

"Also if you can afford it: swimming, dance class, football, computer club or tennis, anything like that where your little daughter will have so much going on she won't depend just on the three girls in her class for friendship"

And for the 30 + hours a week she is at school? What's she going to do then?

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 09:55

I can think of several things that I go to where I would be miserable if I had to rely on friendships of just 3 of the people, I am just lucky that there are lots of others, and I can avoid. Luck might play a part and there might be 3 people where we instantly hit it off but there is far more chance that if 20 people attend I will find someone on my wave length.
To turn round and tell me that because there are 3 people my age that I can't really get on with is because of a fault in my personality is unfair-not to mention untrue.
Children are not friends with everyone, they have their preferences like anyone else. It is the reason that I never understand whole class parties, there may be 30 children in a class but some of them are never going to get together socially. We don't as adults and yet there seems to be a view-'you are all 6 yr olds-you must be friends'. It doesn't mean that you are unfriendly or bullying or even that you leave out-just that you have nothing in common. When I started secondary school I made 2 very close friends, who are still friends today-we saw something in each other that not only appealed, but stood the test of time. You can't say 'you are all 11yr olds therefore you can be friends'-it doesn't work like that.

pictish · 12/04/2013 09:59

I think a change of school is good advice.
When we moved here, our ds1 went to the catchment school and didn't really settle.
We moved him, and the second school here was much better.
No regrets.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 12/04/2013 09:59

I'm quite surprised at Trinity's posts, given that she's a teacher and all! I do feel that Trinity's attitude is the attitude that many schools take towards bullying; "Oh it must be the victim doing something wrong". About a year ago I remember seeing a thread about bullying on another forum and a teacher said that the main way to deal with bullying was to teach the victim to cope with how they are being treated! I mean, really?!!

Also gobsmacked that Trinity has says at her school they 'couldn't stop a boy from being bullied'. What a marvellous school it sounds. Not.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 12/04/2013 10:02

Thinking back through the thread too, OP, did you mention to the mums the low level nastiness that was aimed at your DD when she went to the other girls' houses to play? I would definitely mention it to a mum if my DD had had a horrible time at someone else's housee.

CelticPixie · 12/04/2013 10:05

I saw something similar whe I worked at a small church school. Five girls in the reception class and one, who was a lovely little girl but very quiet, got pushed out of the group. It was sad to see as I can remember having lots of friends at that age, but I went to a large school with about 30 to a class, so lots of girls.

Mumsyblouse · 12/04/2013 10:06

I agree with everyone, three girls is just not a big enough pool, plus there are bound to be issues with three against one/two twos. My dd2 is in a class with only 8 girls and that's bad enough, they are not all developmentally at the same stage, they don't all 'gel' in terms of interests and ways of playing, and there are the usual tight groups of children whose parents socialise together (which is entirely reasonable) but it has left her very short of potential playmates. She plays a lot with the boys and dips in and out of the girl groups. But three is a terrible number, just not enough and I would move her otherwise her childhood to 11 is going to be dominated by a couple of girls who don't sound very nice.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 10:06

All schools have bullying-it is how they deal with it that counts and to say they can't stop it is simply not good enough.
Admittedly a child may be overbearing and bossy and this stops them getting friends, but you have to work with the child and get them working in groups and learning to take as well as give. The victim does not have to learn to cope with being a victim!

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 10:09

I would definitely mention it to a mum if my DD had had a horrible time at someone else's housee.

Yes, but it doesn't alter the fact that if there was a bigger friendship pool they would never choose to be at each other's house in the first place.The general thing is that if someone is horrible to you, you go and seek friendship elsewhere.

pictish · 12/04/2013 10:09

Totally agree.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 10:13

A bigger group dilutes things that a small group make intense. I once had a rather bossy friend who would decide not to be my friend (this is going back a lot of years) it was a bit upsetting because there wasn't much choice. However once we moved to secondary school I merely went and joined another group. She never did it again-the dynamics were completely different.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 10:16

I mean that one day we were best friends and the next day she decided we were not best friends and it was sort of on/off , the odd way that girl's friendships go. Once she realised it didn't bother me she stopped doing it. It only stopped bothering me because there was more choice and it really didn't matter to me.

Catsize · 12/04/2013 10:17

Thought en route to work that my 'issues' may in large part be due to having a pretty crap time at home too, so can't entirely blame school experiences for my stuff. Thought I should clarify.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 12/04/2013 10:21

Exoticfruits, I totally agree, and I've said the same thing as you earlier on in this thread. However I still would speak to the mum, as it's unacceptable for the child to behave in that way, and the mum should know really that her little darling is being unpleasant to a visiting child.

kerala · 12/04/2013 10:51

Move her. Too few girls I agree with the majority. I went to a tiny village school and it was fine as there were 9 girls in my year mostly easy going so I had a happy time. My sister on the other hand was in a year of 3 girls.

My sister is the jolliest, most fun, kind popular person you could meet - as a teen and adult she has the most friends of anyone I know. But she had a miserable 7 years at primary school - one of the girls was having a difficult time at home and basically subtly tormented my poor sister for 7 years. The other girl was a weaker character who sided with the bully. My sister was trapped basically and should have been moved. Unlike most kids who quake at transferring to the enormous comp my sister was thrilled the whole world opened up for her and she made loads of nice uncomplicated friends she still sees today. Such a shame her childhood was marred by my parents "support the village school at any cost" stance she really paid the price for that one.

exoticfruits · 12/04/2013 12:21

A good analogy is if MN decided to pay for 4 member to have a weekend away and they chose, at random, 4 women who were 37yrs old with DCs at primary school. 3 might have a lovely time and one might feel left out and hate it. It is very unfair to say that there was something 'wrong' with the one who didn't get on-with a completely different set she might have had a marvellous time and been life long friends.

Friendship is a very funny thing. My DSs all went to the same secondary school and the general thing was for them to fill in a sheet in yr 6 to say who they would like to be in a tutor group with. They didn't get all of them, but it at least ensured a friend.
When DS3 went they did a new thing-gave them a questionnaire to fill in and sorted them according to the answers. It caused so much upset, they never did it again! DS3 didn't get any friends. He doesn't play football, doesn't even like football so it immediately separated him because all his friends were not only footballers but good footballers. He ended up with a friend because one DS was so upset his mother got him changed. It wasn't just as if it was DS3 who got misplaced-it was across the board-they might as well have pulled names out of a hat.

The one thing that you do need is a large pool of potential friends-unless luck plays a huge part.

CruCru · 12/04/2013 12:44

Please move her. I had this (pushed out of the girls' friendship group and not popular with the boys) at junior school and had a miserable time. Even now, if I meet someone who was at my junior school I feel uncomfortable and I'm now 35.

MrsMacFarlane · 12/04/2013 14:12

Your daughter sounds like a lovely, well adjusted wee girl who has unfortunately not got many other girls in her class to play with. My DD was in a class with 20 other girls in, there were a group of 5 or 6 absolute witches in it throughout her primary school but she was in the very fortunate position of having 5 or 6 decent girls who where also in the class to form strong friendships with. I dread to think how she'd have suffered if only the "witches" had been available.

Take no notice of posters inferring your daughter is somehow to blame for her situation. She categorically isn't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/04/2013 15:38

OP... so sorry to read your post.

I wonder if the suggestion that you talk to the other girls' parents would be a good one (fathers as well as mothers). If my daughter were one of the ones excluding yours, I would want to know about it and I would do all I could to make sure that your daughter didn't carry on having to live her school days like this.

I agree with the other posters who say that your daughter sounds lovely and very well-adjusted.

Please update when you've decided what you'll do.

woozlebear · 12/04/2013 15:49

My primary school years were like this - smallish school, 90% boys. For several years I only had 3 other girls in my year. All of them were two-faced awful bullying b*tches. Usual girl ploy of pretending to be my friends so no one had any idea. When I was little it was fine as my two best friends were boys, but both of them moved schools at 7 and after that boys and girls didn't want to mix. I had a best friend outside school, but it was scant comfort.

Personally, the experience scarred me for life. I'd seriously consider moving schools.

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